Scared I don't want my baby. Depression?

[DebbieH2]

I'm 35 weeks pregnant and have been really struggling with mood swings in the last 5/6 weeks. Tried to speak to the mental health midwife but have been fobbed off. Feel completely alone.

Lots of lows with very few highs. I worry about being a good enough mum/wife. I've tried talking to my husband about the possibility of me not being able to care for the baby when it arrives. That he should prep for me not being here. He just gets angry with me. And we fall out.

He's told me tonight that I've become like all the women he's hated in the past. (Full of drama and hysteria) I can't control my feelings or emotions I feel like I'm literally living in a dream world watching from the outside as I do/say all these things but can't stop myself. My marriage is hanging on by a thread right now I can't see us lasting the week.

I never wanted to bring a child into the world where it lives in a broken family right now I don't think I have the choice.

Should I ask for some anti depressants? Would they help curb my mood swings enough to try and make things better for hubby? I've given up on myself I just want this pregnancy to be over with in the hopes that I won't be completely broken by the end of it and have a healthy baby that someone can look after even if it's not me.

You poor thing. I had ante-natal depression, from around the 33wk mark with my first baby.

It sounds like you have different things going on. Your hormones are all over the place. I’m no doctor but I was pretty confident that some (not all) of what I was feeling was not actually my thoughts. It was happening despite myself; the baby was wanted, I had no major stresses in my life at the time, there was no solid reason for my feelings. It made me feel a bit better to know that my body was playing tricks on me, that the feelings weren’t real.

Some of what you describe sounds like the natural anxiety around becoming a mother (sounds like this is your first?). If you let that run away with you, when you’re feeling low to begin with, it can really get a grip of you. You don’t know what sort of mother you’re going to be. Statistically speaking, chances are extremely high you’re going to be the best mother your child could hope for. Trust that. There’s nothing to suggest that you’re going to be anything else.

Then there’s your DH. It sounds like - sorry - he’s being a dick. For the sake of everything else going on in your life right now, I’d just not speak to him about anything serious until you feel better. You don’t need his unhelpful input at the moment. Turn to other sources.

Which sources? Your GP: insist s/he take you seriously. Pills may not the the answer, perhaps a therapy-style session might work. Your midwife: do not let yourself be dismissed. Stand up for yourself and your baby. Bring it up again and demand that she look into solutions available to you. Family: do you have anyone you can speak to in confidence? Friends: the same?

Talking really helps you not feel alone. What you’re feeling is normal. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s a big thing, pregnancy and childbirth, but because it’s so commonplace and mundane the enormity of what’s actually happening often goes unnoticed (as it should when everything is going smoothly). But it’s not going smoothly, so you need to be noticed and heard.

Good luck. Everything can very very realistically turn out just fine.

Look for this book: Ante-natal and Post-natal Depression by Siobhan Curham. I had ante-natal depression after conceiving through IVF, for years we had wanted a baby and when I finally got pregnant I was overwhelmed by feelings of maybe we shouldn't have made it happen, and what will happen to us now? This book helped me get through the emotional difficulties of the pregnancy and park them until after birth. DD is now 10 and I recognise that my ante-natal depression was dependent on my circumstances, not only hormonal.

You are 35 weeks' pregnant. Lots of things in the next few weeks will affect how things have played out tonight. Hang fire on the anti-depressants, they wouldn't take effect for a few weeks anyway. You've had all the worries about being a good wife and mother that many people have, myself included, and I bombarded an excellent psych nurse with them through my local ante-natal service. He was fantastic and basically said you have to park all these things until after the birth. You can revisit them afterwards. I hope your mental health nurse hasn't said your worries don't matter. They do - just get through the birth and then look at them again. If she's made you feel alone then get another nurse. Don't waste time on listening to one who doesn't know her stuff. I would recommend that book for a start, it will help you make sense of things for now. XX

You've hit the nail on the head with what your saying. I've tried again to get in touch with a mental health nurse at my hospital but no look yet we will see.

I just don't know how to make my relationship more secure I am so tired that I can't think straight at the minute. I don't recognise good decisions from bad ones. Oh I need a magic wand right about now! Or a remedy that says do this and it'll all be ok!

Hey OP, so sorry to hear you are feeling so low. There is help out there, it shouldn't be made so hard for you to get it.
Have you spoken to your midwife about how you are feeling? I spoke to mine yesterday and she has referred me for maternity specific counselling through the hospital. Hopefully that might be an option for you too.
If you go to your GP and get antidepressants, according to my midwife, you have to stay in hospital for at least 48hours after birth for monitoring. You may be happy with that, just thought I'd mention.
Definitely understand how you are feeling. It is difficult for people who have never felt this way (your DH perhaps) to understand how you can feel the way you do.
Sending big hugs and here if you would like to talk as I'm in the same boat xx

Hi, couldn’t read and run. I could have written your post a number of years ago, Please insist your GP/midwife takes you seriously and get some support, you don’t need to feel this way.

If you get desperate go to the A & E.

Thanks guys.
I ended up ringing and booking an appointment with a GP. Saw a locum she was brilliant and within a day got me an appointment at the hospital for nxt Tuesday. So here's hoping that some councilling is just what I need.
She's offered me antidepressants to help with my anxiety and I've agreed because I couldn't carry on as I was. Feeling a complete failure for taking them but just needed something to help.
I'll have to stay in hospital a couple of days anyway due to gestational diabetes so I figured that's not going to be any different.

So glad you've got some help. Don't feel bad about taking antidepressants at all, anything that will help you is a good thing. I really hope you start to feel better soon. Keep me posted on counselling, I start next week too x

Corbby1.
I hope everything goes well for you too. 😀 x

Never feel a failure for taking anti-depressants. Anyone who is out there worrying they should not take them, by trying them you are taking steps to help your mental health. Debbie you've done a great thing for yourself and your baby by asking for all the help you can get, counselling, the lot. X

Well done you for pushing for the help you need.

Please don’t be too hard on yourself. What you are now entering is a big thing. It’s very normal to question how you will be in your new role.

I didn’t suffer badly enough to need intervention but I constantly questioned myself leading up to the birth of my daughter.
She’s getting on for 5 months now and we’re doing more than ok.

Good luck op.

I felt very down during pregnancy as well, not one bit excited and just felt awful, impending stress. I struggled the first month after birth but weirdly didn't get PND and things got better from there on in. I've ended up loving being a mum and loving having children, with the usual ups and downs. This is a very real chemical issue in your brain, I'm so pleased you are getting help (this shows you will be a good mum because you are already worried you aren't going to be good enough and are getting treatment). Hang on in there and take all help offered.

Thank you @DebbieH2
How are you feeling? xx

This was me with DD1. Felt like I was going bonkers. It was hormones, completely. Felt entirely different immediately she was born. Anti depressants helped me through the worst of it in the pregnancy but they did take a couple of weeks to kick in.