Really struggling

[runningoutofpatience]

I am 32 weeks pregnant with ds2, and ds1 is 16months, will be 18months when baby is born.

I had terrible PND when DS was born, I had to be forcibly brought to stay with family as I wasn't coping, and I felt I couldn't bond with my baby. I went through the motions of caring for him, but I felt only abject terror all the time. I wanted to give him away because I didn't feel like I could do it. With a lot of medical and family support, I got throught it, but it was very very difficult.

The closer I get to the birth of DS2 I can feel those fears resurfacing. I am on ADs, and have been told I may not be able to bf on them, which is a bigger disappointment than I thought it might be. There is a mental health team in place to help me but I don't feel like I can be honest with how badly I really feel as I am scared that they will involve social services and it will get messy.

I daydream about having both DSs adopted so that they don't have to grow up with me and I don't have to deal with the responsibility. I am also extremely tempted to self harm again, which I haven't done in about 6 years. I think horrible thoughts about ways to hurt myself (I have designed in my mind this little guillotine chair that would allow for simulatneous wrist-slashing) and I imagine rivers of blood washing down my shower.

I do not actually want to die or be without my children, but I cannot get these thoughts out of my head and my mood is so low. I know that nobody here can help me and I am already getting a lot of help, I just needed to get it off my chest.

Family and DH very supportive, loving, and DS is very loved and secure. So I know I am doing my job but I feel so numb and wrong right now that if there was no fear of social judgement I could wave them off to some other happy home and go and sit alone and harm myself. Forever.

I think you need to be honest with your mental health team. Don't let fears about social services stop you getting the help you need , you said it your self your son is very loved and secure so even if social services had some involvement they would see that. Pregnancy makes everyone feel scared and like we can't cope at times but your trying to hide your fears and cope on your own which you can't expect to be able to do when you feel so low. It sounds like your panicking because your expecting to feel the same with your new baby as you did with your 1st which could be completely wrong. Just because it's happend before doesn't mean this time will be the same. You say you daydream about having your children adopted but make it sound like you think it would be for their own good. So your obviously a good mum who loves her children or you wouldn't be thinking about what's best for them.

I hope I have said something of comfort for you. Sometimes it takes an outsider to point out the obvious and make you rethink things. But please don't keep trying to manage and struggle it's just going to make you feel more alone. Don't suffer out of fear, if you didn't want to get better you wouldn't have been brave enough to post on here. You have great strength to be so honest use it to get better