my partner has depression

[elliemaycad]

hi this is my first post on here and I'm just looking advice and to get some things off my chest really.
me and my partner have been together for 7 years. he has always enjoyed spending tome with his friends after work and often comes home very late. However in February we had a baby and he told me that this would all change. when we first brought him home he was amazing but things soon changed and now he does not help me at all. I do all the feeds change him. he has only ever looked after him alone once and continued to spend all his free time at his friends. after feeling it all got to much I told him he had to make a decision on whether he wanted to be a part of this family or not. the following day he had a mental break down at work and has now been diagnosed with depression. he sleeps on the sofa and refuses to get up in a morning. every day is a struggle trying to get him out of bed as well as taking care of a baby on my own. we both have supportive family's and his parents are completely behind me with it but they don't have the fight every morning they only see him ince hes up and feeling better. he says horrible things to me saying i do notging all day and that im sponging off him bevause im on maternaity leave he can be so nasty almost as if he feels it's my fault he feels so down. I can't understand why he is reluctant to spend time with me and his son but is happy to spend all night at friends houses. I feel completely alone in raising our son and i don't know how to help him get better. I worry if it continues that I will have a break down my self!

If anyone has any advice on understanding this and how to help him. please I would appreciate it so much. I feel my relationship is breaking down and it's the last thing I want

You've really found a wrong one haven't you? Idk if he genuinely has depression or not but it is 100% unacceptable to have to tolerate his verbal abuse. He does nothing yet bitches about you as you car for his child? He's projecting his problems o to you. I say sever your ties with him and build a life without him. You both deserve better than him

I have suffered from depressIon for a number of years and though your partner should not be saying things like this to you, mental illnesses can cause people to act in ways which hurt those they love. EKGEMS suggestions are unhelpful if you want to make this work and I do not think that they understand how challenging and debilitating depression can be. The key thing is that he gets professional help, only then will things get better.

If the OP is receiving emotional and verbal abuse despite 100% supporting her partner why should she tolerate it and her mental health suffer? Or does the spouse get a free pass? I would never speculate what your experience is so please don't assume what mine are

He is currently taking medication but is still waiting on a referral for CBT . He went back to work on Monday and seems to be doing well there however I am still getting told that I make his mental health worse and it’s my fault this started when I tell I’m not happy with certain things mainly him not spending time with our son. For example on a Friday I started going to my friends house for a bit of a break and to give them some time together I told him he can take him out with friends or to see family j but he must remember what ever he plans must include the baby. This week while at my friends he rang me to say I needed to get my son from his mums as he was going out when I said that’s not ok he said he needs his space because he’s not well and I’m making it worse by giving him grief all the time. ( the only night I have to my self is Friday) every other night of the week he will go out or invite friends up with out speaking to me. I feel very used am I suppose to just continue to let this happen because he’s depressed or should I continue to confront him because when I do it he ends in a huge argument with him saying he’s leaving because I’m toxic then apologising saying he didn’t mean it. I can’t live this way and neither can my son

He may well be depressed but that is no excuse for his abusive behaviour. If he feels you are the cause of his poor mental health (you're not) then he should leave.

Sorry OP I think that the depression is a crux and in actual fact the family life is not for him.

You need to tell him, firmly, that whilst you are willing to support him and help him if he is unwell you will not tolerate verbal abuse. Tell him if he continues then he will have to go and stay elsewhere as you have a baby which you need o look after.

I told him he can take him out with friends or to see family j but he must remember what ever he plans must include the baby

You should not need to be saying this to a grown man.

I'm suffering with PND and at the beginning of it I was almost exactly the same as your partner (I had anxiety too so never went out!) my DP did everything with DS as I was so withdrawn and ill I couldn't physically get up.
I'm not proud of the things I said to my partner but he stood by me as this is an illness. Once I started therapy I understand how I was basically using my partner horribly and verbally abused him as a way of justifying that I was unworthy of being a mum and trying to start a fight to deal with my emotions.
I know this is hard, but this illness does not discriminate and does not think logically and for me I forgot that I was loved and appreciated.
After therapy and anti depressants I'm beginning to feel better.
My gp recommend a book (the black dog) and it got me to understand what I was doing. I now refer to my depression as a black dog (Facebook has a page that may help)
If you love him, please stick by him (instead of fighting try and encourage him to join in, not leave him with your DC)
My gp explained to me that it can take a long time to recover. I'm 7 months into PND and I'm much better but without support from my partner I don't know where I'd be