It’s a long story so I’ll try and keep it brief. I have an 11 week old DS, gave birth via elective c-section as I have a history of anxiety and depression and it was triggered by the idea of a natural birth. We struggled to conceive, it took just over 2 years and we were desperate by the time it happened. Very enjoyable and straight forward pregnancy but did struggle with low mood and anxiety about impending life changes towards the end of third trimester which I never voiced.
Lost a lot of blood in surgery and struggled with a painful first few weeks of recovery coupled with latching issues (ended up needing to use nipple shields) & all night cluster feeding sessions left me feeling like a shell of myself.
I struggled a lot with what I was told by midwife and HV were baby blues the first couple of weeks after I reached out to them in complete panic that it would feel horrendous forever, was having panic attacks, couldn’t bare to leave the house and experience the painful changes to everyday life & couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, regularly had suicidal thoughts wanting to escape and couldn’t really bond with DS at all. I wasn’t interested in him for anything except feeding and
I don’t think only being handed him for feeds and giving him back to Dh for nappy changes etc helped much but that was all I could handle until I was a bit more healed up because of the pain.
I felt completely trapped and was horrified that I had inflicted such pain into our fairly happy and easy going life and wanted more than anything to wake up in my old life and never ever make the decision to have children again.
Things are a bit easier care-wise for DS a few weeks on, he is in a great routine, sleeps through the night and naps really well. He is a very loved and cared for baby. He is putting on weight perfectly, growing and developing like mad and is thriving with endless love from grandparents, aunties and uncles and Dh. I do love him but don’t always feel particularly attached to him and am usually wishing I was doing something else do than spending time with him. I feel like the worst mother in the world even saying it.
I’m obsessed with keeping him in his routine and usually crumble if he strays from it or has a bad day, thankfully Dh is sent from heaven and will willingly take over at the drop of a hat when he is home. Unfortunately, this means that I rarely venture out during the week on my own but have been making myself take short journeys out between feeds.
I am still struggling with low mood, not enjoying looking after him, anxiety about him being out of his routine as it’s the only way I feel like I can cope, feeling overwhelmed by enormous life changes and often fall asleep with suicidal thoughts as can’t see any way out - not always, but regularly.
I can’t relate to the joy people speak of after having children and still wish I could turn back time. I often think that if I had known how it truly was, I would never have made the choice to have children. My old life looked pretty good from here and I am now wondering why I ever wanted to swap it for parenthood.
I have always been very affected by anything hormonal - contraception, pregnancy etc and am aware of the enormous changes in these postnatally so am seeing if things settle with time.
Is this something that might go on it’s own as time passes? Could it be PND or anxiety inflamed by hormonal changes? I’d be interested to hear what made others seek help from GP.
Please no comments telling me to pull myself together or the like, I am aware of how this all sounds and have heard it from myself, I feel awful enough as it is.