Don't know who I am after becoming a Mum

[HayLouD]

Bare with me as I try to organise my thoughts...
My little boy was 1 this week. I'm married, the baby was planned & very much wanted. I had a lovely pregnancy & was so excited about becoming a Mum. That all changed pretty much the day he was born. My son was breech & weighed 10lb 8oz, he was born via elective c-section due to his position. The procedure was a positive experience but the moment he was born I was confused as I had bonded with my bump but I could not correlate my baby with my bump. I didn't sleep at all for 2 nights whilst in hospital due to being unable to lift my baby in & out of his cot so I stayed awake, too afraid I'd drop him. When we got home anxiety kicked in, I was super paranoid about visitors & germs & constantly stressed that may baby wasn't feeding enough, even though he gained lots of weight continuously after week 1. I found breastfeeding hard but with the help of a lactation consultant i stuck with it for 7.5 months. On reflection I can see i was depressed, lonely & anxious stuck feeding my baby on the sofa & too worried/ anxious to go out. Fast forward to today & im not sure I feel much different to how I did then. I love my boy with all my heart but I find it so tough, he's had back to back illness, currently cutting all his first molars & canines at once, is off the chart for height & weight, is generally very active & his sleep is very upredictable. Nursery is stressful as my boy is not happy being left there but it's early days as I have only recently returned to work. I have asked to be demoted at work as I feel completely incapable of performing in the senior role I was in before mat leave a year ago. My husband & I bicker all the time & he is also now pretty depressed which I feel is largely due to my negative attitude & inability to cope. I've always been an introvert but very positive, kind, high functioning & efficient. I feel so far removed from the person i was before having my son & feel i have the weight of the world on my shoulders all the time. I really thought a year on I would have settled into motherhood but I haven't & im saddened that I cannot enjoy this time. How do I get out of this cycle? My snapping & general downbeat attitutide is affecting my relationships & I feel I am cutting myself off from friends/family more than ever, i cant pretend i am happy & feel ashamed that I cannot cope. I haven't seen my gp about how I feel as I'm worried I'll either be told that only medication will help me or worst of all that nothing can be done for me & I just have to accept that I will feel this way forever. It's impossible to sustain & feel i will reach crisis or make irreversible decisions about my future

oh honey I didn't want to read and run. Babies are hard and going back to work stage is particularly fraught! how long have you been back at work? I found it better 6 months back in.. felt a bit more myself but more knackered due to lack of sleep. other friends took longer...

I think you are right you are stuck in a bit of a downhill spiral... I do think it's worth a chat with your GP or health visitor.... there is help out there. It might be that medication is a short term solution but totally not neeeded in the long term.

lots of people find different stages of motherhood hard.. this is your hard part that's all. Personally I'm not really into the baby stage... find it relentless and exhausting.... my husband and i bickered and snarled-a lot! we survived....I also pulled away from friends (as just too tired to socialise- nothing to talk about, felt fat, boring and frumpy)
now they are older and can do some things themselves each year is easier...so it does get better

Do you have anyone you could confide in in real life? do you get any time to be alone and do something you enjoy? coffee in a cafe? yoga? hide in bathroom reading a book in bath?

how are you today?

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way! Motherhood is indeed a gigantic transition and it’s normal that it should have a bit of an impact on your relationships and identity... that said, I think it sounds like you could benefit from some counseling and help with reframing some of what’s going on in your life. Possibly cognitive behavioural therapy? Do you know if you have access to anything like that through work, or privately? GP is also a good place to start though wait lists can be long and MH support can vary in quality...

It’s good that you’re recognizing how you’re feeling, for a start. Is your husband as self-aware as well? Couples counseling could also be a helpful option.

Good luck, HeyLouD. I hope things improve for you soon. As a PP said, you may also find that you regain a sense of normalcy after a few months back at work.

Hello HayLou
I hope you're feeling better today.
I have a 16 month old and I've really found the whole parenting thing a complete emotional rollercoaster. I actually had help from my GP for anxiety during pregnancy and I think in hindsight I should have gone back to them for mild pnd following the birth of my son. I've got through and I'm in a much better place now (thankfully, my husband has been my absolute rock and his support has seen me through my worst wobbles/ dark patches). It's been a really really long road though.
I really would advise you to go to your gp. I'm also happy to talk to you if you want to message me privately.
I know the advice everyone gives can sound so repetitive and pointless at these moments, but it really is about taking each minute and hour at a time. Could you ask your husband / family for an hour or two of support each week? My husband used to take the baby so I could go to the coffee shop with a notebook - I'd listen to music and just write all my thoughts down. Getting everything down on paper helped. Sometimes when I returned home I'd give my husband my notebook to read (I wasn't brave enough to say it to his face) and then we'd talk things through.
Also, look into meditation and any form of exercise you can fit in for yourself. It really helps to stabilise my mood.
Sorry for the long post - to stress again: go to your gp, ask your loved ones for help, message me if you'd like to talk further.
All the best xx

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, your words have definitely helped me to see that I'm not alone in feeling like this. My husband is taking some time out of work to help for a few weeks & I have been to the Drs to talk about how I feel today. The Dr has recommended some talking therapies as the most important first step but we have a 6 week waiting list for an initial assessment so meanwhile I have started on a low dose (10mg) of citalopram in the hope that this will help me cope. Ironically I am now anxious about side effects! I feel I have taken some positive steps now & hope things will improve over the coming weeks. I will pop back with an update to let you know how we are getting on. Thank you again for taking the time to share your stories & show you care, it's helped a lot xx

hello haylouD ....what a great update. you've made some really positive steps. so glad people are helping you. don't worry about side effects... think it's going to be fine! what a great start to the New Year!

OP are you still here? I could have written this post. DS is 10 months now and I'll be going back to work soon too.

How is life going now?

Have a big hug from me OP. You sound like you have classic post natal depression, and Im so glad that you at last managed to get to your GP for the treatment you desperately needed.
Things will improve, I promise. I think you’re already beginning to improve, because you actually sought treatment, instead of being so down that you thought nothing could possibly help, or being afraid to see the GP.
You are still the competent, effective person you were before motherhood, OP. You are simply temporarily ill with a simple mental health issue which will resolve.
When you come out the other side of this, you will find you are fully functional again, but will have the added joys and responsibilities and character building and air of authority that motherhood adds to you! You will be more of s person, not less- you have lost nothing of yourself, only gained. When you’re well again, you’ll be able to see that.
Trust your GP - you’re on the right meds and the counselling or CBT will help too. Best wishes - you’re on the way up now. God bless.