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Original poster

Obsessed MIL

81 replies

vichu · 03/01/2018 16:57

I know this is an old topic discussed off and on every where. But I am getting very frustrated and want to get it off my chest. I just had a baby 2 weeks ago. Both my mom and mil are staying with us to help us with the baby. Actually my mil invited herself over because I had initially invited only my mom. It is not that I did not want mil nearby for the birth of her grandson. It is just that since the pregnancy announcement, it has been all about the grand child with her. I usually don't mind it. But my delivery was not one of those times that I could tolerate her obsession. Since the birth she has been spending her entire energy to be with my baby. I know she loves her grand child. But I am not getting my space to interact with my baby. She is always there by my side watching the baby. Even when I am feeding him, she sits in a chair nearby peering directly at my breasts to see if he is drinking fine. That pisses me off real hard. The moment he finishes drinking, he usually falls asleep, but she insists on carrying him on her shoulders until he sleeps which he'd have already done. And the moment she holds him he wakes up and starts screaming his head off and won't go back to sleep until I feed him again and the routine continues. I really want to run away somewhere far away from her for atleast a day to have some alone time with my baby.
My milk has also not started coming fully. I know this and I have been supplementing with formula from day 1. The doctor has asked me to continue to breastfeed even when using formula and to gradually decrease the formula when breastmilk is sufficient. My MIL keeps insisting on more and more formula even when I want to feed him and listening to her say my breastmilk is insufficient 50 times a day everyday sent me into feeling unworthy and into a complete breakdown today. Am I over reacting here? I do need help with the baby but I feel suffocated here.

OP posts:
Original poster
vichu · 03/01/2018 18:45

My DM is the only person who can distract MIL so that I can spend some more time with my baby. My MIL has been recently widowed and my DH is her only son. She thinks my baby is a reincarnation of her DH. I know this is wierd. I have been trying to be understanding of her situation even if I dont understand her intentions. My milk supply has indeed been increasing. I even have leakage. The only problem is making my MIL see sense .

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 03/01/2018 18:50

What does she do if you say no to her and don't let her take the baby?

AnnaMagnani · 03/01/2018 18:51

Your MIL has to go. You should be sitting about skin to skin with your boobs out, undisturbed with your baby.

Somehow, between your DM and your DH, she has to go.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 03/01/2018 18:52

Have you talked to your DH about it? It must be a bittersweet time for them with their bereavement but you can't facilitate her obsession. Perhaps it would help to firmly give both mums a departure date. MIL can't be expecting to stay indefinitely!

seven201 · 03/01/2018 18:56

I hated it when I had visitors just for an hour or so for the first month or so, so I would no way have been able to cope with MIL full time! To help your milk you need the baby to spend lots of time snuggled up to you. Send your mum and mil home. Get your dh to do it. You can't get this time back again. She's meant to be there to help but instead she's making it worse. Do not put up with it!

Original poster
vichu · 03/01/2018 19:48

If I say no to her carrying the baby it usually ends in tears and I end up feeling more guilty. DH is also confused on how to react right now. He wants to be there for his mom and also wants to support me. The only relief right now is my DM is trying to handle MIL so that I can spend some more time with my baby. DM is keeping MIL occupied. Hopefully this does not continue for the rest of their trip.

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 03/01/2018 19:51

My DM is the only person who can distract MIL so that I can spend some more time with my baby

Tell them both to go home.

RubyGoat · 03/01/2018 20:00

Oh that sounds like a dreadfully difficult situation. Your poor MIL. BUT... she needs to grieve over the loss of her DH - by obsessing over your baby she isn't dealing with her grief, she's putting off the grieving process in an unhealthy way. I agree with PPs, suspect that the most tactful way to get her to go, for your own MH needs, as well as to get her to get on with her own life, is to agree a date for both MIL & DM to leave. If you want to arrange for your own DM to support you later - that's a separate matter & it doesn't need to be mentioned in front of her.

If your DH can't see the impact on you, perhaps you can persuade him about the grieving aspect. Has he actually said anything about her behaviour?

RubyGoat · 03/01/2018 20:04

Ah sorry x-post. Your DH needs to talk to his MIL & explain to her that you need contact with the baby in order to establish better feeding.

Lou573 · 03/01/2018 20:05

OP, you'll regret it down the line if you don't get this time with your baby now. Trust me, I'm still angry at my mil's intrusions two years later and it's really harmed our relationship.

chickennuggetsandicecream · 03/01/2018 20:05

I feel your pain same with my MIL although I'm not breastfeeding she wants control over her granddaughter. We even had to spend exactly the same amount of time with her at Christmas as I did my family as she was acting like a child and didn't think it was fair if we did an extra day at my dads (roll eyes) anyway she constantly wants to come down and stay and invited herself down days after I had given birth (I wanted to be lady alone to heal but she wanted to go out and shop last thing on my mind) she's obsessed that my daughter is always dressed in pink. Also when we were over would pick her up and cuddle her whenever she made a small noise saying she was crying and stopped her self settling which up to that stay with her my DD was doing really well #routineoutthewindow (roll eyes again) constantly wanted to cuddle her and my DD had bad eczema with with the heat of constantly being cuddled isn't good. She insisted on feeding my daughter who gets bad trapped wind she will bring it up but can take 20 min of winding anyway I told her than when feeding her to always keep the teat full of milk and try not to let her swallow any air and behold she watched tv and loads of air was swallowed followed by an hour of screaming from my DD. I get how you feel 100% but there is a benefit in being honest speak to your other half tell him how you feel and speak to the MIL if she goes to pick up your baby after his feed just say no he is your little one and you know best ! It may sound harsh to her but at the end of the day it's you who has to live with an unsettled baby. MIL also thought it was unfair that I had my Mum around more but that's the point she's my Mum someone who I feel comfortable with and can tell her I need some space and her not get offended. Good luck and congratulations on your little one x

