Am I just tired or is it happening again?

[FeelingBlue22]

Had pnd with dd1 (2.8)
Dd2 (.4) is fab but these last two weeks has changed at night and I'm struggling. Not getting a lot of sleep. Waking repeatedly through the night and suffering with insomnia.
I'm starting to feel really bad. Didn't realise how bad until last night when I was laid awake thinking of ways to kill myself. Don't think I will but it was comforting in a way.
Genuinely feel girls will be better off without me.
Dd2's cries physically affect me. I can't think, concentrate or manage anything else but to get upset/mad when she's crying.
I would never hurt her but I do hurt myself instead. I've hit myself and pinched myself when it gets too much.
Starting to worry I'm depressed again and it's more than just tiredness.
Poor poor dd1 I'm so mad at her and I hate myself for it. She's such a good girl and I'm just shouting at her.
I've started leaving my seatbelt off in the hope I'll crags the car.
Sometimes things seem good and I'll feel positive about life which makes me think it's not depression but it all feels a little fake?

Sorry for rambling. Just needed to get it out.

Last two weeks sleep been worse but feelings have been getting worse over last couple of months.

OK - sounds like depression - do you have anyone to talk to - partner or family? If you have someone you can speak to NOW, this weekend, then do so. If not then I think you should try to get an emergency doctors appointment. Please put your seatbelt on - particularly with this bad weather (if you are in the UK) around, I am assuming when you are driving you probably have the kids in with you - and it doesn't sound like you want to hurt them - but you could if you had an accident. There are numerous charities and help lines around that you could also speak to. don't just ignore it - you have been there before so you know what it is like.

Please get some help before you do something silly.

I think you're depressed OP. It's so hard to see things clearly when you're in the midst of it. From an outsider looking in, it sounds like you need to seek help. I agree that lack of sleep can do strange things to you but this definitely needs some attention. Take care and get help.