Bonding problems

[Sandwich84]

It has been three weeks since my wife gave birth and she is still having difficulty feeling any attachment to our little girl. She has told me she feels very guilty about this but there is nothing she can do, she just cant force herself to feel anything. What's worse is that she is even beginning to feel resentment towards our baby for restricting her freedom, costing so much and taking up all my time (I am totally smitten). She feels terrible about it but she feels like her worst fears are coming true and she is not really cut out to be a mum as she is too selfish.

I am at a loss to understand what is going on. We are married (been together eleven years now), financially secure and we chose to have this baby. I have never had any reason to believe she might be a bad mother, in fact I thought she would be amazing. All I can tell her is that this is just a phase/possibly hormones/possibly post partum depression as I am sure with only 3 weeks since the birth her body is still adjusting. However, she tells me she can't imagine loving or wanting the baby and has begun to have very guilty fantasies about walking out and never coming back. She has made it clear she would never hurt the child but the thought of her dreaming about walking out on us both breaks my heart.

I don't know what to do. I had three weeks paternity leave but need to go back to work soon. My wife is dreading me going back as she doesn't want to look after the baby. Do any of you have similar experiences that might help me to understand what is going on.

It definitely sounds like classic post natal depression. Are there still health visitors keeping in touch? I think it would be worth suggesting a medical review because you're likely to be right; she's a great Mum but just not feeling herself with the massive changes a baby brings.

I also found my first baby horrendously difficult and can relate to some of your wife's feelings. I felt horribly trapped by it all, and terribly guilty that I didn't feel 'love at first sight' like everyone expects. I remember well that the closest thing to 'love' that I felt was a strong protectiveness, but not fluffy loved up love, if you get me. But as time went on it grew more obviously into love as I recognise it, and she will no doubt look back and remember this as a dark period that you both got through somehow.

Also I think she might benefit from physical help (can you hire a nanny or maternity nurse for even once a week to help her get some space, and probably sleep too?) or maybe assistance with household work like perhaps a cleaner (can you cook?!!), that sort of thing.

Oh and plenty of reminders that it will pass pretty soon and before you know it you'll have a child at school away from you all day! It really does go by in a flash.

Thanks Pickled, but my wife refuses to believe it could be depression. She says she doesn't know how a psychologist or antidepressants could make her love her baby.

I'm lucky enough to have a job where I can work from home sometimes and I have a lot of holiday "saved up" so I will be giving her as many breaks as I can (if I could though I would be on maternity for her).

Yeah there's a huge part of it that is numb disbelief, however it doesn't make it any less true.

Perhaps if she has a little look at the literature she might see it's a classic symptom of PND.

www.babycentre.co.uk/x3452/what-are-the-signs-of-postnatal-depression

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Postnataldepression/Pages/Symptoms.aspx

By the way, she's very lucky you're so supportive, an awful lot aren't!

Hey OP, firstly congratulations on your little one

Second, I went through exactly the same thing with my dd. Couldn't bond at all for the first few months. I'd had a horrific labour, was in a horrible relationship and dreamed constantly about walking out. Eventually my HV realised I was suffering from pnd. I was referred to a doctor, put on anti depressants (which wasn't as scary as I thought first) and after I'd stabilised there came a day where I picked up my dd to feed her and was suddenly hit by a wave of unconditional love that had me sobbing for hours. I knew that I had always loved her, it just hadn't felt like it.

Now I'm quite happy to say that (although I've still got some issues) my dd is the best thing to have ever happened to me (along with my ds) and I couldn't be without her.

I hope your dw is feeling better soon, and I hope you're doing ok too. Much support sent both your way

What your wife is feeling is exactly what I went through. Get in touch with her health visitor - they were great with me. 1 year on and it's all fixed.give her support and time and she'll be ok.

Thanks guys both for your advice and for sharing your experiences, you've helped confirm what I suspected. Now comes the hard part of convincing my wife to seek help. (she is quite resistant to seeking help not least because she has been advised by friends that doing so would result in social services getting involved)

Of course it won't! Her friends are very misguided about that. PND is incredibly common and an awful lot just don't speak of it. I'm sure there are some cases where someone referred to social services may also have PND but that would not be the reason for a referral in the first place.

They don't always automatically go for medication now anyway. My to surgery health visitor gave me details so I could self refer for counselling instead, with a view to pursuing the chemical route if needed, which it wasn't in the end.

Good luck - maybe suggest that she could stick her head over the fence but doesn't necessarily have to go through it if she changes her mind. Information never hurt anyone, and only aids informed choice.

Sandwich I can absolutely 100% assure you and your dw that ss will not get involved unless she tells anyone (or actually does) harm your child/and in some cases herself. If you or her need anyone to chat to please feel free to pm me, it's difficult going through things alone.

As a side note too, could you possibly have a chat with the HV in private, tell her your concerns and ask her not to tell your dw that you've had the talk? The hv should be able to have a casual chat with your wife, refer her for any treatment she might need and set her worries at rest about ss involvement. That way your wife gets the help she might need and doesn't feel that you've broken her trust or gone behind her back.

Hope it all works out for you

Thanks again everyone your advice is much appreciated at a difficult time and has been really helpful.

I would also like to encourage you to talk to your wife about the fact that many women do not have that instant feeling of love for their baby.

I did not feel any bond with my first bond for the first few months. It was as if I was having to care for someone else's child. At around 9 months I turned a corner and started to feel like I did like having the baby around, even though there was still no bond between us, but slowly over time I began to love him, and now 11 years on we have a very strong bond between us. But as a baby it did not feel that way.

I probably had undiagnosed post-natal depression. Looking back I think going to talk to someone about it would have been a good idea. I hope your wife has someone to talk to as well as you. Hope she feels better soon.