I'm 9 weeks pregnant with my third child. This will be my first child with my partner, I have 2 DC with my XH.
I've struggled to be excited with this pregnancy as I had a miscarriage last year and I was anxious about the same happening. I'm past the point that I miscarried last time so that anxiety has eased somewhat, but now I'm terrified.
I'm terrified of being a parent to 3 children. I'm terrified of having PND again (I did both times before). I'm terrified of having another premature baby (both DC were born premature). I'm terrified that my mental health will make my DP leave (my XH cheated on me and left when my youngest DC was 8 months old, I was in the depths of depression and feeling suicidal). I'm terrified of my mood right now. I've been feeling very low. I'm seeing a counsellor and I'm on the highest dose of Citalopram (my counsellor agrees with me not to reduce the medication at the moment). I'm just so scared.
I don't know how I'm going to cope with 3 children. I barely feel like I'm coping now and I'm at least getting a reasonable amount of sleep. How will I cope with the sleepless nights again? I feel like I'm not going to be a good enough mother to my two eldest children who have already been through so much disruption in their lives and they need me.
My partner is very supportive. He loves my DC. He gets up with them in the mornings, when he can, so I can sleep in. He is fully committed to all three of us and I know he will be to the baby too. He's said he wants to do night feeds (I will breastfeed but we'll do at least one bottle at night so I can sleep a bit more), he doesn't want to miss out on anything or leave it all to me. I also have my parents nearby and they are very involved with my DC. My DPs parents don't live too far and they're fantastic with my DC and I know they'll be on hand too. So I know I won't be doing it all on my own. But, regardless of all of that, I can't help being scared. I feel constantly guilty when I have to rely on other people or ask someone to help with my DC. I feel guilty to the person who is helping me and I feel guilty to my DC for not being there. I know my guilt is disproportionate, but it doesn't stop me from feeling it.
I don't know what to do. I can't help being scared of the future and I feel like I'm doing everything I can so I'm at a loss.