feel like I can't go on

[Trapped01]

Ok this is going to be a long post.

7 weeks ago I have birth to a baby girl. My pregnancy & labour went as well as they possibly could have gone. All through my pregnancy I never really felt a connection to my baby, but I assured myself once I met her I'd experience that "overwhelming love" EVERYONE tells you you'll feel.....I still don't feel it. I look at her & she's beautiful but she's just a baby to me. I feel no bond or warmth that I "should" feel. I care for her out of duty. I never let her cry & try so hard to make her happy because she is just an innocent baby that deserves all the love in the world, but the love just isn't growing for me & im so askamed to say I feel like I just don't really want her. If I knew she wouldn't cry, I feel like id be happy to walk out of my house & never go back right now.

She doesn't sleep well & is very demanding. Caring for her is just so relentless. My partner works & by the time he's home I'm attempting to put the baby to bed so I feel like I'm doing everything & he just gets to play or cuddle her without any of the hard work. I feel like he has no clue how hard it is & he gets annoyed & angry when I try & tell him how I feel towards the baby, because of course he's never been happier now we have this child.

He doesn't seem to realise how you have no personal time once you have a baby & still goes to the gym or to the pub to watch footy, leaving me with the baby. I could scream trying to tell him how I barely have time to go to the toilet, never mind anything else. He keeps trying to make me let his mum come round to help out but I don't want anyone else here. I feel like I need to learn to be ok on my own & deal with this & I just have to pretend I'm happy in front of anyone else when they're telling me how wonderful my baby is & how amazing life is...I miss my old life. I miss sleeping & going out or just taking a shower without a baby needing me. I just don't think I'm cut out to be a mum & I feel so much regret & sadness. I hate myself for feeling this way. I'm sat right now breast feeding her & I'm in tears, feeling such resentment. I also resent my partner for still having his old life outside of this house. I'm even questioning if I want to be with him anymore because we just aren't on the same page & all we do is argue. We were best friends before this baby & literally never fell out.

I don't drive & feel so trapped. I just can't see a light at the end of the tunnel here & am so desperate. I want my old life back.

Have you been honest with your health visitor about how you feel? You are not alone but you need to reach out for real life help. It is a tough tough time.

Have you read this blog? It's a bit sweary but very real. m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=229488524120513&substory_index=0&id=137564723312894

My health visitor came yesterday & just assured me I'm doing "such a good job" as my baby is really thriving. I broke down & told her a bit but she thinks it's just lack of sleep making me feel down. I darent tell anyone the extent of how I feel. I'm so lost. I have suffered with depression in the past after losing my mum. The fact she isn't here is just making things worse because she's the only person that I know could help me. I would never harm myself in any way because I wouldn't want my family to suffer but I honestly think if the dr told me I'd die tomorrow, I'd be fine with that. I'm just so so exhausted. I can't believe I feel this way when I'm so lucky to have this beautiful healthy baby.

OP, you really need to talk to someone about this. Those bloody hormones are so difficult to deal with when you have a new baby. Can you talk to your partner? I think it would be a good idea if you or he called the OOH for help.

I'm so sorry you lost your mum. Is there any other relative who could help you? A MIL?

Sleep deprivation is used as a former of torture. We are not meant to parent alone, you need practical help, even if it just to let you sleep and have a shower and I'm sure there are people who would love to help, but you need to ask. Sometimes people are worried that they are imposing. Would you find it helpful to call a helpline to talk about how you are feeling? www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/how-we-can-help/ The number is on this page if you did want to speak to someone. X

There's been a lot of new babies in my family lately & their mums are all so elated at being mothers. I can't possibly tell them how I feel. My partner gets angry that I could have any negative feelings as he's delighted we have the baby. I'm not comfortable talking to his mum about this. I just don't know who to turn to. I feel like I'm tied to the baby, she doesn't allow anyone else to comfort her when she cries, she only wants me & I won't let her cry so I take her, but then I hate that I have to. It's just a cycle. I'm trying to get off breastfeeding to give me a bit more freedom but some days she won't take the bottle & just screams until I give in and breastfeed. I should feel close to her & the fact I soothe her so much but I just don't. My partner said "don't you feel so close to her when you feed her?" I just look down & pray for her to finish & get off me. I can barely type these words because it sounds so awful

They might equally be struggling but keep it hidden from you. Your partner does not understand as his life is largely the same. It's yours that is unrecognisable. What you are saying doesn't sound awful, it sounds like someone who needs to reach out for help. When you say your partner gets angry, what does he do? Sometimes in these situations it might be easier to talk to someone different, maybe someone with older children who can empathise with you and help you with where to go from here.

