First baby, do I have PND?

[LilyWhite2]

I have had depression before but I don't let it get on top of me, it's who I am I don't take pills ect because I feel it's better to get better by yourself. But this.. this has really taken it out of me.

My DS is 7 months old he was a rainbow baby, I found out 3 weeks after a loss after trying for 18 months. So I guess I struggled to believe it at all. Then my birth didn't really go as planned.. I found out after 3 weeks of being told id peed myself one day that my waters had actually gone. So I was induced then and had on off labour for 5 days.. a traumatic labour hypno birthing on gas and air for 11 hours (no one said hey this isnt like a normal labour). Ended in a failed epidural and then a emergency c section and me in tears and anxiety attack as i could literally feel them pushing on my 8 bag full of fluid bladder.

I can't think of it without getting upset.. I cannot watch birth programmes. I had to stay in for 4 more days with my DS which drove me near insane as my DH couldn't stay with me. Within a few weeks I got over it and then 2 months back it hit me like a sack of bricks..

I'm so irritable, angry and sad.. I have days where I can barely get out of bed, to days where i "cope" just fine. I feel like such a shit excuse for a mother for being like this around my baby. I'm a patient person but I get nasty so quickly to anyone and I don't think I should be around my little boy, like im not good enough being like this and he deserves better than me.

I hate my husband, he's trying his best but I don't want to be around him half the time or I lose my shit so quickly with him. It's not me, I don't know who this person is.

I have hinted to HV but I feel ashamed.. I don't know what the Drs could do, like i said pills don't ever work ive been on and off them before. Im so tired of feeling sad and angry, i feel like there's never a say where I'm not crying or irritable.

What triggers you OP? What is it that sets you off, is it the baby crying, the annoying pampers adverts with the mums looking like they have it ‘all together’. Mess in the house, lack of sleep?

If you had to narrow it down what would you say makes you feel shit?

Hi I'm no health professional but I did have pnd, and it sounds likely, especially given all the trauma you've been through.

With me I cried on a daily basis, i felt really angry at people who tried to help with baby (mainly DP) cos I had this feeling of hopelessness that it would end up being me that settled baby so why were they bothering (completely lacking in patience which isn't me, I'm usually very easy going), also... I felt like clawing at my face with my nails (I didn't, I screamed into pillow instead). I didn't mention the last bit to anyone as was worried the perceived violence/self harm would lead to baby being taken away.

Just awful when I look back. I feel so sorry for myself. I was totally overwhelmed and felt alone.

I was offered pills and talking therapy - maybe the latter would help you? Please don't be ashamed to mention it, it's so common and you won't be judged.

In the end I think it was just time that made me well again. Fucking awful thing to go through, I hope you get some support x

@Mrstumbletap

Hard one, if im stressing it's a major trigger for me to go from zero to bitch. Eg. Running around on 5 hours sleep, feeding.. weaning/making meals, bum changes and cleaning the house before we go out. This is while DH sits on his pc.. He does a lot with DS don't get me wrong, but when I -need- him this is unhelpful and ends in fights.

DS is more aware of us now, so this morning had an hour and half scream because he wouldn't settle for sleep. That's getting to me on 5 hours sleep, not knowing what to do with him, I cant function. I'm struggling to sleep at night so the extra hour in the day was nice.

I guess I'm organised, I like to know what I can do to fix something or help and I like to have control over depression. Now I've lost control over how I feel it's like never ending.

I mean today was ok, and then me and DH are clashing when he gets in. It's like his mood too fuels me? If he's angry I'm angry back.. if he's pissy it makes me frustrated because I'm trying to be positive and strong.

@NellMangel

I guess a form of self harm is one thing I can identify with. I like to have total control over my eating. Mentally beat myself up if I eat too much.. control calories. I've been losing weight to try make myself feel better? Get confidence back? I had hyperemesis gravidarum with DS I felt so crap I couldn't even eat the right things for him. It's like im punishing myself now.

My HV is coming next week to introduce me to a play lady who holds groups because I said I'm struggling missing groups and being alone (hardly any baby stuff on where I live). Maybe if she asks I'll say or I could text her?

I'm wondering if she'll just advise a Drs trip? I told my mum and she said she'd look after DS if I go.