Asked for help and got shot down

[SinisterSparkle]

Hi everyone , I'm not the type of person that opens up to people easily as most of my life I've just had myself to rely on and a few times I have opened up it has been thrown back in my face and used against me in the most awful ways so I learnt to keep my feelings to myself.
My now oh of 3years has always been telling me to open up to him and I can tell him anything and all that but I've been reluctant until last night I did, let it all out about how I'm struggling and im tired of putting on my brave face everyday because I have 4 kids that need raising and dont have time to crumble I told him I need help and would like to see a doctor.......... his reply was "why are you just saying this now " and then nothing else for the rest of the night he just ignored me (he works away for work this was a text conversation) so I basically cried all night because this is one of the reason I dont open up because really no one cares . Then I woke up this morning to messages from him saying so you lied to me then I asked you ages ago if you were depressed and you f*&^ing lied you think you have it so hard but you go to family do's and let your hair down and talk on the phone to your family for hours when do I get a break I'm here working to support 5 other people I dont need this.

I haven't replied. i thought the 1st step in getting help was speaking to someone you trust but im left feeling attacked or am I being too sensitive? I know hes stressed he has to work away all week and some weekends we've spoke about it I've supported him through that even suggested he quiet that job and we work somthing out between us I would love to go back to work but he said no . I feel like the only person in have to talk to would be my doctor and and no one else I feel like in have to keep things together because if i fall apart everything falls apart . My doctor would just want to put me on medication but I've been on it before and it doesnt agree with me I was having delusions of grandeur, heart palpitations and breaking out in the biggest hives ever aswell as suicidal thoughts I dont want to go back on it it was scary I dont know what to do I dont have supportive family to talk to two days after my still birth my mom was moaning about everyone missing her birthday! And I had to deal with all that myself well I say deal I've not it's just tucked away so I could carry on with life as I had two other kids at that time and help from anywhere they needed breakfast lunch and dinner and to get to school neat and clean.
I'm rambling now sorry I just feel so alone right now so trapped dont know what to do for the better I just know I dont want to feel like this anymore why cant I have a supportive oh like all the ones I read about on here or just see anywhere just anywhere when some one reaches out for help they get support I got a telling off

That's hard.
It's very common for people who have always had to rely on themselves and never assume others will help to pick partners who are not empathetic.
It sounds like this may be your scenario. He clearly has no clue how depression works. He also sounds immensely stressed if his initial reaction is to lash out.
You need at very least a profession to rely on, so make an appointment with a GP and if you can, self refer for some online free counselling via ieso digital health while you join the interminable wait for face to face counselling (which is often pretty basic and unskilled anyway.)
Have another try to talk with him. It must be a huge shock to someone to learn this about their partner and his reaction may have been awful because he was shocked and stressed. Try and sort out together how you can support each other so you both feel listened to and valued.
Meanwhile, do join the MN MH boards as they are so kind and supportive. Stay here. People will listen and if you want, offer advise or just an ear.

@afternoonspray thank you for replying .
Your right I at least need to rely on a professional just in the past I was just put on medication and had the dose upped after a review I really dont want to go back on it but I will make an appointment anyway and express my concerns regarding medication . I can not lie its gonna be hard having to open up again .
I had tried to search for free online help but came up with nothing so I will definitely go to the website you suggested at the very least I will put myself forward for that it's somewhat easier from behind a screen if you know what I mean..
As for my oh I dont think I can bring the subject up again hes really made me feel like shit and on top I feel guilty now that I'm adding stress on him as far as he is concerned I need to bury it and work on getting help for myself by myself unless he brings it up I wont be. I'm going to look into the other boards aswellnthank you for your help and your kind words

So sorry your having a hard time, it sounds as if you have suppressed grief and you were under a lot of pressure to just get on with it. Making the decision to go to your GP is absolutely the right thing to do. There's lots of different types of medications which you might get on with better as well as counselling services and support groups.

OP you need to speak to your GP - you have had issues before that have required medication so you have some history there, however difficult it may be to raise it again. You need to speak to a professional about this.

Your DH seems to have asked you (possibly face-to-face) before if you were OK, and I have to say I think that's a really difficult conversation to have via text message. So speak to your GP face-to-face. You've done the right thing in raising the issue, but you need to take it forward now, no-one can do that for you.

Here's a link to ieso www.iesohealth.com/en-gb

Also, OP, there's no shame at all in needing medication for an illness. Don;t worry too much about needing anti depressants for a while to get you on an even keel. What's crucial is that you get ones that work for you, that don't overwhelm you with side effects. If you didn;t feel comfortable with the last ones you tried, ask for a different type. Ask on here too about side effects and what worked best for others. There's lots of knowledge we can share.

Hi , thanks for replying to me I've taken in what you have all said and I agree I need to just but the bite the bullet and make the 1st step with that said i have booked an appointment for 3 weeks time (earliest they had) j made it online to I could book my doctor that knows my full history.

I just tried to sign up to that website but its saying it's not available for me as it's not in my area but I thought it was all done online, have I gone to the wrong part?

Oh also regarding the medication it's not so .uch a shame thing why I'm reluctant it's all the side effects I was having on it it's really scared me and I wasnt told about others they just upped my dose . I will go investigating these other types just so I know what I'll be taking if any and possible side effects .
Thanks again the small conversation as really calmed my mind thank you for that