Please tell me it gets easier, or better

[StillGreenStrawberries]

I don’t really know what I’m looking for here, some advice, or just a bit of reassurance. There isn’t anyone in real life to admit to that I’m struggling.

I had DS four weeks ago. DH is in the forces, and when we last moved nine months ago, I didn’t really make friends. I started a new job halfway through my pregnancy, so didn’t really get to know my new colleagues well enough to form relationships. I’m really struggling. I feel incredibly isolated. Unless my parents or friends visit (four hour drive) DH is the only person I see. And I honestly think he’s sick of me. I put on a front of being happy, but honestly, I’m finding everything about having a newborn really difficult. My confidence has completely nose dived, I don’t see why anyone would really want to be friends with me anyway!

DS has had a cold since New Year’s Eve. He’s been screaming constantly for twelve days. I’m exhausted. The doctors just given him saline drops as that’s all they can really do. I’m exhausted. And where we don’t have anyone to look after him locally, I’m just not getting a break. I feel so guilty for feeling that way. I love him so much, he was(and is) so badly wanted. I hate myself for feeling like I need to leave him for a few hours. He deserves a lot better than what he’s getting with me as a mother. I chose not to breastfeed for selfish reasons, and stupid as it sounds, feel like he would have had a better chance of not ending up sick if I had.

DH doesn’t even want to touch me, and I don’t really blame him. My body is a complete mess, I’m still healing from an infection in my episiotomy wound, and I’m terrified to look at whatever car crash is down there.

I just need help. DH has been diagnosed with mild depression today, is really struggling at work, and I feel like he needs me to be the strong one, I just don’t feel like I can be. I’ve signed up for groups, looked online for a sitter, but the groups don’t start for a few weeks I know there’s no garuntee of me even making a friend there.

I just really need to hear it gets better. Even if DS wasn’t unwell I feel like I could cope better. I just feel pathetic. DH and DS deserve a lot better than me. I want to be ever to give that to them. If I’m honest, I’ve locked myself in the toilet to have a good cry and write all this. I just feel crap. I knew there would be no support system in place, but I was still stupid enough to think I could cope with starting a family being virtually alone.

I’m sorry, that’s long as well as embarrassing I hope this is the best place for this. I wasn’t sure where to post.

Seriously please don’t worry about it being a long post. You sound like you need to talk. Being honest about how hard it is is so so important.

You sound very down and isolated. That’s not good for anyone but with a newborn baby it’s hell.

All I can say is please talk to people in real life. Are there health visitors or midwives that check up on new mums where you are? If so these people would be my first port of call. There is no shame in saying you’re struggling. They may be able to offer advice or refer you for counselling or just put you in touch with other mums or local baby groups etc.

Honestly I struggled so much in the early days with both of mine. Nothing prepares you for it. It was honestly the loneliest time in my life. I found the whole baby phase very hard going.

Good news is that they are 10 and 6 now and yes I can tell you it 100% gets easier. Sometimes all of a sudden like when your ds is over his cold, sometimes slowly as they develop and you learn new techniques to calm them. Some babies are just hard work and it’s exhausting. You aren’t alone in feeling like this x

Oh and we were really isolated with no family or support net work. It’s really important when you do feel up to it to make your own support network. Just people to talk to, I met some lovely mums on here just being able to email people and let them know how I was feeling was such a relief. Knowing I wasn’t alone. I also went to every single stay and play group going, more for my benefit than the babies but just to get out and feel like I was doing something, getting a change of scenery and actually interacting with adults.

I remember feeling like this with my first child. I then had really severe antenatal anxiety and depression with my second which continued for a while after his birth. If you are a bit depressed (and it sounds like you are) it can be soooo hard to push yourself into socialising, but it's a vicious cycle. You have to force yourself out.

See if there is a local children's centre /library/church running a baby group. Go to baby clinic and ask the health visitors if they know of anything in your area. Ask your doctor for antidepressants if you feel you need them. I'm on them now after 2 years of feeling like shit and it's the smartest thing I ever did!

Try not to worry about your DH being a bit distant. It is most likely a symptom of his own depression. Just try and be there emotionally for one another for now and give it time.

Finally, you are not a bad mum or wife. If you were you wouldn't be here asking for help!

Thank you both so much for replying.

I do feel really isolated. DH has said he feels that way too on my behalf, he worries about the lack of friends I have in this town. I wasn’t as bothered when I was working, it didn’t seem like a big deal. It’s not through lack of trying. I’ve booked in on baby groups further affield because of it. It’s just not a friendly area. We’re due a new posting any day too so that’ll mean starting all over again this year. I feel silly being upset by this, as I’ve managed it perfectly well a few times before!

We have really poor HV and MW provision here. The HV still hasn’t been for his ten day check up due to it being so stretched and under staffed I’ve left messages but I’m still waiting for someone to get back to me.

