Birth trauma/PND - what do I do?

[elliejjtiny]

Posted in several places because I'm desperate. Apologies to MNHQ if this is frowned upon.

I had a traumatic cat 1 C-section in June last year. To cut a long story short I had an attempted VBAC with DS5 at 36+5. My waters went at 35 weeks and I developed an infection 9 days later. I was induced with a drip but it didn't work. DS5 was found to have his forehead banging against my cervix (brow presentation) and I had an EMCS at 5cm dilated. I was in HDU for 2 days and DS5 was in NICU for 4 days. We both came home after 8 days in hospital. I was mostly on my own as DH was looking after our other DC. He brought them in for a quick visit for 10 mins after school most days.

A birth debrief really helped with the practical side of things and I now understand why things happened as it did. But I still have nightmares about it and cry when I try and talk about what happened. I'm on a high dose of anti-depressants (150mg sertraline) which helps a bit but I was thinking I'd feel more "normal" by now. I see the gp every 1-2 months and she just asks me how I am and tells me to keep taking my tablets. The HV sees me every 3 months or so, does the edinburgh test on me, tells me I've sored really high again (20-23 usually, anything over 11 indicates depression). I feel like I've gone crazy and worry that I'll always feel this way. DH seems to think I'll be off my meds and better any minute now. I feel like I should be asking someone to do something to help me but I've no idea who or what.

Ok, first of all try and relax about getting better. You have had a nightmare time and you can't be expected to just snap out of it as though being ill is something that is rationed.
Being depressed is horrible. However, you will get better. I did and so have many others who have suffered PND.
Accept that you have it and every day try and look for a crack in the grey. Keep taking the Meds, cry a bit, when you feel like it, eventually cracks in the grey will widen until you wake up and there is more cracks and less grey.
Keep busy and go out as much as you can, even if it is just to walk around in circles.
I walked every day in a park , pushing the pram, round and round. I must have looked mad as I was also saying to my self, I am breathing in, I am breathing out. This was to stop myself from thinking about the state I was in.
Your mind controls your body. I tried to force my mind to stop it controlling the way I felt ( like a dead dog) I did need the Anti depressants though.
take a day at a time and a step at a time and you will get there.
Hugs..... Lots of them.

Thankyou so much for understanding. DH keeps saying things like "you're getting better every day" and "you're nearly better now". He's probably trying to be helpful but it makes me want to scream.

Aw, well, any one who hasn't had the black dog, so to speak, says stuff like that. It is just wishful thinking on his part. He wants you to hurry up and get better. If only!
If you ask your DH to ' shut up ' about the homilies, won't he? You could do without being irritated on top of everything else.

I used to think PND was like sitting in a tunnel with a pinprick of light at the end of it and gradually the light got brighter. It just takes time.

I would have thought your GP would have offered you CBT and counselling by now. Also there is Mindful, which I found very helpful.

When one of my DILs had it, her Authority offered group therapy every week. I was most impressed by that. I think you should perhaps make more of a fuss to your GP and ask him/ her what's on offer.
Lots of hugs as it is a real pain.

I'm sorry you had a bad birth.
I found talking to a therapist really helped me. I also wrote a lot. Whenever something popped in my head I'd write it down in a small notebook I carried with me. If I thought I'd looked at something before, I'd tell myself there was no point going over it again. If something still bothered me then I'd bring it up in my therapy sessions.
I also wrote a timeline of what happened to me (horrific forceps delivery with life long consequences-prolapse which means I can't run nor jump anymore nor carry a suitcase + possible return of incontinence later in life). Top half, what happened, bottom half, how I felt. It took me 2 good weeks to complete it. I then went over it with psychologist. I basically talked and wrote until all was out of me and made sense to me.
I personally don't think drugs alone are sufficient. They lifted my mood and helped me get out of the rut but talking, writing, resting helped as much.