Desperate for reassurance

[Gazzio1980]

Hi

I'm new, but I'm hoping for some advice/reassurance. I conceived via IVF and am now 16 weeks pregnant. We'd be trying for two years, so it was very much planned and wanted. However, the second we got the positive result, instead of feeling over the moon I was terrified and thought 'what have we done'. Severe insomnia kicked in at the same time and I've been averaging 2/3 hours a night for the last 3 months. I ignored how I felt for a few weeks, but we were scanned at 6 and 9 weeks and I felt nothing. At the 12 weeks scan I cried because I was desperately hoping nature would have intervened and 'saved' me from the pregnancy. I was having some very dark thoughts about ending things or sabotaging the pregnancy. I hated myself for feeling this way (this was supposed to be our miracle baby!!) so I managed to get in touch with the local perinatal mental health team. They've been great and come to the house once a week. They also recommended me to a psychiatrist who strongly advised I start antidepressants. After lots of soul searching I started Sertraline (Zoloft) but I'm very sensitive to SSRIs, so I've had a really rough time. My question is this, I'm having a few more good days since I started the tablets, but it's not changed my attitude to the baby. I'm still indifferent to it/terrified of it and resentful of the changes to my body. Have any of you been through this and genuinely turned a corner? What if the tablets sort my depression but don't change my attitude to the pregnancy?? I'm terrified of ending up with a baby I can't live.

Also, can anyone give me some words of encouragement about sertraline? I'm having to increase my dose very, very slowly (due to previous bad reaction), and the patterns seems to be that I'm 'high' for a couple of days and then I plunge back into the depths again. My husband is trying his very best, but he is so confused by my U-turn and feels helpless. Thanks in advance. x

My DD went through the same thing. Her whole attitude to her pregnancy and to life in general changed for the worse; in fact I would go so far as to say her whole personality changed. She did not get out of bed for about 4 months. It was a desperate time for us all. Interestingly she too had struggled to become pregnant, although in the end conceived naturally.

Now - here is the good news! It passed off - really it did, as the pregnancy progressed. And this, I gather, is often the pattern with ante-natal depression. And once the baby was born all was well.

This only happened in one of her two pregnancies, so that is reassuring too.

Take all the help you can get; work up the meds very slowly and I am sure that you too will turn a corner. We had given up hope of her getting better, in the same way that you are now feeling desperate - but she did get better and so will you. Some people react badly to the sudden hormone surge of pregnancy, but the body gets used to it eventually.

Take heart - all will be well.

Thank you @mishappening, I really appreciate the reply. These hormones are truly terrifying. I've never been suicidal before in my life, so it's all very scary and I've been paranoid I'd end up sectioned. Thanks for sharing your daughter's story. I'm very glad she recovered. It gives me hope x

I am glad of that - there truly is hope. It WILL pass. But take all the help you can get. Remember this is an illness caused by hormonal changes and you will get better. Please take care - I do now how very awful this is.

Slightly different but I'm on day 7 of seetaline and quite literally just spent the past two hours crying to my husband and Mum that I'm terrified it might cure the PND but that I still won't bond with my daughter.

I haven't turned the corner yet but logically know this is the depression talking.

It's reassuring (although I'm sorry you're going through it!) to hear of your first week as mine has been identical. Few good days which made me think briefly things would be ok, but then bad inbetween. I hope in a few weeks we will both feel better. Hang on in there X

@goawaybabyblues I'm sorry, but I've only just seen your message. I'm now a few months in to the Sertraline and although it took some tweaking to get the dose right, I'm now SO much better. I'm feeling positive about the pregnancy, I can cope, I want to get our of bed...I can even laugh. Stick with it. I spent hours trawling the internet looking for 'sertraline antenatal depression success stories' and I was convinced I would never recover. I was suicidal at my lowest. I hope you see this message and are reassured that there is light at the end of the tunnel, because I promise you there is. x