Unsure if PND
Loulou1294 · 16/12/2018 18:07
This is a long one sorry!
My names Louise and I am 24. My first and only child was born 5 months ago.
My labour went about as perfectly as I could have ever wished. However I had to be cut and the stitches didn’t heal properly and ended up infected. This led to a week of being unsure if they were infected plus another few days of antibiotics doing their thing. In this time I was in agony and absolutely miserable. Regular breakdowns were had in the shower. I couldn’t sit at all or stand for long and feeding became extremely difficult. My milk didn’t come in properly for a few days and so I was already combination feeding which made it slightly easier as his father could do the bottle feeds.
Time plodded on at around 2 months his latch completely changed, he was getting frustrated and no matter how I changed position or tried to encourage him on the breast he was suddenly only content with a bottle. Not ideal but it was what it was and I started expressing instead.
In October this year I found out I was pregnant again, complete irresponsibility on my part but I had not been keen on the pill prescribed by my doctor and had assumed my breast milk production would act as my contraceptive. Very sadly I decided not to proceed with the pregnancy as I couldn’t comprehend how I would cope with two so young. The termination came with so many complications and resulted in me being rushed to hospital a few days later and being told I’ll likely misscarry my next child. Something my head keeps telling me is my punishment.
Sorry for the life story but I want to explain that I am unsure if I am just stressed and sad like anyone would be or if this is post birth related and something I need to do something about.
So now on to how I feel/what I keep doing
- I am so resentful of my partner going to work everyday. I am jealous of his adult conversations, of his freedom to do simple things like go to the toilet to have lunch etc.
- This resentfulness is coming out in so many different ways, I get so angry with my partner for anything, his breathing his snoring the way he pronounces certain words!
- When I do have a night off and have a drink I start arguments with him.
- I want to hit him, like really really have to stop myself from punching him when we argue. Something that I have NEVER experienced.
- In general I am a big ball of anger.
- I am not too sleep deprived but I feel tired constantly. I cry a lot, anything and everything makes me cry.
- I feel so lonely and isolated. I haven’t helped myself as I haven’t gone to baby groups and rely on the same social circle I had before (two of them have children aged 4&6). I spend most of my days waiting for someone to come home from work.
- My maternity package at work wasn’t great and the statutory pay is something I worry about. Which is silly as my partners earns well and gives me money each month too.
- I have no motivation to do anything household wise for days then suddenly get a sudden burst of must wash everything in the basket must do this must do that
- My ability to start and complete a task is AWFUL. I go looking for something and come back with something else I’ll load the dishwasher and walk away without putting it on or do a wash and not hang it up etc etc
- Same with the forgetfulness I am so forgetful
- I get really frustrated with my baby when he cries, I have not and would not ever hurt him but I could scream sometimes.
- I am not really interested when people talk, my partner my mum my friends I just glaze over what they’re saying and make the right noises when I think I should. But I couldn’t ever repeat what they had told me.
I’m sure there’s more but even writing this is draining me. So please can someone help, what do I need to do? I really
don’t want to take anti depressants and had CBT years ago and didn’t find it helpful is there anything else anything I can do day??
Jaymee812 · 19/12/2018 16:09
You are so strong! It's so understandable why you are so angry and upset. Im sorry I'm not much help, i too have a 5mo baby and My biggest fear is to fall pregnant again and the pill I'm on or any pill I've been on doesn't agree with me. I won't let my partner anywhere near me and I'm just pushing him away. today I reached out to a counselling website as i am feeling a lot of what you described and I don't want to be told to go on tablets. I'm hoping this will help me get back to myself.
Sending you hugs xx
kellybeau707 · 06/01/2019 16:20
Hi, I know this post is a month old and I hope you're feeling better.
It does sound like you have depression, which wouldn't be surprising given what you're going through. A lot of what you're describing is quite common I think. I know I get jealous of my partner sometimes as he gets to go to work and have breaks for lunch or just to make himself a cup of tea. It's hard work being a new mum.
I think if you're still having problems you should probably go to talk to a doctor and see what they can offer you. You don't have to accept anything you don't want to.
Also it might be worth talking to your partner and seeing if he can give you a break for a day, maybe go out with a friend to vent and relax? Or even by yourself if you'd prefer? If you could do something for yourself, you might feel better.
I've done a lot of baby groups. I found you need to go about 4 or 5 times before you really feel like you can get to know people, but if you find a good one it can be really helpful. Everyone feels that it's hard sometimes. Sometimes the best person to talk to is another new mum, as they are probably experiencing some similar things.
I hope it's getting easier for you.
aetw · 04/02/2019 16:59
Op. I’m so glad I read your post and that I’m not on my own. Everything you write I’m feeling too! Literally everything!
Mine feels very hormonal and I have been self medicating with progesterone cream because I can’t seem to get a doctor appointment. (I know! Not good!)
But that level of frustration and angry annoyance I feel too! We had friends over yesterday and I couldn’t have been less interested! I find I long for my partner to just take the baby away and deal with her because I have no energy to cope with it.
I am having counselling which does help... just to say I understand how you are feeling really. X
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