dont know where to start

[Cookingtea123]

I'm at a bit of a loss. I've felt there has been something wrong for months, my baby is almost 1, possibly since she was born. I was an emotional wreck for the first few weeks then things settled down and I felt better. From when's he was about 4 months it's like I've been pretending it's all ok when really I just want to get away from it all. I want a break so desperately I want to crash my car just to be in hospital and away from my baby. I have had a rough few months and things have gradually got worse. I don't look forward to anything and I just want to feel happy again but I cant. I need to get away but can't leave her as she is still bf. I feel like I can barely cope. If everything is going well I can just about get thorough the day but the minute something goes wrong even something small. I fall apart. I just want to be myself, I just want to be happy. I'm such a crap mum as my days off with my children I just want to get through. I want to get to the end of each day so it is over. I don't look forward to anything anymore. I used to be such a happy, positive person. Now I feel hammered by it all and don't know how things can get better. My HV was round the other day and says this is depression. I'm not happy about this as I don't want it. I don't know what to do about anything. I can't make decisions. My work is part of the problem. Is this pnd?? Does it get better how?? How do I tell the gp how I feel? How do I even accept it?

You need to make an appointment and talk to your doctor, print this post out and give it to them if you think that you would have trouble verbalising your feelings.

Do you have a husband/partner to help?

Yes I do. He's supportive and aggres with the hv

You are not a crap mum. Depression is a debilitating illness that needs to be treated properly.

Please go to your GP and take this post with you as Jack suggested. I have found that they are really helpful and will try to get you the help you need, as soon as they can.

It does get better but not by itself. It won't be an overnight magical solution either but, with the right help, it will get easier.

Thanks. I'll do that. Some days I do feel better and much more able to cope but other days are just hard. The whole prospect of talking to the gp is daunting and I'm quite nervous about it. ??

It is daunting, I agree. But you must remember that it is an illness. If anything else was wrong, you wouldn't hesitate to go and see them. They really will want to help you.

An inbetween step may be to see if there are any local groups that you could go to (work depending, obviously!). Your HV should be able to provide you with these details.

Seen my GP, got paroxitine and been referred for pnd support

Great. I hope that you start to feel more like yourself soon. Whatever is happening, it is not your fault and it doesn't make you any less of a good mother.