is it PND making me feel like this?

[Pagetta]

Ds1 is 4 and ds2 5 months. ds2 is not a great sleeper and DH works away a lot. Im exhausted and been feeling increasingly down. this last week I've just spent crying as I'm so tired. I just feel totally crap but I don't know if it's something a good sleep would cure or if it's more than that.
I honestly have got to the stage with ds2 where if someone said 'I'll take him away for a few weeks' I wouldn't bat an eye in fact id be grateful. I don't hate him, and I feel protective towards him, I just increasingly feel like life was better before he arrived. I feel awful just seeing those words there but I really do. I get no time with ds1, and tired ALL the time so he's often dumped in front of TV. when DH is home we rarely have sex which is causing friction.
I also hate my post baby body and I am just so frustrated that because of lack of sleep I'm too tired to go out running and crave fatty foods. DH is great and when home wI'll say 'go for a run I've got the boys' but I just can't be arsed. I was supposed to be doing a running event today but pulled out last minute as training was so inadequate. am gutted about that as was really looking forward to getting back to it.
I just feel like I wasn't cut out to be a mum of two - I can't cope at all. millions of women do it but I don't know how.
it's also playing on my mind how I'll cope back at full time work come May.
I'm letting them all down, and feel so guilty that I blame ds2 for this.
I really don't know if a good sleep would perk me up or if it's something more. but who do I speak to about it? is it GP? where do I start with trying to get my head sorted? thanks xx

Possibly pnd, definitely shatteredness.
See your GP and in the meantime practise all the usual self care you can- sleep when you can, if you're bfeeding ds2 Dream sleep and if you're ever lying awake in bed, don't read but keep your eyes shut. I have a theory that the worse thing about short term sleep deprivation is eye strain.
If you're struggling with daily tasks imagine you're being filmed and go through the motions, I was pretty absent with dc3 and 2 toddlers but DH remembers me as smiley with the dcs, which in terms of their development covers most bases until they're much older.
Re exercising, a proper event when your baby is so young seems a bit ambitious (disclaimer I'm a rubbish exerciser/ participant, my first post under this name was a failed event I'd got sponsorship for )
Break it down into smaller goals- so rather than you'll compete at x on y date, you'll get out for a brisk walk whenever DH offers, or do the first week of couch- 5k three weeks running.
Be kind to yourself.

Bumping for you Pagetta

How are you doing today
(mini bump)

hiya, am OK and thnx for the advice. although was a long old night last night the storm woke them both lots.

not sure DH would say I'm smiley at min - he got mad the other night as he heard me muttering on baby monitor some choice descriptions of the baby as he woke for the zillionth time :/

also just had every mums fave call, the 'I'm going to be late home' one. context: he's been away 3 days and won't be back til midnight

have piles of ironing and house needs cleaning. I hoped he'd be back for bedtime so I could crack on but no chance. I sleep when I can but that isn't very bloody much. I just don't know how other mums get stuff done feel like I must be getting it all massively wrong somewhere

I don't know whether 'getting stuff done' is really that great tbh! It's good for your mental health, but I really think with such a tiny baby and an older one I think you prioritise keeping everyone warm and fed each day. Including you!
I really hope someone else joins us! I had pnd after my third and never got help- it led to years of low level anxiety and a massive MH blow out 10 years after. Now I'm really great, but I wish I'd got help earlier!
Can you wipe round the bathroom if you're bathing the toddler and clean the kitchen sink? Hide the ironing basket, but the ironing board away and light a scented candle or give the sitting room a cursory furniture polish wipe?
Is there anything dh can do about his work patterns? Midnight on Sunday after a weekend away would break the most organised sahm!
Ref the smiling- fake it till you make it.

Ha ha i have only recently discovered the joys of baby-wipe cleaning (working full time i had a cleaner the last 3 years andprevious to that i didn't have kids so had time to clean ha!) it is a very handy way to spruce the house up!
DH is military so unfirtunately no budging on his work :-/
Thanks for the support. I will try to talk to GP or HV but I just don't know what to say - when I say it out loud it sounds so pathetic!
I'm not at all overweight so I always get eye-rolls when i say i hate my post baby body, so I know it just sounds ridiculous.

Ah military! Yes no budging there.
Do talk to your GP or HV. It's incredibly common. If nothing else it means you'll have a history and that can be very helpful. I recently had an incredibly gentle long appointment as I was feeling so anxious. I went back 2 weeks later and we could pinpoint that it hadn't been anxiety or depression just a very reasonable response to stress- now alleviated. Even if they don't prescribe anything (they never have for me!) various GPs over the years have affirmed what's normal and helped with self care and advice.
Yes, it's not about weight is it? Can you reframe your goals around fitness? Track what you do via a cheap step counter or do a specific home based regime? Abs or arms or legs?
Do the smiley thing today!
It's just a habit and does affect your mood positively.

How did you get on today, Pagetta?

Bump and

How are you Pagetta?

Hey thanks for the message, I'm ok thanks but had a crappy week as baby has had bronchiolitis so we've been in and out of hospital.

It does pull your priorities shaprly into focus when you are sat in the back of an ambulance with them :-/he's ok now but they are super cautious with babies who can't breathe well.

I have realised I probably have PMT at the minute, and after mt first that gave me awful moods for a few months until my hormones settled. I think that made me feel worse earlier this week.

DH has been great this week, but has also broken the news that he is away for a month after xmas. I'm trying SO hard not to stress about it now but i just don't know how i'll cope if i'm honest - i want to be strong and reassure him its ok to go away, but I don't know if I can.

I'm alright though, just getting lots of baby snuggles. thank you xxx

What a roller coaster- it's incredible isn't it how in a crisis, we thrive!?
Can you make some very provisional plans for January? Any chance of family or friends coming to stay or you visiting? Would meal deliveries be a help?

Pagetta, I could have written your post this time last year. It's so draining adjusting to life with two kids and I also have a DH who works away. I am definitely primary carer!

I guess all I can say is it does get better. I went back to work when youngest was 10 months and that definiely helped. Less time stuck in drudgery. Although balancing work and home is ridiculously hard still. My youngest is 20 months now and sometimes I can't believe I've got this far