Name changed as a regular poster, and a sensitive area for me.
Sorry this is going to be long, 1. So I can give a full picture and 2. Because for some reason I find it so much easier to type my feelings than say them?! (Maybe the downfall of being a millennial?!)
Bit of background.. I have a large supportive family, great friends, loving husband, 2 year old and a (reasonably) well behaved dog, and I'm also in my 2nd trimester of pregnancy.
Both pregnancies planned, first took 7 months, this baby took 1 month.. so although planned was still a shock to both of us to happen so soon.
Pregnancy
Weeks 4 - 6 went great
Week 6 - bleeding started, had a scan, told baby wasn't big enough to detect heartbeat, would have to wait until 12 weeks to find out if baby has survived and grown, or if it has already passed
Week 7 - FIL died unexpectedly on my sons 2nd birthday.. we were in a function room directly opposite his house throwing a party, and he'd been there alone 2 days. Didn't want husband to go in to the room where he was found (due to length of time he had been there), so brave faced, masked and gloved up, and got cleaning
Week 8 - couldn't cope with not knowing if baby was growing, as still bleeding, booked private scan, told baby was small but all fine
Weeks 9 - 13 - Funeral arrangements / supporting a broken husband / general life with two year old.... and constant sickness.
Weeks 14 - Wake up in middle of the night thinking I'd wet myself, blood everywhere, passing large clots, can't control it, go hospital, have internal, no explanation put on bed rest. Spend the whole time flipping between 'this is nice and relaxing' to uncontrollable guilt for my 2 year old whose being passed from family member to family member (who I really appreciate - and husbands work is not flexible). Sickness still constant
Week 15 - go back to hospital to be checked, heartbeat found, growth recognised, off I go for another week of rest but getting back to normal slowly - oh and still bleeding.... and constant sickness
Week 16, 17 and continuing - had midwife appts etc and heartbeat still strong, bleeding slowing... sickness still constant.
Today, I got up, had a small snap at my husband, who gave me a small snap back. We were off to buy a new family car, dropping DS1 and dog at auntie and uncles for a couple of hours. Once son got out the car, I had an almighty break down.
Tears would not stop. Couldn't breath properly. Told husband I didn't want to be with him (not true, but I fully believed it in that moment), I don't want another baby, I don't want to be a mum, I feel trapped, I hate life, I need a reset button and need to get away.
Husband is excellent with our son, and grandparents jump at spending time with him, so I'm not lacking support at all... although I do feel husband could support me slightly better rather than by just occupying our son when I'm being sick.. I.e. on the one morning per week he is home, perhaps asking if I would like some breakfast, rather than waiting for me to be sick then going and getting something.
My brothers baby was stillborn in 2016, I have seen the devastation that stems from this, for both the parents and the immediate family. Now I feel like an absolutely disgusting person for saying I don't want another baby when I'm pregnant.
I can't work out of I actually meant anything I said, because I don't feel like that all the time? Was I just being hormonal? Or are these feelings underlying?
I do worry that I'm not going to be able to cope with two under 3, or if I'm good enough for them.
I'm not trying to be dramatic or anything, but I guess what I'm asking, is there stressful start of the pregnancy, combined with normal life, and general worries about when baby is here.. was my outburst simply a 'normal' release? Or should I be going to a professional for help?
I'm not trying to justify myself, but I love my husband, I love my son and I know I will love my baby.. I'm just a bit scared.
Any advise welcomed