Struggling

[PoseyParker]

Hi there, I'm 13 weeks pregnant and in the midst of horrible morning sickness and fatigue which lasts all day and has basically sucked the energy out of me.

Unfortunately I got pregnant literally the week I started out on my own as a freelancer. Because of the difficulty in knowing how much i was going to earn and because money is so tight I only have childcare for 5 hours a week and I mostly work when my 14 month old son is asleep.

We moved from London to a completely new city at the beginning of this year (and I had to give up my beloved career). I didn't know a soul here except my in-laws. We're also renovating the house we bought.

When we lived in London i was super happy and totally didn't think this was going to be as hard as it is.

My lovely husband already suffers from anxiety and depression. And I was able to deal with it, until I felt like that myself. He comes home from long ours in a new job and just collapses.

To top it off my freelancing is going really badly. I'm working so, so hard but I'm just not getting the results (I have lots of clients but because I work in PR I'm not getting the results I hoped and nothing i do seems to change that) and I feel so ill all the time.

To top it off I am finishing a full day of juggling work and childcare only to have to try and not vomit whilst I make dinner for everyone and if I don't have dinner ready when my DH get's home he's gets very stressed out.

I'm completely at the end of my tether. I just want to crawl into my bed and not come out again. Ever. I used to love life but I find every day such a struggle. I've not had a break at all for nearly two years. My London friends don't have children and seem very far away. My new city friends are sweet but I feel I haven't known them long enough to dump all my stresses in them.

I don't really know what I think Mumsnet will do except I just needed to put this down somewhere as I feel like i'm screaming in the middle of an empty room and no one really gets it.

Please tell me I'm not weak and that this is a totally understandable reaction. I just feel like a bit of a winge-er

Hi there,

I am no expert but sounds like you have a lot on...remember, you are doing already an impossible task of being a mum/wife/working woman and a housewife...I think it is good you spoke about how you are feeling for a trouble shared is trouble halved. At least some form of release. But, by the sound of things, you need to take it a little easier on yourself and perhaps seek an extra pair of hands to help out (more frequent childcare?).

I had my LO in December '13 after working f/t as a lawyer in the City and taking mat leave just to focus on rebuild of our new house...I can tell you that this level of business did not contribute to me feeling well after the birth. I felt run down and depressed but got through it. Speaking from experience, I would strongly recommend that you allow yourself a bit more me-time, maybe a massage couple of times a month, and if it can be afforded, a little more help at home. Just a suggestion. Wishing you well mama. It will be all fine I assure you, just hang in there. Do never be afraid to speak to your loved ones about it either!

I should also add...you know the slogan 'tiredness can kill' often seen on motorways? It well applies to everyday life, maybe it does not kill per se, but it definitely makes you feel like not you, and now carrying another little bubba inside you, you must listen to your body and take it a little bit easier on yourself..

Thanks for your post Aga. I really appreciate it. My husband tries so hard but just stormed out of the house because I couldn't make dinner early enough for him. I had no childcare today so literally was working and looking after my son at the same time whilst trying not to vomit. When was I supposed to prepare dinner? It's lovely to actually have someone acknowledge that this is hard. I know you never really know how people are but from the outside to appears to me as though every mum I know of is handling the balance of working and motherhood so much better than me.

I'm sure once the second trimester gets under way I'll feel stronger.

I fantasise about a massage, or a holiday and thought I might just fuck it and put it on the credit card. But then my mum called (my grandmother lent us some money to buy our dilapidated house) to say my grandmother had been asking where her repayments were. So out goes that idea. Maybe just a good book in the bath then as I wait for my angry husband to return from where ever it is he's gone…

Thanks for reading and listening