No milk

[AnnaL82]

Some of you will remember the thread(s) I opened about the end of my pregnancy. In summary, I chose to accept the suggestion of my parents to come back to give birth in my home country as I'm alone in my UK work town (DH 90 miles away with only 1 week paternity leave and some holidays), but the atmosphere has been heavy from the very beginning (DM unsatisfied of her life with knee problems, controlling and prone to order around and shout if everything isn't perfect as concentrated on "what people think" and on her and my body image; DF sick and tired of her behaviour and losing patience from time to time; DH of little help due to epilepsy and need to be preserved and stay calm).
For my own medical reasons I had a c-section in general anaesthesia. Baby is beautiful but I only saw him after several hours and have been unable to take care of him for 2-3 days due to physical inability. Nurses took him to me a few times but this wasn't enough for a proper attachment so he was supposed to be given artificial milk. On day 3 baby blues hit me like a train and couldn't stop crying, with DM shouting at me that there were people around and I was just being ridiculous. On day 4 I was supposed to be discharged but there was a last minute emergency in the paediatric wing so no doctor could sign the form and the one in night shift didn't feel like to take this responsibility at the last moment as DS had a 10% weight loss. Having to wait 12 hours to go home and then not to go was really hard. I went on day 5 but no signs of milk despite regularly using the breast-pump in hospital. We rented one for home and I kept feeding DS with the same milk of the hospital but I could only extract 10 ml max and he had heavy colics for the first 2 days home and didn't gain a single gram back. Paediatrician changed the milk for a pre-digested one and now it's slightly better (even if 5 am today he had so strong colics that I needed to use the "only in case of real need" drug) and I feel so bad I want to disappear. I can't help thinking that I didn't insist enough at home breastfeeding, that DS wouldn't suffer that much with my milk, that he will miss my contact (although I try to be with him as much as possible after the bottle) and my antibodies (as actually all bottle-fed babies/people I know get/used to get sick more and more easily, that I'm a horrible mum as I just gave up to DH who removed the pump from me as he couldn't see me destroying my nipples anymore and to my aunts who deliver chose NOT to bf for convenience and keep telling me that I'm just lucky as I don't have to choose, in between there is D(?)M who keeps shouting at my guilt tears.
Please anyone to tell me that I'm not ridiculous and that it's normal to feed so sad for this and if there are any real life examples of healthy babies artificially fed?

I breastfed my DD for 10 days (no problems in birth like you, no stressful environment at home) until she got readmitted on day 10 for 12% weight loss. After another day of trying to sort it out in hospital, they advised me to go to formula. We bottle fed from then on.

I cried and cried and stayed in so much because of how awful I felt at not being able to feed her 'properly'. This was with brilliant support as well. I was right on the verge of PND. I guilt tripped myself constantly.

The value of hindsight!

DD has never been to the doctors. Not once. She had a vomiting bug at about 11months (we all did) and has had a few colds. Ridiculously healthy child.

I tried again with DS, got to 6 weeks this time. Would have been nice to breastfeed, it's cheaper, but I didn't get anywhere near as upset this time, it'll be fine!

Btw, get as much distance between you and any negative/toxic people, you just don't need that right now. Take time to look after yourself and your baby. Focus on learning every little thing about them, and sleeping as much as you can!

Thanks @vivavivaviva. Me too I have the feeling that everybody just likes to give their own opinion for free, and I'm glad to hear successful stories of bottle-fed DC. I'm mainly upset to not only feel dead inside, but also not to be allowed to express my feelings. I save my tears for the night while nobody can see me, I watch DS sleeping and ask him to forget me. This afternoon we have another appointment to check his growth, I just hope for the best otherwise I don't know how to get on.

Ok, it really sounds like you're living in a very negative place, are you still staying with your parents? You absolutely should look to move back to your own place (with DH) asap.

What you're describing sound a lot like PND, have you had this mood for more than a few days? If so, get yourself to the GP as a priority, i.e. Call today. Whilst there is a bit of evidence that breast milk is better than formula, it would be much worse for baby to have a mum who was so guilt ridden that she couldn't play and cuddle and engage. Self care first, so you can take care of DC.

How has your DH been about how you're feeling?

We have booked the flight back for August 12th (but DH needs to be back 2 weeks earlier and I have to stay instead!) as it's the earliest time we can get a travel document for DS through the embassy. Coming back here has been one of the biggest mistakes of my life. DH understands me but he can't do much about the family situation otherwise he gets negative attention too (yesterday for example he prepared a tiramisu for me which I love and couldn't eat for 9 months, it was ready as a dessert after dinner and when he told me he got shouted at by D(?)M that he should stop offering me food as I'm eating too much in her opinion!). On the other hand, I'm getting the overnight help by DF (DH has to sleep long stretches according to neurologists) who is also paying for further examinations for his epilepsy. I would rather have no practical/economical help than feeling so worthless (DF despite my complaints went to give the breast pump back). DS has had colics overnight and I have been crying for hours along him.
Does anybody know if there is any consultation I can arrange on the phone?

By the way, luckily with the new milk DS is just 30g away from the birth weight now. Colics are still there but at least he absorbs something.
In the meantime, a 9 months old friend's DD who was born at the same hospital and formula fed through a similar protocol is now in hospital with a temperature of 40C and a bacterial infection. Great

Oh sorry OP, I didn't get this notification.

First step, big wall chart of how many more days you have left. Have a mini celebration for getting to the end of each day!

Second step, ignore that bollocks from your not so DM. Eat whatever you want to eat, now is really not the time for healthy living! Now is survival. I gained a stone after DS was born, and lost in 5 weeks on weight watchers when he was 4 months.

I'm glad you have extra family support, I've not had that at all. But I've had a super supportive DH, emotional and physical. I can empathise with what you say.

Well done little DC for weight gain, smash it next time!