Feel so low and considering termination

[charlyn]

I feel like the worst person in the world right now.

I have a dd who is 5 and is my world. I have always been on the fence about having another child for many reasons. At the start of the year I felt panic that it was now or never if we were going to have another child so thought about ttc after our holiday in August. I have always worried I would regret not having another but also that I would regret it if I did.
In April this year I found out I was pregnant by accident. I was devastated when I found out and booked an abortion straight away in a panic. However I was bleeding from the day I got a bfp and at 6 weeks I went for a scan to be told I had misscarried as they couldnt find anything. It turned out they were wrong and 2 weeks later my tube ruptured as the pregnancy was actually ectopic.

After my ectopic I thought that I did want another afterall. I was worried that I was infertile after losing a tube so decided to trying again staightaway. On my fifth cycle of trying I fell pregnant and I am now 5 and half weeks pregnant.

Since I got my bfp I have felt so depressed. I think I have made a terrible mistake. I'm not sure I do want another now and feel so anxious that I've ruined our lives and keep worrying that the baby will be disabled. I suffer from anxiety anyway but I never expected to feel this bad and so utterly miserable. I cry every day and am only getting a few hours sleep a night. I just don't how much of the pregnancy hormones are clouding my judgment right now.

I'm thinking of booking a termination although I dont know if I will be able to go through with it. There is a 3 week wait for one in my area so I guess I could get it booked just in case and always cancel.

I have a scan on friday to check its not another ectopic and I find myself thinking I that I hope its bad news. I know Im a monster for thinking that way.

I just dont know what to do and feel so trapped :(

You are definitely not a monster, or doing anything wrong. It's absolutely normal to be panicked and worried about all the different possibilities and scares that come to play when being pregnant.

Maybe speak to your other half and tell him your concerns and see how he feels?

Is it the change you are worried about?
By having another baby you would not be ruining your lives, it would be a big change but your love would double and you will be an excellent momma as you already are and know you can be.

If your not ready for another, then maybe the times just not right for you but maybe in a year or two you might feel differently? Or maybe you'll be content with your decision and feel you made the right decision.

None of this makes you a bad person and you are completely overwhelmed with hormones at the minute, take a little bit of time for yourself to really think what it is that you want? Only you can make this decision as hard as it is!

Im sorry i have no real advice or much help, i felt similar when i first found out i was pregnant as i never had any intentions of having kids ever. I cried non stop not knowing what the right thing to do was and even after i decided to go ahead with the pregnancy the worry or fear didn't stop until i had her in my arms.

Your amazing, Sending hugs xxxx

I can absolutely relate to this and if it's any consolation the feeling passed with me. I was on the fence about a third, decided to go for it and after two days of being pleased by the positive test I had a massive panic attack and spent two weeks in a state of chronic anxiety. I wanted to miscarry, I was crying all the time - it was awful. Friends said it was the hormones but I didn't agree as no symptoms in my first two pregnancies. However after two weeks it did lift. I now feel excited about it for it. I would strongly recommend talking to your GP as there are loads of services available on the NHS to deal with exactly this issue. I have registered with a therapist in my area and have been offered CBT - though ironically I don't now feel I need it.
Please speak to your midwife about how you're feeling. This is so normal. Looking back I think I was in shock and once I got my head round it I felt better.
Sending lots of love xx

Thanks both of you for replying. Not much has changed since I posted in terms of how I feel. I still think I’ve made a mistake and I have a consultation with bpas for next week but not 100% if I’ll go through with an abortion. Ive had a scan to rule out another ectopic and everything looked fine.
I haven’t told dh how I feel yet as I’m scared about his reaction. I was the one who persuaded him to ttc so I can understandably see him being angry with me. I know I’m going to have to tell him soon though.
I haven’t booked in with a midwife as there will be no point if I don’t continue the pregnancy. I never thought I’d feel so depressed to be pregnant, this is the worst I’ve ever felt and now I have morning sickness which really isn’t helping. Can’t believe I’ve been so stupid.
I guess I’ll see how my consultation goes next week and go from there.
Thanks for your support