sort of strange question, but I feel so down

[yougotafastcar]

I just wondered how often you have to feel down/have horrible feelings to be depressed? Is it a all day every day thing or can it be that you have good and bad days?

I sobbed for hours last night about how I hate being a mum and wish I had never had children because they deserve better then a shit mum like me. I don't want to be here anymore, not in a suicidal way, but I want to run away and never come back. I just don't know where to go. I don't know how to be a good mum to my DS we have a good day and then bed time we are just shouting at each other every night. I feel like I don't like them very much sometimes don't love them and I feel sick and so ashamed. Like I say, they deserve better which is why I want to run away. DS is 3 and DD is 3 weeks. Usually I feel ok in the morning after a night of crying but today is different. I feel sad and lonely and hate myself for feeling like this. I feel like I deserve to die just for feeling like this, my poor babies.

I don't know what to do. I'm scared DS will realise how I feel and I don't want that. I don't think I can have depression if I feel ok at other times.

Sorry for the rambling I didn't mean it to be this long

It sounds like you do have postnatal depression especially as your youngest is only 3 weeks old. I have suffered with postnatal depression. You can have good and bad days. I would suggest speaking to your health visitor and GP.
I know anti-depressants aren't for everyone but I took them for a year and they really helped. Or maybe just talking to someone will help you.

The hardest part is admitting how you really feel and you have done that here so that's a start. You will get through this.