He's not violent in any way, in fact he's usually the most laid back, patient man & before the baby he'd never spoken angrily towards me. It's his tone & the way he looks at me. Asking how I can say such things, while looking at me like I'm pure evil @ ending with him storming out. I went out briefly the other day & my friend said "all you wanna do is go home and cuddle baby don't you" and all I could think was no! I went home because I called & heard her upset & knew I was the only one that could stop her. I feel like I'm babysitting but not getting paid. Like she's someone else's baby. I really don't want to socialise as I can't stand pretending I feel the way everyone tells me I should & I darent tell anyone the truth.

I think your health visitor has to be the person you speak to, OP. I don't suppose they're available at the weekends, are they? Would you be okay until Monday morning, when you could phone for an urgent home visit? I think they generally have to be told how you feel but once they are told (as long as you're really honest with them) they will help immediately.

Your husband needs to do some reading up on PND, I think. His behaviour really isn't helping at all.

And please don't worry that because you didn't fall in love with your baby immediately it'll always mean there'll be problems. Your baby loves you completely now and pretty soon you'll look at her and everything will be alright. You just need a bit of care from your health visitor or GP at the moment.

Having read your post I feel like you are overwhelmed, tired and fed up - and with all the hormones in your body post-delivery it's little wonder you've been getting these thoughts... :( You still care your baby doesn't go hungry, don't want her to cry - I don't think you're being a bad mom in any way.
IMO your partner should take on more and be prepared to give up some of his fun times for time being - especially as you're feeling so down. Of course not forever, but the next few months perhaps... Sometimes the polite laid back men are the worst at understanding any emotionally charged situations, they have their emotions under control and just look down on anyone who struggles.

This is just how I feel, I'm sorry you've been feeling this way.

How are you @Trapped01 ??

Hi Dede124, thank you so much for asking.

I'm much better. Reading my post makes me quite emotional as I can't believe I felt so low. I think it was a lot to do with the extreme sleep deprivation, which continued for 6 months but my daughter sleeps wonderfully now! She is 11 months now & is her own little person. Once she started to interact more with me I started to feel better, it's become much easier & doesn't feel quite so much like "work" now.

If anyone else has read my post & feels similar please know it does get better. Everyone said that at the time but I didn't believe them or see a way out. I'm not saying things are perfect, far from it, but I no longer feel like my world is caving in.

Thank you for all the advice & understanding from people that commented. I hope you're all well xx

Thanks brilliant @Trapped01 sounds like you've come a long way from being in a dark place! Glad your enjoying being a mummy :) I came across your post yesterday and read through I'm 22 weeks now and have felt quite low so far throughout due to circumstances and I'm terrified of getting PND and feeling how you described.

Really pleased your in a better place and well done for staying strong! xx

What a great update op I'm so glad you are feeling better now and getting to enjoy your beautiful dd

Dede124 Sorry you've been feeling low. I still have times I feel bad but I've noticed my mood is definitely linked to how much sleep I've had. Does your baby sleep well? On the days I'm exhausted I still now, find it hard to cope & some of those dark thoughts ( of regretting having a baby etc) start creeping in, but I remind myself of all the wonderful things my daughter does every day that I love & I find it easier to pull myself back from it.

Do you notice any particular factor which affects your mood the most? If you can find one & work on that, Ifind everything else seems better. On the low days EVERYTHING is a problem & I just feel like I'm drowning. Thankfully those days are few & far between now.

Hopefully as your daughter grows & you start getting more & more back from her you will feel better.