I've been depressed for years because of not having a proper career or even having a reliable income. I was on a zero-hour-contract that was so poorly paid and unreliable that I couldn't afford to live, and I tried repeatedly but had no success in securing a better job. The only way I survived is because I met OH, who has a well paid job and owns a house. I do genuinely love OH but it wasn't how I wanted to end up, as a failure in a dead end job being supported by someone else.
Everything was fine until OH started pressuring me to have a baby. I wanted to remain child-free, but OH said if I didn't want a baby he'd end the relationship and find someone who wanted the same things as he did. I didn't want to lose him, plus if he put me out of his house I had nowhere else to go and couldn't cope financially on my own, so I agreed to try for a baby in the hope that I was too old at 39 to get pregnant. I figured I'd fail to get pregnant for a few years, then I'd be past it and I'd still have a roof over my head. When the test was positive after only a couple of months I cried for days.
As soon as I told my employer I was pregnant they were "no longer able to offer me any hours because of reduced staffing requirements this year". I'm therefore not entitled to any maternity pay, not even statutory pay from the government. OH has to support me and I feel incredibly guilty. I don't have a single penny that's my own, and I feel guilty spending OH's money, so I do without and don't buy anything except the bare essentials. That in itself makes life miserable.
I thought having a baby would be the lesser of two evils compared to being homeless and alone, but I'm increasingly depressed. My body was the only good thing I had left in my life and it's being destroyed with stretch marks and scabs and pain. My failure to have a well paid career before pregnancy means I have no money now and nothing to go back to afterwards, so I'll be trapped at home because I have no way to earn enough to cover childcare.
I'm sinking deeper into depression and feeling that there's no way out. My options are either a miserable life as a SAHM looking after a child I don't want and having no money of my own, or I've actually considered just handing the baby to OH and walking away with nowhere to go. I'm so afraid of the latter that I've had dark moments where I've considered a third option: waiting till the baby is born and just slitting my wrists.