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Original poster

Obsessed MIL

81 replies

vichu · 03/01/2018 16:57

I know this is an old topic discussed off and on every where. But I am getting very frustrated and want to get it off my chest. I just had a baby 2 weeks ago. Both my mom and mil are staying with us to help us with the baby. Actually my mil invited herself over because I had initially invited only my mom. It is not that I did not want mil nearby for the birth of her grandson. It is just that since the pregnancy announcement, it has been all about the grand child with her. I usually don't mind it. But my delivery was not one of those times that I could tolerate her obsession. Since the birth she has been spending her entire energy to be with my baby. I know she loves her grand child. But I am not getting my space to interact with my baby. She is always there by my side watching the baby. Even when I am feeding him, she sits in a chair nearby peering directly at my breasts to see if he is drinking fine. That pisses me off real hard. The moment he finishes drinking, he usually falls asleep, but she insists on carrying him on her shoulders until he sleeps which he'd have already done. And the moment she holds him he wakes up and starts screaming his head off and won't go back to sleep until I feed him again and the routine continues. I really want to run away somewhere far away from her for atleast a day to have some alone time with my baby.
My milk has also not started coming fully. I know this and I have been supplementing with formula from day 1. The doctor has asked me to continue to breastfeed even when using formula and to gradually decrease the formula when breastmilk is sufficient. My MIL keeps insisting on more and more formula even when I want to feed him and listening to her say my breastmilk is insufficient 50 times a day everyday sent me into feeling unworthy and into a complete breakdown today. Am I over reacting here? I do need help with the baby but I feel suffocated here.

OP posts:
NomsQualityStreets · 03/01/2018 20:50

What do you mean there's tears if you don't let her hold your baby op?

As in she sulks away or she actually bursts out into sobs?
I understand it must be hard for her with the bereavement but this is broaching on emotional manipulation and you need to tackle it now or there will be issues in the future.

rollingonariver · 03/01/2018 20:54

You need to tell her to leave. Stop thinking about her feelings when she's not respecting yours.
You will remember this time after having your baby badly and it will ruin everything. It will ruin the bond you have with your baby for the rest of their life, it's serious stuff and you need to stand up for yourself.

mamas12 · 03/01/2018 21:30

I really feel for you
You need to speak to your midwife/health visitor tommorrow at her next home visit then call your dh in and discuss ways to make this better fir you all
You are in danger of developing pnd and your priority is to yourself then Your baby and your dh priority is to you your baby and then his mother
Try to find some support in her area where she could go and get some counselling

Original poster
vichu · 03/01/2018 23:52

Thank you ladies for being understanding. I had a complete meltdown yesterday night and talked to my DH. He is right now speaking to both our moms. I think I can manage on my own with my baby even if it is still scary. It has to be better than all this worrying and frustration. I hope everything turns out for the best. I have already talked to my DM. She also suggested that both of them leave together so that MIL wouldn't make a fuss to leave. She keeps saying that I will be able to manage without her help. I can only hope so.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 03/01/2018 23:56

Of coarse you can manage!

Sit down and chill out - the kitchen doesn't need cleaning floors don't need sweeping -

All you need to do is feed and change the baby - and drink lots of tea and eat cake - have the remote handy and the phone and enjoy!

Changeusername · 04/01/2018 07:10

Well done vichu. That was good of your mum to offer to leave also. She obviously realises the stress its putting you under.

How did your mil take it?

DotCottonDotCom · 04/01/2018 07:19

If I say no to her carrying the baby it usually ends in tears and I end up feeling more guilty

Holy shit nip this in the bed now! What kind of woman is she to do this to someone postnatally? Or ever? Why cry?

DotCottonDotCom · 04/01/2018 07:19

*bud not bed

SilenceIsBroken · 04/01/2018 07:24

You will manage. What's more, you will love the space and peace that will allow you to bond with your baby.

I know people go on about this but it's so true: whIle these early days are a bit topsy turvy they are so precious. Soon you'll have a robust, squawking baby who'll wriggle out of your arms. Cuddle and enjoy your tiny baby!

SilenceIsBroken · 04/01/2018 07:27

"If I say no to her carrying the baby it usually ends in tears and I end up feeling more guilty"

Yeah that is batshit. Not the kind of person you want staying with you at this point. Or ever, tbh...

