Pnd bringing up weird feelings about ex-bf

[whyoh]

Very long and doesn't make a lot of sense tbh. First of all I'm happily married and I know this is the moony reflective part of depression I sometimes get, but I'm utterly racked with guilt and I can't shake it/make myself feel any better no matter how little and illogical it is.

Basically I've been suffering with pnd and one of the things I've done when in a bit spiral is find my first serious bf's Facebook. No idea why but I can imagine a grass is always greener scenario.

Not to dripfeed it was a horrific relationship. We were too young, there was drug use (his side), violence (both sides), emotional abuse (both sides). I look back now with sadness on the whole thing but a realisation that we were quite simply "wrong" and brought out each other's worst qualities.

In my digging I discovered he ended up in prison and it now seems, sorted his life our fairly ok. He has a gf who has a daughter she doesn't appear to live or see much, she's also declared on her fb she doesn't want anymore kids.

I've deactivated my Facebook so I stop prying/being a weird voyeur. I realise it's not healthy and whatever I think it's not going to be helpful, relevant or the full picture.

But when I was with him we ended up getting pregnant by accident. Conform split and at 17 i decided to get an abortion. We had discussed it prior to sleeping together but i don't remember the conversation we had when it happened. He was supportive to me then and looked after me. It's not a decision I made lightly nor one I've ever regretted till now.

I realise that continuing would have set my life on a very different course, I wouldn't have met my husband nor had my children o adore. But I know this ex has always desperately wanted to be a dad and, by the sounds of it he may never get to be one and all I can think is I have potentially taken that only chance away from him.

I KNOW it would have been bad, he would probably have ended up having nothing to do with the child, he certainly hasn't had a great track record and we would have been connected for life. But I can shake the feeling of sadness.

I don't even think I'm looking for advice but it's certainly not a feeling I can speak to my husband about. We've spoken in the past about what occurred and although he supports me, it's not something he would ever get behind if it was him in that position.

All I can think is maybe my mental state is creating conflict and "unfinished business" which really doesn't need to be dealt with. Maybe trying to sabotage myself. I'm not sure but I'm just left feeling horrible sad and guilty about something that happened almost 20 years ago.

When we think of exes we also think of ourselves younger and less tied down with full trappings of family life.

Certainly makes a lot of sense. One big trigger for me is the inability to go on a night out. My husband is great but thinks it's a silly frivolous thing in some respect, he's not confident bring left with the kids by himself at night (tbh I'm not really either, they wake up constantly) and that certainly ties in as well.

Hello, I just wanted to say that when we are depressed we tend to ruminate a lot. Just remember it is a symptom of the depression and not a reflection of reality. I think it's a really strong and healthy thing you did to deactivate your account. The less temptation you have to keep reflecting the better, so you can stay focused in the here and now on all the wonderful things you do have in your life - like your children and husband. Finally, you HAVE NOT taken away his chance at being a dad. You are not responsible for him. He has made his own choices since you split, as have you. He has had, and still has, the choice to have children, whether with his current partner or someone else. You were not put on this earth to make him a dad. When you get bogged down in those feelings remind yourself again this is just the depression talking - it makes you feel guilty and responsible and look at things with a skewed perspective. Have you tried CBT? Counselling is good but sometimes I can find it a bit too reflective and repetitive - regurgitating the past can only help so much and actually I feel gets to a point where it doesn't help you move beyond it. CBT helps by teaching you strategies to look at your thoughts objectively and stay focused on the hear and now and the future you want.