This is a long one sorry!

My names Louise and I am 24. My first and only child was born 5 months ago.

My labour went about as perfectly as I could have ever wished. However I had to be cut and the stitches didn’t heal properly and ended up infected. This led to a week of being unsure if they were infected plus another few days of antibiotics doing their thing. In this time I was in agony and absolutely miserable. Regular breakdowns were had in the shower. I couldn’t sit at all or stand for long and feeding became extremely difficult. My milk didn’t come in properly for a few days and so I was already combination feeding which made it slightly easier as his father could do the bottle feeds.

Time plodded on at around 2 months his latch completely changed, he was getting frustrated and no matter how I changed position or tried to encourage him on the breast he was suddenly only content with a bottle. Not ideal but it was what it was and I started expressing instead.

In October this year I found out I was pregnant again, complete irresponsibility on my part but I had not been keen on the pill prescribed by my doctor and had assumed my breast milk production would act as my contraceptive. Very sadly I decided not to proceed with the pregnancy as I couldn’t comprehend how I would cope with two so young. The termination came with so many complications and resulted in me being rushed to hospital a few days later and being told I’ll likely misscarry my next child. Something my head keeps telling me is my punishment.

Sorry for the life story but I want to explain that I am unsure if I am just stressed and sad like anyone would be or if this is post birth related and something I need to do something about.

So now on to how I feel/what I keep doing

• I am so resentful of my partner going to work everyday. I am jealous of his adult conversations, of his freedom to do simple things like go to the toilet to have lunch etc.
  
• This resentfulness is coming out in so many different ways, I get so angry with my partner for anything, his breathing his snoring the way he pronounces certain words!
  
• When I do have a night off and have a drink I start arguments with him.
  
• I want to hit him, like really really have to stop myself from punching him when we argue. Something that I have NEVER experienced.
  
• In general I am a big ball of anger.
  
• I am not too sleep deprived but I feel tired constantly. I cry a lot, anything and everything makes me cry.
  
• I feel so lonely and isolated. I haven’t helped myself as I haven’t gone to baby groups and rely on the same social circle I had before (two of them have children aged 4&6). I spend most of my days waiting for someone to come home from work.
  
• My maternity package at work wasn’t great and the statutory pay is something I worry about. Which is silly as my partners earns well and gives me money each month too.
  
• I have no motivation to do anything household wise for days then suddenly get a sudden burst of must wash everything in the basket must do this must do that
  
• My ability to start and complete a task is AWFUL. I go looking for something and come back with something else I’ll load the dishwasher and walk away without putting it on or do a wash and not hang it up etc etc
  
• Same with the forgetfulness I am so forgetful
  
• I get really frustrated with my baby when he cries, I have not and would not ever hurt him but I could scream sometimes.
  
• I am not really interested when people talk, my partner my mum my friends I just glaze over what they’re saying and make the right noises when I think I should. But I couldn’t ever repeat what they had told me.