PND and pregnant again...

[Daleybump]

I need advice. I had depression before my son was born just over a year ago, and have had it since I was about 9. I'm now 19. It got much worse after he was born, I think developing into PND. I went to the GP who refused to put me on anti-depressants because I'm breastfeeding (although offered them to me when she thought I wasn't breastfeeding) and I refused counselling as I just can't physically talk about it. I have periods where I'm... not fine, but better than usual then I have a dip where I get much worse, and the cycle repeats. I'm now pregnant again (only about 5 weeks) and I can feel it getting much, much worse. I've been sobbing for nearly 3 hours tonight. I can't sleep, even though I'm exhausted and running on about 2 hours sleep a night. I'm just so, so depressed. When I went to the GP she was very condescending and told me that "anti-depressants aren't magic pills, you know" and sent me away with a piece of paper with about 5 lines of print saying something like "what is depression" or something useless like that.

I need help, I really do. I'm frightened to go back to the GP, but I'm also frightened what will happen if I don't. I have no idea what to do and I'm kicking myself that I didn't consider this before I got pregnant again, which I should have done as we planned this.

Sorry, it's garbled. I'm not thinking well tonight.

You need help so you can function better. ADs sometimes help, sometimes don't. You can take them when bf but GPs often know shit about bf unfortunately.

When you say you can't physically talk about it. Is it a specific thing you can't bring yourself to admit or you literally will sit in silence? Sounds stupid but practice talking in the bathroom or write it out.

Yes you should have considered it but, whatever, we all do dumb things sometimes, you can't turn the clock back. It is possible to get help and support and feel better, much better than you have in your whole life.

You have my sympathies. PND is awful (as are all forms of depression).

I had it with my first LO and unfortunately it has come back with number 2. I am breast feeding and although there are limited choices, there are ADs that you can use. I am on paroxitine. You can take it while breastfeeding but not while pregnant. It's got a bad reputation for being difficult to come off, but I was able to do it very slowly after DS1. They aren't magic pills and I still struggled but they made life more bearable. They aren't working as quickly this time, but I'm hopeful that they will help.
I know what you mean about feeling like you should have thought of this before. If I'd have known that I would have PND again I'm not sure if I'd have had number 2. However that might just be the PND talking. My new daughter is beautiful, it's just me that's broken.

I have also been advised to write down or talk through my thoughts, it helps to say or write them down, it's like offloading them.
Anyway, good luck. I really hope that things look up for you. X

Poor you OP. I have recurrent depression and it's awful.

I think you need to try to see another GP. Ads are not "magic pills" but they are pretty useful when you are actually depressed! I had awful pnd after all 3 of my dc were born - in fact I was on antidepressants from March 2000 until after I stopped bf dd2 when she was 2 in 2005. So I breastfed 3 and was pregnant twice all on Sertraline, and my dc have turned out pretty normal :)

I also had sessions with a psychiatrist and a clinical psychologist as there was a specific reason for my depression as well as hormones. The talking therapy helped, but only once I'd got on an even keel on the tablets first.

to you

Hey OP

First of all, I'm so sorry that you're struggling with depression. I understand completely. It's an awful condition that just robs you from all those happy, proud mommy feelings that you should be having. But you WILL see the other side of it, you won't feel like this forever.

I know you've said that you don't feel you can talk about it, is it that you don't want to have to go through the awkwardness of a face to face session or because you are concerned what they may say? In any case, usually medication alone doesn't completely cure depression but it does ease the symptoms, talking therapies really do help to fill the gaps that medication leaves out.

A combination of meds and counselling saw a massive improvement in my own struggle with depression and like yourself I was a longterm sufferer and avoided counselling until things got quite serious. I would strongly recommend counselling, if it has the power to potentially enable you to feel the happiness towards your children that you deserve to feel then isn't it worth trying it out?

Take a look at PlusGuidance.com if you don't want to go for a face to face counselling session and don't want to faff around with waiting lists, I work on their blogging community and can't stand to see people suffer like this. I really hope it helps.

Warmest wishes