Tokophobia at 37? But would love to be a Mum

[loubielou81]

I want a baby but I’m 37 and the thought of carrying a baby terrifies me. I can only describe it as claustrophobia when I think of carrying a baby. Has anyone else felt this? I feel like my chances are getting less and I need to decide!

It's a tricky one. Does your desire for a baby outweigh your fear of creating one? I didn't enjoy pregnancy or birth at all but would do it again (and probably will) because I think it's worth it. Do you?

Thanks for replying. At the moment it's not, I just wish I knew how bad the anxiety might be. My only solution so far is that we do it but don't tell anyone for as long as possible maybe so I can not think about it for a while.

If you don't mind me asking, what in particular didn't you enjoy, and were medical professionals understanding and helpful about it?

That's kinda what I did. Just got into the situation without thinking about it too much! I had a fairly routine pregnancy but hated it. Like, everything about it. The nausea, having to tell people, gaining weight, maternity clothes, slathering my stomach in goop to prevent stretch marks (didn't work, my stomach looked like tiger bread, got them down to my knees and now look like a deflated balloon), movements (initially felt so unsettling and wrong and then later on got quite painful but at the same time had massive anxiety if I hadn't felt any in a while), not being able to lie on my back past about twenty weeks, fielding comments from idiots, not being able to sleep, crazy dreams, craving food, leaking breasts, dvt scare that resulted in having to self inject blood thinners into my stomach, having to anxiously Google to check I was allowed to eat everything before I put it in my mouth (once had a panic because I ate half a bag of licorice before googling and realising it's contraindicated in pregnancy), feeling guilty whenever I ate subverting unhealthy, stupid vitamins that give fishy burps. The list goes on lol. The birth was described as textbook by the midwives but was easily the most awful experience of my life, particularly hated being sewn up afterwards.

Yet I'm looking at my four month old and know it was worth it and I'll probably do it again at some point!

*something not subverting.

Didn't really need much medical help, just had a rubbish time. I'm sure they'd have been reassuring if I'd asked though.

It's worth mentioning I feel that lots of women love pregnancy, most don't mind it and some hate it. It didn't agree with me at all, but there's no telling what experience you'll have before it happens. So don't let me put you off.

Thank you so much for being so honest. I just feel like it'll be a 9 month long anxiety attack and my heart won't cope! But it's also lovely to know your lovely baby made it worthwhile! I want to order my baby and get it delivered 😂 thanks

I feel the same @loubielou81 - I'm a year older than you and I'm starting to feel like we have to make a decision soon. I do know people who aren't tokophobic who didn't enjoy pregnancy, but as you say it's quite scary contemplating a situation where you feel out of control. I'm also anxious about medics not listening to me, etc. I'm lucky to have a supportive DH and we've actually worked through how we would cope with some of the issues I'm worried about. I guess next thing is going to be speaking to a GP about it, but I'm petrified of that too as it makes it all seem much more real (don't you just love it when your mind sticks barriers in the way?!).

Anyway, you are definitely not alone.

I'm sorry you feel like this too 😢 it is a mind barrier isn't it! I think it's a fear of fear isn't it. Have you heard of Alexia Leachman? Have a look at her website and YouTube videos, she's been through it too and counsels people now. Fingers crossed we'll think what the bloody hell were we worried about!! 🤞🏻

You should try to talk to a professional, if you decide to have a baby midwives and healthcare professionals can help and should take your concerns seriously.
Many women's not enjoy pregnancy, I understand this is more serious than that for you, but I think social media often portrays every woman glowing and excited. Good luck 💚

Speaking as someone who is adopted and feels very lucky to have been given a second chance at life through this, would you consider other avenues to becoming a mum? Mine never gave birth but is the best mum in the world to my brother and I!

Thanks so much, I think I’m going to enquire about that. I just feel daft because it’s such a wonderful thing but I feel dizzy thinking of it sometimes!

That’s such a wonderful thing to hear! Thanks for replying, my boyfriend had suggested this himself too, I’d be open to the idea for sure

@loubielou81 Honestly it's one of the best things another person can do for another - give them a whole second chance at life.

