Before I dive into this, yes I’m aware how horrible it sounds. Iv been doing everything I can to help it but nothing’s working. I need some advise, but It could be long so bare with me.
So I found out I was pregnant when I was 20 years old. I’d never wanted or even liked children, but in that situation I discovered that couldn’t have an abortion so I decided to have my baby and give him to a loving family who couldn’t conceive themselves. Over the months, my partner and family were pressuring me to keep him. It got to the point where they were saying I HAD to keep him. They kept saying that as soon as he was born I’d love him instantly, or if not it wouldn’t take long. I was panicking, and as soon as I got to the 16 week cut off point and I knew there was no turning back, my life went down hill even more. Iv always suffered with severe depression and it was back with a vengeance.
I spend the rest of my pregnancy crying, throwing up, hurting myself, in and out of hospital due to a slight psychotic breakdown and trying to end my life. I was put on more medication and referred for counselling etc to sort me out a little before baby got here. The labour and birth was horrible, and when he was finally out and they put him on my chest... I felt nothing.
Fast forward to now, I still feel nothing. Iv cried more than anyone can ever know, Iv been to all the counselling I can, taken all my medication, had support off midwives and social workers, friends and family. I’m more than happy to let our families babysit just to give me a bit of time off, and I’m only upset and panicky when they drop him back off. I decided that being a SAHM wasn’t for me, so I went back to work full time to provide for us while my partner gave staying at home with DS a go instead.
I was still struggling and down still, i was drinking all the time tried to end my life again and I ended up losing my job. We were struggling for money before, but now we’re in even more debt. I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed myself or smiled, or even just went somewhere nice. Iv lost so much weight, I barely eat 1 meal a day.
I don’t want to leave my family I really don’t, but at what point do I say enough is enough? Wouldn’t they be better without me, a mentally unstable mess around? I keep trying to leave but my partner is terrified of doing it alone and I always end up staying. My dad left me when I was younger and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. It sounds bad, but Iv always hated him until now. I now understand what would drive someone to walk away from there family.
Everyone in my situation is just told to get help, well what if you do and still nothing? I know that it’s selfish but I’m so miserable, I fantasise about running away and starting a new life everyday. I just want to be happy again. I so want to snap out of this and love my son and love family life, but the longer it lasts the less hope I have. It’s sad, some things just don’t seem to have a happy ending.
Does it ever get better? I don’t know how long I can hang on for anymore.