Postnatal Thoughts

[Lavenderdays]

I wouldn't say I am depressed exactly, more anxious than usual but also have a feeling of being overwhelmed.
I am an older mum in my 40's, therefore a lot of my friends have older children 8 years plus now . I have two other dc - 12 and coming up to 5 and then my four month old baby. I am breastfeeding baby and she doesn't sleep through the night, I think my sometimes low mood can be attributed to lack of sleep. I have aches mainly in my ankles - I read on mumsnet this could be hormone related which would make sense because I have always been quite hormone driven (PMT etc). I don't have any family support and always like to see myself as someone who can cope. I feel I can't moan about how hard it sometimes is because I chose to have my little dd (especially at my grand old age). I suppose it is juggling everything (my dh is very supportive but works full-time). My pre-teen has had some friendship issues which look like they are resolving now thankfully and my 4 year old is quite challenging to parent - she is bright but wants an explanation for why she cant do something/wants choice in instruction etc. I don't really go out much - it has been boiling hot and I am still 2 stone overweight and struggling with the heat, let alone taking little dd around in the heat, so this probably compounds things plus I don't like making plans because I never know if I am going to feel too tired etc. and want to snatch a break at every opportunity. This is probably compounding things because I did have a coffee meet up with some ladies last week (first time in ages) and felt so much better afterward. My house is a mess (understandably) and mostly people come to me because it is easier to feed/change dd but I find this a bit of a drag also because I would like to have a change of scene. I do go out at the weekend but it invariably involves a trip to the supermarket. I hate moaning because there is no way I would want to be without dd but sometimes things do seem monotonous including wearing the same clothes over and over again because I have convinced myself that I will lose weight once I have finished breastfeeding in a couple of months time. I guess the whole thing feels isolating and I don't know anyone in the same boat. When people see me they see the happy smiley me and usually I am told how lucky I am which I am...but sometimes I just want to pour out how I am actually feeling which is often overwhelmed in trying to adjust to having 3 dcs now (and their individual issues) and not feeling top whack. Sometimes I feel like I am just fire-fighting. Can anyone relate?

Hi there lavenderdays
I can very much relate to the feeling of fire fighting, feeling anxious and making it look right with a smile plastered on my face (inside I'm a mess). I had postpartum anxiety which may not be what you have but I wonder if my video may help you - I talk about my experience of it and how I overcame it. Here is a link, hope you find it helpful x www.facebook.com/bathmindfulness/videos/230516664413369/

Thanks Bathmindfulness
It is great that you have posted about the anxiety that you experienced. I had pnd with both dc1 and dc2 but not with dc3. I think by then I had become far more aware of what was happening/likely to happen, plus both times there was other external stuff happening that probably contributed to this. I did have a bit of anxiety but fortunately, it didn't last for long (I experienced a late loss so it was largely connected to this but probably fuelled by hormones.) Little dd has been sleeping better this past week and I find this makes a distance to my overall wellbeing. I'm still not venturing out very far - taking the stance of less is more. I have also scraped a bit of time to work on the novel I have written (I am at editing stage and two-thirds through now) and I find that this is very therapeutic and gives me another outlook/mental stimulation and is cathartic...the benefits of this to me are endless and it has probably saved my sanity. Having a late loss, I didn't feel I could look around me and say actually this is hard going. The grass is greener thing also kicked in. Most of my friends/the people I know have older children and are planning foreign trips or can just get about more easily...some have children that are just about old enough to leave alone in the house so they can go out without them. I wouldn't change a thing though except I probably would have had my children a bit sooner in hindsight. I had two lovely conversations today (unfortunately, I don't see these women often) but it demonstrated that I do have the ability to connect with others. I am a sahm and have been for several years now. I have plans but these will need to go on hold for the time being and I need to throw myself into what is actually happening now (sort of related to your video) because sure as sure time will pass and most likely pass quickly. That's the secret I think - try not compare and throw yourself into the here and now and deal with what you've got/what is happening and improve it where you can, even if it is by doing something small and not life changing. Health visitor is coming soon to offer a listening service...I feel proud that I worked out what it was that I needed and made it happen.

Sounds like you've had a tough time but fantastic to hear that you're more aware this time and making steps to get support. Sleep deprivation makes a huge difference to outlook doesn't it! Best of luck with it all and the novel - in a sahm setting up a new business and whilst it is challenging it is so good for my mental health to have a creative output x

Yes, the writing has really made a difference to me, it is something that I can do around the children and it is something just for me. Good luck with your new business x