My lovely ma said to me right from a young age that I have a tummy mummy and a mummy mummy which was a lovely way of explaining it.

And to reply to any teasing at all we were brought up to say how our parents chose us because they wanted us soooo much.

Lovely to hear you're considering it with your partner - best of luck whatever you decide to do :)

Just wondering how everything turned out. I am an anxiety ball. I got pregnant 10 years ago and the anxiety was so bad ive waited this long to try again....they only thing that convinced me to do it was know it was now or never (im 38 now). I am feeling anxious. It has lessened lately (im 8 weeks), but i dont think itll go. Because im nervous about showing, telling people and people i know at work but not enough to talk to, noticing and trying to talk to me about it. Im worried the scan will freak me out. Im worrued the moving will freak me out. Im worried breast feeding will freak me out. Im nervous and anxious about almost everything thats to come. Im worried I wont ever look the same again. Im woried im too lazy to be a good mum. Im worried. Having said that, i am no where near as worried as last time ... or even as i was last week.

I’ve only just seen this! I hope to high heaven that you are continuing to feel better! It’s such wonderful news and I’m sorry you’re feeling all those things!
I tried to just not overthink and took my implant out in January. I took folic acid everyday and used ovulation sticks and I feel like that slight bit of being proactive made me feel more in control.
2 days ago I got a positive pregnancy test 😃 I just was busting with happiness and I’m not going mental as yet I just feel grateful. I’ve had an abdominal pregnancy that I had methotrexate for and a miscarriage a few years later. This was 8 years ago so I’m just hoping they can let me have an early scan to be safe. My brain is my worst enemy so I’m trying not to google stuff and just remind myself that I feel pretty normal so far! I’m crossing my fingers for us both that we can enjoy the magic of it all! 💖

Yay!!! Im so glad you reacted positively...thats brilliant!!
I have had 2 scan now and not freaked out at either.... whoop!
Just starting to show and had a little panic attack today, but nothing I couldn't handle. We are getting there!

Congratulations! I had it but it was the fear of giving birth rather than the pregnancy. I was allowed a c section which gave me some control over the situation. I now have a lovely little boy who is my life! I wouldn't go through it again for a second child but having one has been the compromise for me.

Ah thank you both! I’m smiling my head off this morning for us all! Aren’t we bloody fantastic! Just got to go one day at a time I suppose : )

@loubielou81 only just checked back here and saw you got a BFP - I'm about 4 weeks ahead of you! I've had my booking appointment already and mentioned the tokophobia to the midwife then. She's noted it down and recorded my anxiety and was quite reassuring about being able to discuss with the head midwife at a later date. At the moment, I'm not feeling too stressed as I'm just concentrating on getting past milestones (I've got Harmony booked for next week) but I am expecting that once I'm past the point that it looks like it's definitely going to happen I'll start to feel a bit more anxious.

oh that’s fantastic news! You sound like you are doing brilliantly so far and like you’re taking control of what you can which is good isn’t it!
I had pains early on so I had a scan and it was just were the egg had come out of my ovary! But once I saw that little flicker my reaction showed me that I have made the right choice. When I worried before I completely hadn’t factored in that I actually wanted this!
Just think you’ve done a quarter of it all already and you’re doing great! It’d be lovely to hear how you get on in weeks to come. Congratulations!!

@loubielou81 eek, yes 1/4 is quite scary when you think of it like that! Definitely stay in touch - much easier to discuss fears and concerns with others who feel similar! Take care yourself 👍

I know this is old but wondering how everyone got on

Aw @loubielou81 I have the same thing, mine is mainly about the birth part though but have found that I actually like being pregnant! Was so pleased to read you decided to do it! I hope you now have a lovely little girl or boy ☺️

Are you scared of birth? I had a very bad phobia of giving birth so opted for a c section, had to fight for as had some very old school consultants who don’t agree with it and didn’t tear mental health as a reason 🙄 but managed to see a consultant who agreed to the op and was my surgeon on the day too. You can’t actually be refused a section even without a reason btw