Not sure if I should say anything... Is this PND?

[blueberrypudding]

I'm so sorry if this sounds silly - other people on this board seem to have it so much worse and I feel ashamed that I'm even posting.

I've suffered from clinical depression since 2010, but stopped taking my Citalopram when we started trying for a baby. Somehow all throughout my pregnancy I was absolutely fine - the joy of being pregnant (or just hormones) seemed to keep me going. However, since DD has come along (about 7 weeks ago) my mood's been so erratic I never know how I'm going to feel one day to the next.

Some days I'm so happy she's here and she seems like the most perfect baby and the day flies by. Some days I'm holding her and weeping because I feel like I'm failing her. Some days I think: "Maybe it'll be better for her if I were dead and she just had Daddy." I'm so worried all the time and constantly checking her breathing, Googling phantom symptoms and posting here on Mumsnet to check that I'm not ruining her. I quit smoking when I found out I was pregnant and never thought about it throughout my pregnancy. Now I constantly am dying for a cigarette.

It was a lot worse in the beginning, felt almost constantly down and lost but I thought that was due to my labour. (3-day induction and then a 15 hour labour followed by forceps delivery and haemorrhaging.) I keep thinking, "things are getting better!" but then I realise it's only been weeks since I've had her and I can't imagine feeling like this for the next, what, 18 years?

It feels different from my last bout of depression. It comes and goes and is pretty much non-existent when DH is home with me at weekends. But I can't help wondering if I should be telling my GP and going back on my meds. DH is so proud of me for 'doing so well with her' and I feel like that would be letting him down and throwing in the towel.

Am I making something out of nothing?

You are not making something of nothing. It's a very real something. Giving birth is hard. Having a baby is hard. A lot of what you describe is usual. Some of it less so. I think now is the time to make an emergency appointment with your gp. Get seen today or tomorrow. Lots of us get PND, and a difficult delivery and a history of depression increases the likelyhood. Are you breastfeeding (if not going back on ADs is a no brainier). Do you have some practical support: a partner, parent or good friend? Have you told anyone in RL how you are feeling?

Hey congratulations on your baby!
Glad you posted. Your previous history of depression makes you very susceptible to PND. Glad to hear that you feel ok when DH is home but I also think you should see your GP. Make sure you tell them about feeling suicidal and the health anxiety you have for your new born. If offered support from mental health services please take it. If anti depressants helped previously then you probably need them again. Don't let this get out of hand. Talk to friends, family if you have them. Try to stop googling health worries. This Never Helps! If you are worried about your baby ask a real live person what they think! Asking for help is a strength not a weakness. Go get all the help you can! Good luck.

Absolutely see your GP, and don't be ashamed if you decide to go back on the medication. If it was a painkiller for a bad back would you feel guilty then? Just because it's not a physical problem it doesn't mean you should have to cope with no treatment.

During my postnatal depression, I found the worst thing was the isolation of being at home with a baby all day, and it sounds like this could be a problem for you too as you say it's better at weekends when your partner is home. My advice is to have a weekly routine that means you have something to get out of the house for every day - easier said than done with a small baby I know, but even just being out for an hour can break the day up. Find out about local children's centres, baby groups, or classes if you can afford them. I found it so helpful to meet people - even though I'm fairly shy I soon found myself making friends.
Please don't ignore how you are feeling - after I got help life with my baby became much more enjoyable.

Thanks everyone. She's been really colicky today and I feel like I'm going mad. Think I'm going to speak to my DH tonight - really hope he doesn't get upset about it.

Just thinking about you and hope that you can get the support you need. I have worked with mums with PND, using Art Therapy... I think they found it very useful to use a non-verbal way to express the conflicting emotions they were feeling. It also accesses your creativity which is the part of you that will ignite and show you the way. Certainly take any medication if it feels right, and you may wish to explore a therapeutic approach too...