exhausted by anxiety and crying all time

[AnnaL82]

I'm towards the end of the 2nd trimester, have some history of panic attacks that stopped when I joined DH in the UK. We are both from overseas, he has been here for 16 years we met when I was working in Germany and then I looked for a job to move here. I found it 90 miles away from him and was happy not having to fly anymore, and I am still employed there after 5 years. I have been commuting weekends but now that I'm pregnant and he's doing that, it's becoming so hard to be alone during the week. This obviously includes worries about days alone me and the baby, if something happens etc - I don't have any friends here and only know work colleagues, because I have always been away on weekends, and try to bother as less as possible friends abroad. In this 2nd trimester I moved from sleeping all day to not sleeping at all if not 2-3 hours per night, I find myself always crying, worried about the baby health and my DH's, obsessed by counting baby movements etc. Two days ago a uni colleague I attended bachelor and masters with died at 36 of cardiac complication after birth leaving a 7mo baby and this shocked me so much. Then yesterday DH was supposed to catch a train after work to my place, but I didn't hear from him from 3.30 to 6.30 pm and didn't answered the phone. I got into complete panic after 5, I rang all numbers in his workplace but no one was there anymore, I called his landlord who hadn't seen him since the morning and all the A&Es in his county, finally it turned out he had been caught in a 2hours meeting that was supposed to be 20minutes. He suffers from epilepsy and I witnessed a seizure last year which left me completely distressed so I'm always worried something happens to him on the road, that is also the reason why he doesn't drive.
This morning I woke up 4AM while dreaming about having killed a friend I have absolutely nothing against, and trying to hide the body while being chased by police!
I have tears in my eyes 24h a day, trying to keep professional at work but since Monday every single day a colleague looks at me and asks me if I'm ok!
Please mums, tell me if it's everything normal and I should just carry on or seek help and in this case where, as besides routine antenatal checks I have never seen a single doctor here! I didn't mention that to midwives as after I have decided to give birth in my home country to have my family around (DH only has 1 week paternity leave) they have been always hasty and dismissive.
Can anyone also explain me how the local forum here works, maybe I just need to meet someone?
x

Dear Anna, I just want to say that though I can't help you with local forums, someone else may pick this up later who can. I just wanted to give you some sympathy because this is awful for you. No wonder you are feeling so bad. Anxiety is awful and feeds on itself. But in most csses the dreaded outcome does not happen. Many congatulations on your pregnancy. Even if you are having the baby somewhere else, you can still sign up for antenatal classes here where you will get to know other pregnant mums, which will help a bit. But I do think it would be a good idea to see a doctor as well. Do take care of yourself, and make sure to keep posting so others will see it as the day goes on

Hi Copperas, thanks a lot for your reply. Last appointment the midwife signed me up to antenatal classes starting on May 23rd, but I have to leave before the end of the 36th week otherwise airlines won't allow me to fly, which means no later than June 11th, so I can only attend 3 of them which surely is better than nothing but at the moment I feel so distressed that I can't think about waiting until then to talk to someone.
Thanks a lot for understanding!

I can't be much help with what is going on now but I can reassure you that having a baby is a great way of making new friends so you need not have days alone when the baby is actually here. I have made some fantastic friends at baby and toddler groups; babies give you an automatic excuse to talk to people.

Anna, from what you say itsounds though people at work have picked up that you are not ok. You may not have chosen them as you r friends but that does mean they are not interested in you. You have two big shocks recently with your friend's tragic death and your worry about your partner's health. I think you do need to speak t o people at work because even a few kind words and concern for you will help you a bit and you won't feel so entirely alone. Give them a chance to help you, evev if it is only a bit of help

@Bohemond - indeed DH will join paternity&summer holidays to be with me there but as soon as I have a routine with the baby I want to be back here and use maternity leave to get to know the local area - since we bought this house last month (I was renting and traveling weekends before). My mum will take some annual leave to stay with me here for 2-3 weeks but I have to learn to be here with the baby and settle in before returning to work. I'm lucky that everything will happen in summer so will try to stay outside as much as possible!

