Not quite sure where to start or what it is that I'm looking to get out of this post so might just be rambling for abit hoping it makes me feel better.
I'm in a situation where I know I should go and see my gp about depression but I can't bring myself to do it. I hate them, I've never had a good experience with doctors and I just can't imagine what I'm supposed to say, never mind what their reaction would be. How can i go in and explain what's wrong if I don't know what's wrong in the first place?
I think it started when I was teenager and it never completely went away, I self harmed a lot but it's 10 years at least since I've come close to doing that again.
Having a baby has really fucked my head up but I honestly don't understand why. My daughter is amazing. Being a Mum is hard and exhausting and bewildering but amazing. And I see this gorgeous little thing that I managed to create and I'm fucking ignoring her because I'm too busy sitting on the bed crying. She's learnt to bring me a tissue when I'm crying because it's just a regular occurrence for mummy to be abit sad and she fucking cuddles me and brings me a teddy because she knows that's what makes her happy and then she'll go off and play with her toys or get her crayons out and she thinks nothing of playing on her own because that's how it's always been.
And then I'll get more upset at myself but I still can't bring myself to do anything about it because my brain just tells me that im a disgrace and there's no point anyway.
I've tried to talk to my own mum about it to see if she felt like this with me but I get nothing. I've been bought up with depression being something that is made up by people who don't want to go to work. It's something that people should just stop feeling because you've got nothing bad happening and there's kids starving in Africa and they always smile so why can't I.
I can be fine for a while. Might be days or might be a couple of hours like this morning and then it just sneaks up on you. Something little might start it off today like my face looked all blotchy and horrible even after I tried to hide it with make up and then I noticed how fat I looked and that I need to go up a trousers size again even after I spent ages losing all that weight.
I put weight on because I found out I was pregnant a little while ago and ate all the foods I wanted to and made plans of new babies and names and colours and due dates and shit and then I lost it and I couldn't talk to anyone because no one knew and I felt like I wasn't allowed to grieve because it wasn't a baby or a thing it was just cells and bits and everyone kept telling me how it could have been really bad but it was fucking really bad.
I've decided I'm not going to go back and read what I've written and change it all I just need to post it so people can read it and probably tell me I need to see a doctor. I don't feel any better for writing that and I really wish I did.
It has made me think that maybe it's pnd and then I was perhaps doing ok but I had a miscarriage and it's come back again. My husbands going to come home and tell that I've been crying and I hate it when that happens
He tried really hard and I feel like I'm letting him down too. He never knows if he's coming home to me being a horrible bastard in a mood or the version that is doing ok and is on top of the housework and the kids and everyone is fine.
Now I just feel really deflated and empty like I've got everything off my chest and I'm not sure where to go from here.
I'm sorry to anyone that reads all that bollocks. Thanks though. It's abit reassuring to know someone might be reading that and going through the same thing or has been through it and knows what's at the other end