Is it him or me?

[jcne]

I can't work out whether I fucking hate my boyfriend (who is the father of my 26 week old foetus) or if I'm 'just' depressed.

We've had issues with him drinking and lying which I'm trying to overcome but I also see everything through my misty depression (pre-existing) window of negativity.

I'm miserable right now and he's come home all full of it. I can't bear the thought of the evening ahead I just want to go to bed and hide.

Is there any reason why you can't do just that - get a drink, a snack and go to bed and hide?
It's tough being pregnant; everything and everyone annoys you at some point. I remember being 18 and bloody scared at the prospect of becoming a mum, knowing that the relationship with DC father wasn't going to go the distance.
I don't know if this is your first, 3rd or 5th but I'd ride out the storm and re-evaluate when you are settled with your little baby.

Because I'm trying not to be a shit girlfriend. He will get angry and storm out, get drunk, who knows what else.

We aren't speaking and sleeping in separate rooms despite my (v halfhearted - just don't have it in me) efforts to keep the peace

How is he being a good boyfriend if you're feeling like this you're not shit girlfriend! You're growing and nurturing his child! You're doing the best you can, with him acting like this no wonder you feel how you do.
Have you any family nearby? Has he?
If you see a future with this man, he needs a good talking to from a neutral source to open his eyes; you can go to the doctors every week but support and recovery from 'just' depression starts at home.
How's the atmosphere this morning?
Sorry I'm not much help but don't want you to feel alone

I'm going to Relate for an initial consultation tonight (he has declined to attend). I'm glad actually as I wouldn't feel able to be honest about everything if he was sat there and first and foremost I should tackle my MH issues.

i've got plenty of family here as has he, it's just a pretty messy situation and he sees it a completely different way to how I do. I'm not sure if I can trust my own judgement at the moment either.

I wouldn't see a future with him if I didn't feel I had to try to repair things for the baby. I don't want to make an enemy out of him and then spend the next 18 years miserable and stressed and at war. I just wish I had had the good sense to not get into this situation in the first place! v depressed... perhaps will also see GP, not that they've been able to help me with depression in the past but they are a lot more interested in me now I am pregnant!

I wouldn't see a future with him if I didn't feel I had to try to repair things for the baby.

Oh love...

Please be totally honest at your counselling. He doesn't sound like he's doing much to help you with your low mood in fact it sounds like he's actively making it worse. You shouldn't be treading on egg shells and you shouldn't be worried if you argue he'll go out and get pissed. What's he got to be so angry about!?

he thinks I'm overreacting and as he's given up drinking (as far as my eyes can see!) there is nothing more he can do to help me !

Hope your relate appointment went well xx

She was mostly interested in his drinking. I got home and he was all "oh I forgot why didn't you remind me". Then said I was trying to make it look like he didn't care 🙄