Honestly I’m desperate to socialise. I fuss it’s just waiting a couple more weeks till groups start and trying to get through it DS is currently sneezing and squealing on my lap and I feel so close to the end of my tether. It’s not his fault he’s unwell. But I just don’t know what to do so we both get some sleep.

I read your post today and it’s very much the same way with me, I don’t have any advice for you unfortunately as I am struggling myself I have 3 kids aged 5,2,and 6month, I have had a really difficult few years with depression but never admitted it to anyone or to myself for that matter, only this last year everything has been going downhill for me, my little boy has been in intensive care in life support for two weeks, he is home now but very fussy and nothing calms him, I probably get about 2/3hour sleep at night all broken in 20/30min intervals. I can not nap during the day due to my toddler and older son, I have no family and no friends as over the years I lost contact with the couple of friends I had met at uni, I feel incredibly isolated and lonely as my husband works 12 hour shifts and doesn’t get a day off in weeks. I get no adult company and the only people I see are my kids, I do not get out of the house unless it’s for a appointment for the kids, I recently found out that am pregnant again and this completely has made things worse for me, I was on birth control and was exclusively breastfeeding and did not expect to get pregnant. In fact I had a appointment booked to get a iud fitted, every since my pregnancy I have crashed downhill and am currently at my worst emotional hand mentally than I have ever been. I feel like I got nobody to talk to and I just don’t know how I will cope with having 4jids under 5 when the baby is due, I do everything on my own and never get any help or a break. The only family I have are my in laws but they only visit once or twice a year not even for the kids birthdays or anything. I broke down last time I went to see my Hv to get my boy weighed, she has booked me in for a home visit in two weeks. And as the days go by I feel more and more depressed. I usually go upstairs with the kids when it is their bedtime. I can not fall asleep even though am extreme exhausted. I cry most days and feel like crap everyday. I feel like I’ve lost myself and am not the happy person I used to be. I feel guilty as I just don’t have the energy to interact with my kids and don’t enjoy them as I should do, everything is getting worse day by day and am dreading this baby being born I am not excited about the pregnancy and this makes me feel awful. Sorry to rant on like this. I wish I had advice for you but be strong and talk to someone anyone, where about do you live as maybe someone on here may lives locally to you.

Mum don’t apologise! I completely get it. I do think the frequently broken sleep makes it worse. I’m amazed you manage with 3 under 5. I’m sorry you’re not excited about your pregnancy, without wanting to sound awful, are you sure you want to continue with it? Does your DH/DP know how you feel?

I also think you’re amazing to have been brave enough to speak to your HV. I really hope they can support you.

Maybe we can both support each other through this encourage each other to get out and meet some people.

I never would’ve imagined or thought I could have a termination but as things were at the time and my husband working long hours with no support we thought the best thing would be to just focus on the 3 kids, it took me a while and many nights of crying to book a appointment with bpas I had to wait 3 weeks for a appointment as this was before Christmas when I did go to the clinic and had a scan they told me I was over 12 weeks and I could only have a surgical termination, this also meant having to wait a further few weeks to get a appointment as it was by the Christmas holidays, I walked away from the clinic that day knowing I could not do this to my baby or to myself. As I knew that I would never get over it or forgive myself for it. Had I only been 4/5weeks pregnant it maybe would’ve been easier to cope with a termination. I am now 16 weeks and only got a booking appointment this week, I have had no pre natal Care or scans yet. I do not feel like I can tell my husband exactly what’s on my mind most of the time as it will just stress him out and I honestly just feel like a disappointment to him, I often go upstairs to cry for a while or wait till the kids go to sleep as I do not want my kids to see me cry, I am so glad that I feel I can talk to someone about this now as I have so much bottled up inside. Also I recently discovered a app ‘social mums’ this is a great app as you can find local mums to you and join in the conversations and arrange a coffee with mums who you meet on the app. I joined this app a week ago and just reading the conversations helps a little I have yet got to meet someone local to me but maybe this is something you would benefit from too xxx

It does get better @StillGreenStrawberries the first 6-8 weeks I would say are really really tough!!! No one tells you about that part but I promise it does get better. My little girl is 3 months today and although I still get really down days I feel like I'm over the worst... now we have a bit more of a routine it really helps. I felt so low and trapped and I still do sometimes and I realise after speaking to others it's completely normal so please don't beat yourself up about it your not a bad mother at all! What I find help is getting up and getting a shower putting my make up on and getting dressed just after Iv fed her so she's settled... even if we haven't planned on going anywhere it just helps with my mood. Also I know you have got any friends around you which must be really difficult but try and make the effort to go out for a walk even if it's every other day for 10-15 minutes or even just to the shop and back it does help. Joining a baby group is also a good start to meet mums in your area :) hope you feel better soon xx