A dad needing advice.

[Brian24]

Hello everyone

I would really appreciate if anyone could give me any help or guidance.

We had our second son seven months ago and since he was born my wife has been struggling with post natal depression. She had been to the doctors and has been prescribed medication but it did not appear to be working. It has been getting progressively worse, her moods are unpredictable and she is angry all the time. She can go from relatively happy to lethargic and tired, to uncontrollably angry and aggressive. She loses her temper and tells me that she is losing control, this has been escalating over the last couple of weeks where she told me that she can’t cope and that she has suicidal thoughts daily.

I have no idea how to help her, I have suggested that we both go to the doctor and talk it through together. I have tried to be supportive however everything I do, I am accused of talking down to her or pedantic. I asked her about her tablets that she has been taking, she told me that she goes through stages where she takes them and then she will stop. I’m not sure if this is having a negative effect, I doubt that the tablets would work if this is the case.

I love my wife and want to help her in any way that I can, I am sure that I am not the perfect husband at times and I do have my faults but I try my best. I work reasonably long hours but always make sure I’m home to feed and bath the boys before bed. I also try and give her time to herself by taking the boys out on a Saturday or Sunday among other things. I am willing to try anything to make her happy, so any suggestions would be welcomed?

I do have a series of concerns:

Should I be acting on her suicidal thoughts?
How can I help her, she seems to despise me at the moment, everything I say seems to make her worse and more angry?
It feels really serious can I force her to the doctor again, I know this wouldn’t be right but I am worried?

I feel so lucky to have my wife and she has given me two beautiful boys, I just want her to get through this she’s my best friend.

Many thanks

Brian

You sound lovely Brian. My husband doesn't "believe" in anti-ds so my depression got very very bad before I get help.

Taking pills sporadically will not help. You need to get her back to the GP as it is crucial she gets more help. How you do this I don't know. Home visit?

I hope more people will come along to give more helpful advice than me.

Stay strong. Good luck

Brian you sound like a lovely man. Just quickly:

• yes, you must act urgently on her suicidal thoughts. Go to the GP without her if necessary.

• Sadly you can't make this go away for her. Her moods are symptoms of the illness. She has a medical problem which needs a medical solution. But your support will help enormously in her recovery. Have you asked your wife what sort of support she would like? Is there any way you can take holiday/get some kind of parental leave to take care of the dc for a time? If not, would nursery be an option? Would getting a cleaner/babysitter to help out during the day be possible? I would be nervous about leaving her in sole care of the dc when she is overwhelmed, suicidal and speaks of losing control.

-I don't know if you can force her to see the doctor. However, you can speak to the health visitor and GP without her and should do this.

PND is horrible but very treatable. Almost everyone recovers with the correct support. But she does need to seek treatment and stick to it. Good luck!

You sound lovely.

Contact the health visitor and the GP and see what they have to say. Having suicidal thoughts is something that needs to be acted on.

Taking her meds sporadically will not help either.

Good luck, and keep supporting her as best you can

Brian, you're clearly a lovely person. I myself have had pnd twice and everything you describe about what your wife is going through is exactly what I went through-the anger, the crazy mood swings, the fatigue, the hopelessness. I think getting your wife to go to the GP is important. It was the best thing I did. I suddenly felt a real sense of relief in that diagnosis, within 5 mins I was made aware of 'intrusive thoughts' something so seldom mentioned but a big part of pnd. I went on citalopram (antidepressants) and they really helped me (10mg daily) and have few side effects. All these types of meds though even at a low dose MUST be taken regularly and not stopped and started. I came off them very quick and felt truly truly awful despite being well enough to come off of them.
With your wonderful support, sorting out meds - on or off - just not up and down. Also I would strongly strongly recommend a little exercise class - like yoga or Pilates (good for getting the core and pelvic floor back) but crucially both gentle and connect body with mind and calm and with a good focus on breath but above all an hour's escape from the daily grind.
I really hope you can get her to a GP (they should fit her in asap if you explain to receptionist what it's for) and take that weight off of hers and your shoulders.
I will be thinking of you