I am recently recovering from postnatal depression/anxiety. I am taking tablets although I do think my ability to cope has improved. Recently I have been thinking alot about what may have caused my anxiety and depression and for it to spiral so quickly out of control. My daughter was born from the miracle of IVF. The first 10 days of my daughter being born she was unwell, (my milk did not come in as I was induced) underweight and hungry which caused her to cry all day and night. I remember my husband becoming angry at me as he was kept awake. I remember me desperately trying to keep calm and settle her but I couldn’t. Another worry was that I kept my husband awake or disturbed him though the night for example if I had a snack whilst breast feeding. I remember one night he said to me ‘Well you’ve got what you want, a baby’. This was whilst I was awake all night and exhausted and I had woken him by accident and was upset as I was so tired. I used to say to people I just feel like I need someone else there like my mum. I didn’t want to be on my own looking after my daughter even if I was with my husband. I’m so confused at the moment. I feel like I am coping so much better looking after my daughter but feel I am looking back at why my PND/AX occurred as it did and the answers I am finding now my head is all over and this js creating new issues.
I have recently starting seeing a counsellor. I have let alot out to her which feels a relief to me as I don’t feel I can tell anyone else. My husband can be short tempered and at the time when my PND was at its worst I feel at times he did not help with how he spoke or acted. I can’t help feeling maybe I was/am oversensitive but it is a constant worry/thought for me now which makes me feel sad and resent him. I love my daughter and he does also. I just felt so alone. That feeling I had at night when I was alone awake feeding being scared to wake him as not to upset him. Why should he have made me feel like that? Why did he have to shout at me and make nasty comments? What right did he have?
I am scared to broach this with him now because I know he will get mad and be upset. It would really hurt him to know he played a part in me developing the anxiety.
When I was pregnant we went on a work do together. He got drunk, I drove. We drove a friend home after HE offered me too. He was being drunk and dropping food in my car and he thought I called him a name under my breath. He misheard me (I didnt) but was adamant I called him this name. He chucked the food all over my car and rubbed it in with his feet then slammed his hands on the dash before getting out the car and refusing to get back in. I was so upset and screaming at him to get back in. He said awful things to me that night. He apologised the next day but I can’t forget.
A few things since I’ve had my baby which have made a dent in my mind are when he got mad at me for making noise when I was up making his daughter packed lunch. I had been up with my daughter since 4 so after an hour or so I thought I’d help by making his daughter lunch for school so he didn’t have to. Anyway, he came down stairs and was fuming I had made noise in the kitchen and woken him…
I also remember one night when my daughter was going through a phase of non stop crying, I thought I would try some formula (i was BF at the time) to see if it would settle her. I had never made formula before so had to read the instructions, boil the kettle, let it cool etc… I was stressed already but I remember my husband shouting ‘what the f* is taking so long… what are you doing?!’ I tried to explain but he shouted and swore at me.
These are a couple examples but I feel they have scarred me and I think back now and how anxious I felt being with him because of these outbursts…
I just don’t know what to do. He is so nice and generous to me alot of the time but I can't shake this from my mind now.
Please helpxx