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 04/01/2018 07:27

Ugh fuck that. You don't get this time back! Hope you got shot of her. Either that or go home with your DM!

Bobbiepin · 04/01/2018 07:31

Glad to hear OP, its very important to establish boundaries early on or it'll only get worse. Cherish this time, get feeding sorted and enjoy having tiny baby snuggles. My DD is 10 weeks and she doesn't curl up on my chest any more. You'll do just fine.

AnnaT45 · 04/01/2018 07:35

OP I'm so sorry for this, it must be really difficult for you. Well done for telling DH.

Please don't worry about coping. All you have to do is sit, feed and cuddle your baby. Get the mums to do a food shop and cook some things that can go in the freezer. Don't worry about a clean house it doesn't matter for now.

Im sure once you're with your baby on your own your milk supply will improve drastically. You need close contact to help that and it doesn't sound like you're getting it. Good luck

AnnaT45 · 04/01/2018 07:35

I mean mums do that before they go! Then tell them you're all good and you'll see them soon!

LoveProsecco · 04/01/2018 07:54

How did the the talk go? I hope they are leaving today.

Completely agree with others it may seem scary but this time for you & DH to bond is so important. Your baby will never be this cute and tiny again. Just focus on cuddles, rest and feeding Thanks

SparklyUnicornTractors · 04/01/2018 14:52

Very well done getting it all out to DH. Flowers You will manage fine, really.

Grammarist · 05/01/2018 01:23

Hope it all went well, OP and that you're snuggled up happily with your baby and with no mad MIL!!!

DameGlitterSparkles · 05/01/2018 10:33

Wow. Threads like this make me glad that my PIL (now NC) were selfish bastards and couldn't have given two fucks about my baby tbh. Actually they saw her the day she was born then not until three months later when me and DH got back together after separating. Thank FUCK I'd have killed her for behaving like this!

Psychobabble123 · 05/01/2018 10:41

She needs to leave, today. No ifs or buts. Tell DH to tell her and make the arrangements.

iamawoman · 05/01/2018 10:49

Do you have a health visitor or midwife - say that you have been advised to take yourself to bed for next two weeks to up supply - or just start spending more time in your bed bf lying down. It can take a good few months for baby to get supply established and no one ahould be taking baby away from you in that time - read about 4th trimester - Baby needs mummy only . You need to nip it in the bud as she is trying to establish herself as mum also - listen to all the women who say that their mil / own mother ruined their newborn experience or contributed to developing pnd - grandparents should be there to support you ie washing cooking cleaning so that you can devote your time bonding. How much longer is she staying?

iamawoman · 05/01/2018 10:55

Just saw your post and hopefully they have left - everyone feels like they cant cope alone at first - its hard adjusting to those feelings of having someone dependent on you 24/7 and tiredness can impact on those feelings - but babies really are easy to care for as long as they are loved cuddled / fed / kept clean then you are doing a great job. Hope it goes well

Hissy · 05/01/2018 10:58

Your mum is a star! hope that they have both gone now so you can get on with loving your little one.

of course you can do it my dear! you'll be fine - and you have MN too, so we can help!

Original poster
vichu · 07/01/2018 15:59

Thank you ladies for your kind comments. DM and MIL left the same day. There was a little tears and a little blame but DH managed to keep me out of everything. MIL is going to stay with her sister for a few days. DM has packed my fridge with food for atleast the next week or so. I have been trying to manage on my own for the past couple of days. My house is in complete disarray. I managed to keep only my baby's things and his area clean. I do wish my DM were here to help with the cleaning until I recover a little more. But I can't believe how much I am feeling relieved to be able to spend so much time with my baby. He is indeed drinking contentedly now. Had a visit from MW this morning and she said my baby was in the ideal weight range and I could try stopping formula for a few days. I do cry without any reason during the day but it is a huge weight off of my shoulders to not have someone watching and commenting on everything I do. My DH is taking a week off work. I really hope things get back to normal. Fingers crossed.

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 07/01/2018 16:09

Well done vichu Flowers and don’t stress about the tidying.

BewareOfDragons · 07/01/2018 16:12

Well done to you and your DH.

I'm sure things will be just fine in no time. xx

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