Hi everyone,
I just want to start with the fact that I feel absolutely disgusted with myself because of this and it hurts me to have to post this but I need to hear from other women who have possibly been through this.
I'm 10+4 (planned) and would say for the past 3 weeks have been dealing with quite extreme depression (probably antenatal although I struggled most of last year with my MH) and only today did I realise it's gotten bad. I spoke to my midwife on Wednesday and mentioned it, however didn't think at the time I was necessarily worried about myself. I went to visit my mum today and I had a full meltdown, I was almost screaming (crying), like that painful sobbing people have, having a panic attack because she was questioning me about my fiancé and I's living situation. My mum said she's very worried about my mental state.
A bit of background, I've been stuck inside mainly for around 6 months as I have chronic muscular pain in my lower back and this is thought to be a knock on effect of my correctional spinal surgery for scoliosis in 2013. I was due to have MRI's/CT's but I then fell pregnant and they can't diagnose me until January onward (after baby is born). I'm in agony everyday, I can't clean, I can't cook, I can't go out much because I have 60 steps to go up. I cry all the time due to feeling so inadequate as my partner works 40hrs a week, I have no hobbies (I am starting pregnancy yoga later this month though) and it really, really upsets me that I have nothing to do all day. I have no motivation, no excitement for anything apart from my partner being home and beside me. I just want to cry all the time, i feel disgusted with myself that all I can think about is termination. So much so I can't even bring myself to say it to my partner, I'm worried about my physical health as I'm a high risk pregnancy and since bringing up feeling depressed (coupled with their knowledge of my previous MH problems) to the midwife - who then left the room and got another woman in who was talking about an anaesthetist needing to make a decision whether I'll need c section under GA (bloody terrified of that), she kept mentioning social workers and stuff and my partner looked concerned. I'm concerned.
I'm so scared I can't handle this mentally, or physically. I have a history of depression, anxiety and extreme stress related problems. All I can think is what am I thinking, what a horrendous mother I would be if I'm thinking like this. I don't even know if this makes sense, I'm literally sobbing every hour of the day. I know I want a baby so badly, but I don't feel like I do now I'm pregnant.
Please help. Will this go away. I'm so scared I'm not doing the right thing and these horrible thoughts are real and true. Please tell me if I'm a vile horrible person because I definitely feel it. Please be honest with me
Thanks everyone :(
Liv x