I feel like I can't breathe - pnd or normal new mum stuff?

[CheesecakeAddict]

I have a 5 month old. She is my world and I love her more than anything So I feel consumed with guilt that I am even writing this. It might be long because I don't want to drip feed.

I had a MMC last year and I was a mess afterwards. I was in a very dark place for a very long time and I don't even think my partner knew quite how bad my thoughts were. But then I got pregnant again and so I didn't see the gp as I thought my problems were solved. And for a while they were. I had a pretty uncomplicated pregnancy, my labour was traumatic on paper but I recovered pretty quickly from it. I never even felt the baby blues. I was so happy and felt like I had my shit together.

Fast forward to 6 weeks old and I started crying all the time. Some of the dark thoughts came back. I went to see my hv but I couldn't bring myself to tell her about the dark thoughts and she said I was just tired and go back if it got worse. We are now 5 months pp and I'm not sure if it's tiredness or if I should go back. I just spend most mornings crying, I can't sleep on an evening and I feel like a pressure a weighing down on me and I can't breathe. I feel like a shutter has come down and the real me is at the other side and I'm trapped in this life that doesn't belong to me. I tried telling a friend but she says it's normal to feel trapped as a new mum. But is this really normal? It sounds ridiculous and a bit teenage angsty which is why I've never admitted it.

My partner has been fantastic but is out of the house 14 hours a day. I moved here for his job so I don't have any friends nearby that can help and my nearest relative lives 200 miles away and works full time so I have no help.

Oh hunny that sounds awful.

Firstly I felt the same, I miscarried before having my dd and I still get upset thinking about it, that was 3 years ago!!! Albeit not quite as bad.

It can be hard moving to a new place, I'd get myself down to the children's centre, look for some baby groups to go to and hopefully you'll feel better.

I couldn't have stayed in all day every day it made me more depressed! It's hard but it does get easier in time, where are you living? X

I'm in London. I do go to the children's centres and I am at a class almost every day. I've met people from the mush app too

It's great you're getting out and about; if you're feeling really down, I'd definately speak to your HV or GP about some medication or even counselling perhaps.

When I was on maternity leave I tried to keep myself busy as much as I could without spending a fortune on activities- I found some of the people I'd met seemed to have a bottomless pit of money which was another challenge I had!!! I was on a very tight budget;

I love baking so I used to bake lots and invite people round for afternoon tea which was cheaper than going out but then friends invited us back. I found my network of friends was vital and I joined my local slimming world 1 night a week for me and met some lovely people there too.

It can be a struggle, don't for one minute think you're on your own xxxx

Thank you for your kind words.

I spent another day crying and feeling totally overwhelmed. Dd only woke up 4 times last night so I got so much sleep in comparison to what I usually do so even though I still doubt myself I don't think it is sleep deprivation. So I have geared myself up to go to the gp tomorrow. I'm so scared. I also feel so angry because I was so looking forward to my maternity leave and I feel robbed of the experience

Well done - be fully honest with your GP. They take their duty of care to new mothers with PND very very seriously and will arrange counselling and maybe a support group. Also you will be offered anti-depressants. Regular HV visits too.

I had PND with my second and the counselling and support group were organised very quickly, I didn’t take the ADs but that’s just me, lots of people benefit from them.

Don’t hold back when you tell the doctor how bad you’ve been feeling, they need to know you’re above ‘normal’ levels of depression/sadness to qualify for the counselling.

Good luck You’ll get through this.