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Antenatal/postnatal depression

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Please help me

3 replies

Daddy14 · 18/04/2018 01:04

My girlfriend and I welcomed our beautiful little girl nearly four years ago. The delivery was an unexpected emergency section and we spent extra time in hospital as our little one wouldn't latch. We've had lovely times but since our daughter arriving we seem to have an endless stream of challenges, from Silent Reflux, CMPA and general sleep challenges that have left both of us exhausted. The hardest thing though has been the difficulties the last 4 years have brought to our relationship. I love my girlfriend and our little girl more than anything and I try my best to share the workload of the day to day, and night, needs. Over time my girlfriend's attitude toward me has become hostile and any conversation I have with her is met with nasty replies. She often misinterprets my intentions or simply dismisses my opinions like I'm dirt, when all I ever want to do is help. I've taken the verbal hits for this whole time as I believe that it's a combination of sleep deprivation and PND that is underlying and my girlfriend did see a GP a few years back about this. However, this didn't go as I'd hoped as after she was given sleeping pills and antidepressants, she tried the sleeping pills but nothing else which was a joint decision as neither of us thought that antidepressants are a fix. Having read more I'm beginning to think that there is more to this approach than simply and artificially suppressing mental state, which was our opinion at the time. These days I am struggling to remain patient, especially as I now feel that our little girl is witnessing mummy's shouting and more frequent moments of loss of temper, especially as regular night time wakings continue. I've recently started to tell my girlfriend to leave the room when she is shouting at our little girl in an attempt to get her to stop crying or go back to sleep. At this point I want to add that if anyone is thinking my girlfriend is not so nice, that's not true. I know she loves our little girl and I hope she still loves me, but me feeling like I have to intervene this way is making the bridge between us longer. My girlfriend is also very selfless by nature and puts others first. Ive been clinging on to the hope that bringing up our little girl will get easier and everything will fall into place but recently my thoughts have turned to despair in the thought that we might not make it through and I couldn't bear being apart from my baby girl, or my girlfriend - my best friend, if that happens. I also want to say that my girlfriend takes the brunt of the issues but that isn't because I'm not available, she just takes it on herself and often pushes me away if I try to help. I really want her to find time for herself, but I think she feels the burden is on her, which although I understand her feelings, I don't feel this is a fair opinion. Im a true believer that we are in this together and it is not a woman's job, where a man should help from time to time but despite me trying my best, my girlfriend makes comments as if I don't help or I'm useless. This hurts as I know I'm there, doing my fair share, more than most other dad's and deep down my girlfriend must know this. Right now I'm typing this and trying to figure out what to do next. I'm thinking a visit to the GP, for me and ideally my girlfriend but I'm almost frightened to broach the subject, plus I know she feels dismissed previously so I'm not sure how effective it will be. My girlfriend previously admitted that she thinks she had/has PND but I'm worried that suggesting we go for help will be taken as me labelling her as the problem. I love her so much and tell her but I'm afraid that she sees me with such hostility that we are struggling to communicate and I think that is failing to address the situation earlier may have lead to the extreme point I feel we are at. I really can't believe the situation we are in as we were soul mates, and I hope still are, before our little girl arrived.

OP posts:
nervousFTM · 21/04/2018 06:48

@Daddy14 your voice here could be my husband's 😢 I'm sorry you are going through this. It's easy to take wonderful partners for granted when they are like you (or my own hubby) as you keep giving. I am not saying to stop that, but it sounds like you need some love and appreciation in return. I've suffered from depression for about 6 months following a horrendous, loss-filled year last year. I'm pregnant now (first time) and this has escalated the rage and low moods I've been feeling anyway. Anti depressants are not an option (though I have them at home) given my current status, but hubby and I are keen to go to couples counselling to rediscover how to communicate. I think communication is key in both yours and my circumstances. I really wish your family the best of luck and thank you for speaking out x

FizzTime · 26/04/2018 09:32

Hi Daddy14,

What an amazing thing you have done to reach out like this and seek help. You sound like a wonderful person, partner and father and I commend you so much for having the strength to try and weather this storm so thoughtfully and lovingly. Your partner is suffering from depression, in my opinion, and she needs to talk to her GP immediately and be completely honest about how much she is struggling. Antidepressants are not for everyone but, combined with talking therapy, they could give her the short term strength and calm she needs to deal with the deeper issues and difficulties she is going through that are leading to her being so unwell. I wouldn't rule them out, most people take them for 6 months or so and then gradually come off them. They can transform people's lives if used correctly. Your partner's GP can refer her for counselling or therapy, or she can self refer - google IAPT to find services in your local area. Depression untreated is as harmful to our health as any other untreated illness and there is so much help available. Be persistent - you are both entitled to help and it is available if you look for it and ask for it. It sounds like you are struggling too and I'm sure you've tried everything in terms of talking it through between you - but perhaps just keep gently reminding her that she's a fantastic mummy and a wonderful person and reassure her that she is doing a great job. However, all three of you need to look after your mental health and seeking the help of healthcare professionals sounds like the best way forward to me. Congratulations on being such a great Daddy and partner and all the very best of luck to you x

FizzTime · 26/04/2018 09:36

Just to add - if she felt dismissed previously she must see a different GP. Unfortunately there are good ones and bad ones. She must keep asking for a different doctor or register elsewhere until she finds a decent doctor who listens and offers the appropriate help. It may only take one or two changes but will be worth it - don't let incompetent and irresponsible GPs deny you and your family of the important help you do rightly deserve and need x

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