Changeusername · 03/01/2018 20:06

Yup. Send them both home op. Thank her for her help and arrange a day for her to come round visit.

Then take your baby. Some movies n chill in ur room skin to skin. Get ur self as comfortable as possible. I.e. boobs out and she wont be long in getting the message.

Grammarist · 03/01/2018 20:08

Get then to both go home, honey. You should be curled up in bed/on the sofa with YOUR baby and feeding on demand. She's had her time to be a Mum, this is YOUR TIME XXX

stiffstink · 03/01/2018 20:09

Fucking hell, I've got a migraine just reading that. How long is she staying?

You are a saint to have not flipped your lid but you (or your DH) need to get rid of her. I was in a slightly similar situation in that I had queues of visitors in and out for weeks with a tongue tied baby and it ruined any chances of successful BFing. I suspect I also had PND which wasn't helped by the constant knocks on the door.

StylishMummy · 03/01/2018 20:12

This is time with your baby that you'll never get back, newborns grow so quickly. Your DH needs to speak to his mum and tell her you need some space, it's not fair how she's encroaching on your time with your child

Soulcakequack · 03/01/2018 20:13

You need more space to bond and nurse. My mil wasn’t as present as yours but she was an issue. Her behaviour was very unkind to me and she wouldn’t allow me much time and space with my new born.

My amazing health visitor spoke to my husband and supported him to get some boundaries with his Mum. (She was upset but I was in full blown post natal anxiety a lot which was linked to mil repeatly talk my baby.) I hope you have similar support as this needs to chance ASAP x

DunedinGirl · 03/01/2018 20:14

I'm not aure why the OP's mum should have to go home too, if she's helping out. Your husband needs to step up here. You've got a new baby. You need to establish feeding. He needs to have a word with his mum.

GreenTulips · 03/01/2018 20:14

Wow! You should get a knighthood get rid and quick

What time you spend with your mum is your business - does she dictate which friends come and monitor their 'time'

Tell her to go before you go insane

Changeusername · 03/01/2018 20:18

Its a pain in the arse isnt it stiff . I know people mean well and are just excited and happy to meet your new arrival. I told my mum about no visitors rule for 2 weeks if there is a next time as its so overwhelming. My mum said I was being selfish and ungrateful.

Wispygypsy · 03/01/2018 20:19

I could echo Lou573. You will never get these days back. Get her out. Ask your mum to leave too and enjoy some time with just you, dh and your little one.

shushpenfold · 03/01/2018 20:23

Vichu you’re a saint. I’m not sure how you’ve kept your temper so far but you need to ask your DH to send his dm away and if he won’t, you need to lose your cool and start to really put your foot down....either will likely lead to her leaving OR to a far better relationship. This is your baby and you need to lay down your ground rules for your baby now. Do not delay any longer. Xxxx

AssassinatedBeauty · 03/01/2018 20:23

Goodness if there are tears because you say no to her then that's really not right. Her belief about your baby is really hindering her from properly grieving and obviously interfering with you and your baby.

I think DH needs to sort this out, and think about how he can help his mother grieve without it impacting on you.

RainbowWish · 03/01/2018 20:26

Please please don't feel guilty for saying no.
It is so important you and DH get time to bond and learn about your new little person.
While mil may be griving she came here to help and she is not.
I would politely say you are finding her a little suffocating and while you appreciate the help and support you need feedin time to be you and baby only (and/or dh) to find your routine.
Also talking helps hv are a great source told listen too also. Good luck.

EssentialHummus · 03/01/2018 20:31

I would also say that unless there are specific issues, the whole topping up with formula often makes things worse. If you want to combination feed then choose a specific feed to replace with formula so your body has a routine. I made this mistake with DS and the lack of consistency wrecked my supply. with DD we replaced 1 feed a day with formula at first and my supply adapted really well whilst giving me the advantages of having a break.

I agree with this actually.

And on the main point - what everyone else said! Is MIL from a different culture where this level of involvement is more acceptable? And where is your husband in all this? If all else fails I'd be letting everyone know that your MW/doctor/lactation consultant said that you and baby need plenty of uninterrupted time alone, so no more visitors for now.

Congratulations on your birth Flowers.

meandmytinfoilhat · 03/01/2018 20:49

You don't need to hand baby over just because she says so. Say no and go into your bedroom/nursery and sit with your son.

Tell her to stop commenting on breastfeeding.

Tell her to leave.

That would do my nut in OP, I don't know how you've not kicked her out yet.

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