@Copperas - do you want to laugh? In 5 years I have never understood when people ask about me just as a way to say hello or when it's a real question :) But this guy is asking me every morning and yesterday mentioned explicitly how my face would look, so I guess he's really asking that. I need to work more in this direction otherwise I will never pass the cultural test for the passport :)
BTW - no one there normally talks about personal issues, so I would feel weird opening up too much...

Anna, I think he is really asking! And you may be surprised at what people talk about quietly. Why not try, starting with being upset my your friend's death? Also, do you have any help with understanding anxiety? Not sure about your work but we have access to an online counselling system. But I think you need to go to the doctor and say you may have antenatal depression - there is help available

Yes, yesterday when he asked about my face I actually mentioned my friend and he sympathized. I felt better but then I had DH disappearing in the afternoon!
If you take it from the rational point of view I would have nothing to complain about - I have a good job, a house, a DH who will be a wonderful dad as he loves kids more than I do, I can even be safe that what happened to my friend is very unlikely to happen to me as before pregnancy i used to run and in my home country to take part in races you have to pass a thorough medical check with echo and stress heart tests, which I did! Maybe it's also the sudden lack of physical activity, don't know. But mainly it's the loneliness and a sum of things coupled with hormones.
The work newsletter with the new help line service came out just a couple of weeks ago. I contacted them on the chat but obviously after a few exchanges they told me to phone, which I never did as it sounds so weird to me to talk about me on the phone to someone I don't know and I can't see (this probably links to the fear to be judged from my accent). I should probably make an effort and try with that before going to the doctor...

Anxiety isn't rational though! And from what you say it is also putting up barriers to seeking help. And of course yor hormones are probably all over the place... Off to work now, hope today sees you feeling a bit better

Thank you Copperas. Yesterday DH joined me for lunch time (he can work from home on Fridays with no special meetings, so I got him a pass and a hot desk at my workplace) so the day was OK. Felt asleep very early then usual nightmares and insomnia. Defo I will be well prepared to lack of sleep when the baby comes!
The worse will come on Monday as he as to go to London and after the recent attack I know for sure I will spend the day refreshing bbc news website but let's take one day at a time...

Anna, so glad you had a better day. I think you have a really difficult time with loneliness at a time of great personal change which makes your anxiety much worse. And anxiety makes it impossible to assess risk properly, so that as soon as you think that something could concievably happen, it becomes an inevitable catastrophe. Millions of people are in London every day. It is vanishingly unlikely that anything will happen to him, and yet your anxiety forces you to think that the only way he can stay safe is if you suffer agonies of worry. It's a really nasty, twisty condition.
I'm not sure if you are signed up with a doctor, but if you are not, you need to be so that you and your baby can have immediate access to health care as and when you need it. Because some problems are inevitable, like kids getting sick - mundane stuff like an ear infection or a rash. But before your baby needs it, you need the support now.
Which brings me back to the helpline: it's there, they asked you to ring them, and for all you know the person you talk to may have an accent as well.
I hope you have a good day today.

Thanks Copperas, weekend has been fine just a bit filled with my obsessive thoughts when doing nothing.
Now DH is on a train back - you' re right that the perception of risk is altered, but you know, I had worried about the tube too, and it has happened in St. Petersburg
Yes, I have been registered to different doctors (depending on the area I would live in) but in 5 years I have NEVER seen one - thanks God for this but really no clue how I would approach the subject. In 6 months of pregnancy I have taken only one paracetamol pill once for a headache and would avoid drugs.
Still finding the courage to pick up the phone. I felt dismissed in the chat session where the person cut the story short and this kind of stops me. But I know I should give it a try.

Glad he got back safely. You may be offered cbt to help with obsessive thoughts - it's worth a try.