PPD or just not cut out to be a Mum?

[MissB83]

I am increasingly worried that I have PPD. After a difficult pregnancy my son was born by EMCS. I was under general anaesthetic and have no memory of him being given to me. In the early days I came to even think he might not be my baby at all; this hasn’t entirely gone away and I can feel connected to him some days and less connected other days.

70-80% of the time I am ok with my son and fairly patient but I struggle with tiredness as he has never slept well. He has also cluster fed a lot in evenings/night from birth. I have had family help but sometimes I just feel totally overwhelmed. I don’t cry or anything, just feel enormous frustration and irritation. For example my son will often kick, flail, scratch and punch when he’s in a feeding frenzy or just after. I know it isn’t his fault but I find it totally maddening. Sometimes I just have to remove him from the boob and go and sit somewhere else for a while. He also makes these noises which just give me a headache. I find myself wishing I could just take a few days out from all this to just rest. But then on the other hand I know I do love him, so it’s very confusing, and to be honest I feel like a shit mum.

Please offer your thoughts! Does this sound like PPD?

With me depression really shows it self as anger and irritation. It’s not weeping but a short fuse.
If you think you might have depression it’s worth getting some help. And if it’s not depression talking about the feelings your having may help anyway.

I think you probably feel robbed of your experience of giving birth not remembering it and not remembering when he was first passed to you must be a very hard thing to come to terms with because for some people that is the moment that they bond instantly. Personally for me it wasn't (which I feel guilty about) and for others it isn't too... my bond with my now 6 month old has come over time. It does sound like you might be suffering with pnd too with the irritability... is it possible to speak to your hv about it all? How old is your lo op?

Mincy, he is 10 weeks old today. I’m seeing HV this week so will have a word. Was just confused as it doesn’t feel like normal depression.

Initially when he was born I cried a lot about the birth experience, then came to realise I wouldn’t have had him otherwise. It still kinda hurts in the background though.