I had terrible PND after having DD who is now 2.5years. When she was born although I felt very protective over her and acted appropriately/ticked all the boxes of things you were “meant” to do with your baby, I felt completely empty and the longer it went on the more alarmed I felt. I can remember crying on her 1st birthday that I still wasn’t sure if I felt the way mother’s were meant to feel and whether we were actually bonded. I felt like a wet nurse for everyone else’s child, and to be honest that’s how my parents behaved, as if I was in the way and should defer to them rather than tell them how I’m doing things.
After this I began counselling which I have attended weekly for the last 18 months. In all honesty I dont think it has helped me particularly, I think what helped more than anything was as DD got older she was able to better communicate with me and I stopped feeling so deeply that she didn’t want me/I was rubbish and ruining everything.
I just feel permanently overwhelmed. I am still breastfeeding her, although this is just comfort feeding, i take her to numerous toddler groups every week plus soft play trips, the playground etc on a daily basis, but even though I know she’s had outings etc I still feel like absolute shit leaving her to watch TV while I am constantly getting on with cooking meals nobody eats, sorting out washing etc etc etc just never ending jobs.
I feel like I have no patience and am constantly snappy and on the verge of either crying or screaming.
I then feel huge guilt and will buy her new toys/new clothes/let her have way too many packets of Buttons etc to make myself feel less rubbish and hopefully make her happy which I know is ridiculous as having a happier mum who actually has the energy and patience to rough and tumble with her would definitely make her happier than some new puzzles or chocolate.
I still have hard days which tend to come in blocks where I feel completely detached like I did in the beginning.
I feel like whatever I do, I could never possibly be enough for this brilliant little girl and like I am waiting for her to realise that I’m not up to much and reject me.
I’m now 6 months pregnant and absolutely terrified about how I will cope with a newborn and a toddler, as well as the terror that the PND will worsen.
I don’t have family support, and although I do have close friends they all have their own young children and so I don’t feel I can lean on them too much. My partner is supportive at times but other times very antagonistic.
I haven’t got a good relationship with my own mum and it plays on my mind constantly that history will repeat itself and me and DD won’t be close/she will reject me/view me with the same non existent respect everyone else treats me with.