Rambling rant tbh

[Holden10]

13 days post natal. Feeling overwhelmed and need to get it all out. Baby is feeding well now after initial struggle due to jaundice but I feel worn down by breastfeeding and don't feel amazing as I was told I would. I can't ever decide if I should wake him to feed or not! He normally goes 3h and wakes himself for feeds but when he goes longer I don't know what to do. I keep crying over things like the pph after his birth, being unable to remember things from the birth/after the birth, being stitched up. Someone close made a comment about how I shouldn't have had stitches and I was confused and feel like a failure about having had them. worried I won't be able to have sex anymore due to stitching and worrying that the wound will open while we are trying to do it. Can't decide if there's an infection there due to a smell but can't decide if it's just a normal lochia smell. decided I'm not having any more children already due to pph trauma. Just generally tired even though I get a fair bit of sleep. I can't take my eyes off him and feel guilty if I do. Need to tidy the house but can't decide if I'm allowed to look away from him to do it. Not sure what to do when he's just awake and not feeding, if I should be playing with him somehow but he's only 13 days old!

I imagine these are normal ftm worries but I really am desperate for reassurance. Please?

Forgot to mention that I've only left the house with him twice; once to take him back to hospital for more jaundice treatment and once for a walk round the block. I don't know how to leave the house with him. I worry about how to feed when out and about.

Hiya sweet. Sounds like you had a tough delivery and now sleep deprived. You may well have post traumatic stress or normal post natal depression (I've had both - twice). You've been through a lot here and you're going to take a long time to heal. Did u have third degree tearing? If so then that can take longer than a c section to heal. Listen honey - it's massively important to get all the help u can: get health visitor/midwife to visit u at home to check your stitches. Go to doctor to talk about your feelings - I swear by anti depressants - I really do. As for sleep I found the life saver was to give baby to my partner in the evening and I got a 3 hour power nap from 7-10pm. I'm afraid that it may well be that u don't sleep for weeks maybe (sorry) but it is only a phase. In that time / your ONLY job is to feed baby. Forget everything else re cleaning etc. And get people to feed u. I know- we all know - that first few weeks are utterly exhausting at the best of times. So no real
Advice - but find out if you have post natal depression. Drugs for that helped me massively. Good luck x

It was second degree but I'm afraid im confused about where it was etc. I think I do need gp. Thanks for the reply xx

Right - your notes should contain an illustration or description of where it was - so take a photocopy of that page so that u have it for reference. It's useful to have if you have any more babies. Def see your gp. Chin up luv x

My notes don't have that :( I had a look through and can't find a thing about the tear. I just can't shake the feeling that I am doing a shit job, particularly of feeding him, and I'm doing everything wrong.

Bf is really tricky though - even second time around I had to relearn it. I got all the help I could - midwife can refer u to a specialist. I also went to a 'baby cafe' run by NCT. Find out what drop ins there are bear u and go to anything u can bear to. It is such a hard time luv - I'm sure u r doing a great job. Can u see your gp tomorrow? Speak to your dp too. We've all been there. I promise u. Oh I remembered that I asked midwives/gps/health visitor to check me about 6 times to are if year had healed. It's hard as obviously u can't tell yourself as u can't see it. So keep on asking them to check. It might be that u have an infection and need antibiotics. You could slso ask to speak to your midwife who delivered your baby re tear?

Oh OP I'm 17 days pp and have felt similar at times to you. I knew breastfeeding would be hard but never expected to be this drained. DD feeds well and spaced out through the day but comes alive at night to cluster feed. Last night she settled just after 1, then woke again at 5ish and wouldn't go back to sleep after that feed so I had to get up with her. Tried to nap this afternoon but she needed feeding after 15 mins. I'm exhausted. DH has had so much more sleep than me and I'm feeling so resentful!

Re your potential infection - if you think something's off, get it checked out. I had an episiotomy, my stitches came apart and I had an infection - but nobody had told me what to expect re lochia, smell etc, so although it didn't smell pretty and I was in a lot of pain, I just thought it was normal. It wasn't until 6 days pp that I agreed to let midwives check the stitches and I ended up on antibiotics. Luckily it has cleared well and - fingers crossed - seems to be healing well. But you really should get it looked at just to rule out any potential infection.

Take care of yourself and get as much rest as you can. I know it's easier said than done (I'm not doing too good a job of it either) but these feelings you have are valid and you're not doing anything wrong. It's an incredibly difficult time (as DH keeps reminding me). Our bodies and lives have been through a massive overhaul. It takes a lot of getting used to.

