Finally accepted that I probably have PND

[Stinkilinky]

My DP has been telling me that he thinks I have PND since our DS was born 15 weeks ago.

I have previous mental health issues which I had overcome for about 5 years before I fell pregnant.

I went through a lot of stress during my pregnancy and since giving birth due to a fall out with a family member over my pregnancy. Subsequently, friends have got involved which made things worse so I have cut myself off from a lot of people as I'm paranoid about who I can trust etc.

I have some really good days where I feel very positive about life, confident in my ability as a parent and look forward to the future. Other days are just like a black hole, my DS never seems to be content and I feel that I'm dragging my DP down with me. He has been my rock and I feel that have nothing to give him back.

I've been very reluctant to visit my GP to discuss how I'm feeling as this is a road I never wanted to walk down again but I see that nothing is improving without outside help.

Sorry for ranting, I just find things easier to write down than to actually say out loud.

It took me a while to really realise it when I had PND as it manifested differently to my previous experiences of depression.

I really feel for you OP, I had a rotten time with it before I realised what was going on. Similarly I cut off lots of people and lost a lot of friends.

It started getting better as soon as I saw the GP though. YMMV but he was so serious about it and so sympathetic, I felt like I was really being heard and not just given the brush-off.

Please go and see your GP and let us know how you get on.

The good news is that there is life on the other side, my experience was 2 years ago but within a relatively short time of seeking treatment I was on the road to recovery. Eventually you will not only start to feel better, but you will see that you're not dragging your DP down; he wants to help you up!

Life is full of ups and downs and having a new baby is tough enough at the best of times. Be easy on yourself.

Speak to your HV, mine was amazing when I had PND. She didn't judge at all.
I cut myself off from people, mostly because I felt I was pretending, I was ashamed of how I was feeling and everyone seemed so ruddy happy!
But I can assure you so many women go through this, talk to your HV, go to the dr, get some medication. It worked for me and once I felt better I could rationalise my thoughts and see so much clearer. I became a happy mummy and that's what your DS needs.

Yes good idea, sorry I'm not in the UK so didn't think of the HV

Thank you for your responses. I feel so guilty that this special time has been ruined by how I am behaving. I'm also petrified that my DS is the way he is because of how stressed and upset I was during my pregnancy.

I'm going to ring my GP now and book an appointment. I have beaten this before and I will do it again!

You'll get better and start to enjoy your LO. Talking about it is a good start and you'd be surprised at how much that alone helps

I'm not the best at talking about things, I have to be in the mood if that makes any sense? If I'm not, I just put on a smile and say everything is fine. A few people that I have opened up to have been very shocked about how I feel as I'm very much a closed book who can come across a tough cookie.

I couldn't get an appointment with a GP as all the appointments have been taken, I have to call back tomorrow to see if they have any cancellations.

Ring them back, tell them you need to talk about you're mental health and it's urgent. They will have appointments

Hi OP I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I remember the dark days so well. My dd is 15 mo and I feel that I'm just coming through the other side a bit now.

I went on ad's when she was a few weeks old. I vowed I'd never go back on them again and struggled on as long as I could without. But I was a shit mum (not saying you are) as I was so unhappy and could not connect with my daughter. I hated being a parent.

It's absolutely life changing having a child! I used to compare myself to other mums as well which made me feel even worse.
The medication has been a lifesaver. As has a book called Calm Parents Happy Kids.

Things will get better I promise. The first part is acknowledging there is a problem. I remember feeling very ashamed but now I'm coming through it, I can tell people and it surprises me that so many other people experience it.

Hope you manage to get a GP appointment soon. Keep going, you're doing a great job x

ming I really can relate you everything you have said. I feel like the shittest mum going, I'm struggling to connect with DS. He has had a few overnight stays with my mum and I couldn't get out the door quick enough after dropping him off. I don't enjoy being a parent and I constantly compare myself to other people - I really need to stop doing this as its driving me crackers.

Everyone has said DS is a difficult baby. Boy! Don't I know it! I'm so jealous of these mums with happy little babies!

I'm going to give that book a try, reading is my escape at the moment.

The book was a revelation to me with regards how I parent. Completely changed how I do it.

I've got a difficult baby too! Has cows milk protein intolerance and had bad reflux for months. It was a living hell. I completely understand what you mean feeling jealous of other people's babies. I stopped going to baby groups because of this as I'd get home and cry my eyes out.

She's still very demanding now but I see things differently after reading that book - it's only me, her mum who truly understands her and can meet her emotional needs. You will be the same with your son, it's the pnd making you feel disconnected at the moment. I so feel for you, it's really horrendous. Some days I couldn't get up and dp had to look after our baby.

You're not a shit mum as a shit mum would not be online needing support and wanting help for the issue

Is he your first dc? Are you on maternity leave? I felt so much better when I got back to work. Just 3 days a week but I can actually have a lunch break and speak to other adults now about non baby things.

I will definitely give the book a read, thank you so much for your helpful and reassuring words. I'm feeling a bit better knowing that I'm not the only person that has ever felt this way.

Yes he is our first DC, we were hoping to try number two pretty soon but I'm putting that on the back burner for now.

I'm on maternity leave but I'm not going back to my job as they have declined my flexible working request even though my line manager and area manager have said they know I could do my job easily working 3 days a week instead of the six my new branch manager is insisting I need to work. The upside of this is that it has given me the chance to revaluate my career and I have decided to study nursing next September.