Please don’t judge me, it all sounds horrible to say out loud but I’m not coping at all. My son is now 8 days old, and it was a horrible pregnancy. It wasn’t planned, and my first thought was to get an abortion. I had severe drug alcohol and debt problems prior, but I couldn’t go through with the abortion so I decided that I would like to arrange to put my baby up for adoption instead so he can have a loving family who can care for him. My partner was dead set against it, and even though I knew I didn’t have one tiny bit of maternal instinct I decided to go along with it for him. I sorted myself out and stopped everything, just trying so hard to keep it together but the further into the pregnancy I got I became more and more depressed, (I suffer from BPD and Depression already) I tried to end my life at 28 weeks pregnant and failed, and I always told myself that I knew I wouldn’t cope and that as soon as he was here I was going to kill myself so at least then he could have a chance to live. That thought was the ONLY thing that got me through those last few months.
I was off on sick from work for months, and was getting visits from the crisis team for a while after a visit to the GP where I broke down and told them everything.
I got my medication put up, and referred for more counselling. I got a bit better, I was eating and going out a couple of times a week again but I still didn’t feel any bond for my baby.
Fast forward to now, i was in labour for 5 days and didn’t sleep for the 4 at all before giving birth. I was exhausted and fed up before it even began.
I waited for that rush of love when I saw my baby for the first time and put him on my chest.. but it never came. There was something there because I couldn’t stop looking at him and how cute he was, but it definitely wasn’t love. I was terrified that I’d made the biggest mistake of my life.
For the first few days he ate, got changed had a cuddle and slept. It was hard but we were coping.
Now, he just cries. That’s the only thing that me and him share together. Even my partner who was so excited has even said that he feels nothing towards him, and neither do I. I keep changing him and feeding him and cuddling him but some days he just won’t stop for more that 10 minutes and we feel so helpless. I just feel like im running on empty, just mindlessly changing feeding rocking and trying to soothe him, just because that’s what I’m meant to do. I haven’t eaten a thing in days now, and i haven’t stopped crying. My mum had him for the night 2 days ago and I drank a whole bottle of vodka and took any and all tablets I could find in the house in an attempt to make it all stop.. but I’m still here.
Iv arranged for the midwife to come and see me tomorrow because I’m falling apart, but I’m even terrified of telling her because what will she do? It sounds so awful to say. We’re meant to love this baby, but we can’t cope and I really really don’t know how much longer I can go on for. Our families are being so supportive but it isn’t making it any easier. I can’t live like this any longer.