Oh, and if you have a compact mirror, you can check your stitches. It depends whether you want to look - some people really don't! I decided I'd rather see what was going on so I check mine every few days. I find it helpful to see the progress (I cried so much when they said it was infected, honestly, I felt like I'd never be normal again. But seeing the progress makes me feel hopeful).

I was exactly where you are. Health visitor booked me a gp appointment for post natal depression which apparently I didn't have...still not convinced on that but still. I had episiotomy and stitches- do not let anyone tell you that you shouldn't have had them you clearly needed them. Mine got infected (had antibiotics ) then came apart. I went to a nurse every week to check it was healing which helped as I could not face looking.

Definitely don't do housework unless you really want to. Rest whenever you can. As for feeding when out is there a nct or surestart group near you? Both of these held breastfeeding support and baby groups combined so you can get used ro it in a totally relaxed environment. If not you could try expressing and giving a bottle when out for now until you get more confident? Getting out and meeting other mums can really help mentally. Finally consider getting a sling as if baby will only sleep on you it means that you can have a cuppa and read a book hands free whilst still enjoying close cuddles with your baby. Keep talking, it gets easier, everything is just a phase

This was exactly why I chose not to breastfeed - I felt a very real worry I would end up feeling very stressed and worried, and possibly get PND as a result. If feeding is the root of all your anxiety, you know it's actually fine for you to just switch to formula? Yes there are benefits to breastfeeding, but a healthy happy mum is a top priority and if breastfeeding is making that near impossible, then it's absolutely fine to ditch it and use formula instead. No-one will think less of you, it's your choice - I've had nothing but positive support from friends and family and in fact been amazed at the number of people who said they felt the same. Take care.

Just need to reassure you that hardly anyone feels 'amazing' in the first few months after birth! Maybe fleetingly but this is not the norm.
Try mixed feeding- it saved my sanity. Some formula and some breast. Also does you LOADS of favours in the long run.
Don't be afraid to ask for help - from anyone who offers. Even the ones who don't. Your hormones are purposely making you anxious as they are designed to make you over protective of your child so know that that is normal as well xxx

This is why I love this website: I can really rely on you for help. I feel a lot better today, re infection I think it's okay the smell has gone and lochia has tapered right off today. I had a look to see if I could see my stitches expecting my bits to look terrible and it looked the exact same as before! Plus a couple of stitch looking areas inside the labia so I think that's where they stitched. Honestly right now I feel much better than I did. I am even enjoying bfing today and we managed to go to my mums house for a visit. So things are looking up somewhat! Thank you all for everything. There's lots of amazing advice here and I will refer back to this thread when I'm feeling down again!

Hi OP - great to hear that things are looking better. It really does get better and better.

Today feeling worse than ever. Not sure what to do cos some days are good and some are bad.

Ain't it the truth! ?? it's just sleep deprivation. I say 'just' but its debilitating isn't it. Things seem better for me if I go outside. I never managed that with 1st but with 2nd I have made myself. It will get easier - the good thing is you had a good day.

Sleep deprivation is awful so I feel for you, some days with a bit more sleep you feel better other days its like you have a realisation. Take every day as it comes and look after yourself!
Congrats on your new baby x
Your hormones are all over the place so please be kind to yourself.
Sometimes between feeds I used to take ds for a quick walk or to the shop for cake. Didn't pack anything as I wouldn't be long, popped him in the pushchair and off we went for 10.

I've been for a walk with him today, thank you for the kind suggestion and I have to say I feel loads better. I'm fretting lately over how to take him places eg go out for the day, mainly because I am worried how to feed in public. He is ebf. Any ideas/reassurance please?

That's brilliant. Well done! Seriously - it's sometimes harder than u think isn't it. Re ebf - me too and to be honest I'm pretty brazen. But agood start might be to start a thread on a local mumsnet site? Ask where local mums find is good? There are of course baby cafes - run by NCT - which are the easy place to start. But I find libraries are ok, marks n Spencer's brilliant - they even offered me use of a cubicle once which was great as baby was wailing. Boots sometimes have feeding rooms. But a scarf is really all you need and away u go! Actually ask find bf easiest on my side - I've even laid down in a park on a picnic tug and covered baby up entirely and pretend I'm just dozing. Cafes often have a bf friendly sticker on the outside too.

Thank you that's brilliant advice! I live in a massive city so finding places to accommodate bfing shouldnt be much of a problem I'd hope to mumsnet local!

You're doing great.

Get out of the house as much as you can.

1. Screaming baby much less intense outside.

1. Fresh air vvvvvv good for both of you.

3. The house can be a shit tip and you're not there to see it