So scared really really low

[Adoremygirls319]

Hi,

Not entirely sure why I'm posting , I just need to write this all down and I guess see if anyone can let me know I'm not completely alone.

I had my beautiful 3rd daughter 10 weeks ago, had a traumatic birth with my 2nd, begged for a section with my 3rd, was refused and had another hideous birth this time round which involved another fracture to the bottom of my coccyx , her getting stuck and coming out not breathing , I wasn't able to hold her they obviously had to take her , they took her up to special baby care after she started breathing as they needed to get antibiotics into her as I had GBS and didn't have time for them in labour. So I was in the delivery room on my own terrified my baby was poorly. I was in such a state too as she was over 11lb. ANYWAY . I think I this has all added slightly to how I feel as I just feel traumatised by the labour/ have nightmares about her being blue not moving etc :( but it for worse as I wanted to breastfeed her, which I did, despite the fact she constantly fussed, for 6 weeks, until I started to feel really poorly... long story short I had mastitis which I had left, which developed into sepsis meaning I had to be rushed to hospital and stayed there for 3 days away from my babies. I chose reluctantly and after so many breakdowns to give up feeding then and introduce the bottle and formula. I still feel such a failure about this... every time I see a lady breastfeeding like I desperately wanted to do I breakdown. It is not helped by the fact my baby Is still incredibly fussy... sometimes will feed, sometimes it will take over a hour to get a oz into her ! I think this is where my potential depression / anxiety sets in. I'm OBSESSED with her feeding. If she doesn't fees I feel like a can't leave the house, I feel distraught, irrational, just so so down. I know I'm rambling. Sorry. I'm just really struggling. So much has happened. I feel like the WORST mum. I want to be there for my two older girls but I'm so consumed by sadness most of the time.

If you are still reading... Thank you. I have called a few PND helpline and it has been good to talk , they've advised to book a appointment with the gp... I know I should but am here. I just feel so alone. I know I should be grateful for my babies and I so am. I just want to shake myself and say get a grip but I'm just consumed by worry.

Anyway, thanks for reading... Sorry for going on.

You're not going on!
That sounds really traumatic and scary.
You are NOT the worst mum but you don't sound very well. You should make that appointment though. You deserve to feel better.

Oh bless you. Anyone would be feeling low after the time you have had.

First of all - a certain level of anxiety around a fussy feeder is normal, I think. But you have identified that it is tipping into obsession and so you do need to go and get help with that.

GPs are really really supportive of PND - there is lots and lots that can be done to help, it is so treatable and you absolutely shouldn't suffer in silence. Please pick up the phone to your GP now, between posts, and make an appointment.

Do you have much family support, how old are your other DDs? Does your DP do as much as he can, and have you shared how you're feeling?

My husband does alot with the kids when he's home but has made a few shit comments when I've been really low and crying to him I will say something like 'I'm really strugging' and he will say 'don't we all know it' or something along those lines. I know he must be fed up of me too but it just makes me feel even more alone and like I can't talk to him. My mum and dad are fantastic and help out alot on a practical level with school runs etc ( dd1 is 4 dd2 is 2) . The feeding is definitely a obsession. I feel sick in the lead up to a feed and tense, sometimes she will take it all (5oz) sometimes as I said like today it's over a hour for minimal amounts, I'm so scared to go out in case she doesn't feed and I breakdown in public. I know I do need to see doc really don't I. I'm just so scared he will think I'm not a capable parent . Thank you for your kind replies x

You have 3 children under 5 years old, and one is a newborn - and you've had a terrible time of it since birth. There is no GP who will think you are a "terrible parent". They really will be pleased to see you because it means they can help - and that is their job, to help people.

Glad to hear your DPs are supportive - could your mum OR DAD come with you to an appointment, or be on hand to help with the DC so you can concentrate a bit?

It's super stressful having a tiny baby - I'm sorry your DH seems frustrated and unsupportive sometimes. Some people cope better with other people being ill, and some people are terrible. As I am usually the capable calm one, my DH is useless when I am ill. I love him, but sometimes he can be more stress! Concentrate on yourself for a little bit now, and make that appointment.

random DAD caps there! Sorry about that

You ARE a capable parent. You're just feeling anxious. That's ok. You can get help with that. Don't let your brain trick you into thinking you should just get over it or you have no reason to feel like this. You do feel this way and you do deserve to feel better.
Can you call to make an appointment today?

Thanks you both so much. I will call doctor tomorrow, the thought of doing so makes me burst into tears but I really have to. I'm scared how quickly I've felt so bad. The reason I have been putting it off is like I said just fear. Feeding this little one has driven me into such a bad place, be it the guilt of giving up breastfeeding or her absolute fussiness now! Both my other two didn't love their milk but this is just another level

I struggled to breastfeed my first for 4 months. It drove me to the very edge. Good luck tomorrow.

Hey, i'm a first time mum and I struggled in the first 2 weeks with just one baby nevermind 3 under 5! I take my hat off to you, you are amazing to be raising 3 children. I tried breastfeeding for 2 weeks then gave up and went onto formula. That was my choice and i felt so guilty at first but at the end of the day it does not matter how you feed them! A happy baby is a fed baby. You tried to breastfeed and thats all you could do. You are not a failure. It is so frustrating when they don't feed properly, I have been there and for my little one it was due to reflux. Make sure you talk to your GP about all of this, get it all off your chest, cry if you need to, you will feel soooo much better and they will make you feel so much better too! That is what they're there for. You have been so brave to even recognise that you're feeling so low and even braver to admit it. I hope you're okay and feeling a little better for releasing all of this, but just remember you are amazing and your body and mind have been through amazing things, even if they weren't positive things. Give yourself some praise and give yourself a prep talk! And tell your hubby where to go, making comments like that. Men just have no idea what we have to go through!xx

You've been through so much and are achieving so much e

Stay posted too soon ...

With your little ones. I really hope you make the gp app. I felt so much better after talking to mine and the sooner you get help the sooner you can start feeling better X

Hi I haven't read the other comments and I know this was a while ago now but I was exactly the same around feeding, I desperately wanted to breastfeed but I gave up after a day because I felt so anxious, I really admire you for keeping going for so long, despite everything! My son was awful on the bottle and used to fuss with most feeds, refusing the bottle. I became obsessed with how much he had had and when, he was diagnosed with silent reflux, is this something that could be bothering your daughter? I then became obsessed with that and was constantly googling different things and trying different ways to help him. It was awful but it soon passed and he's 3.5 now! X