Feeling very low and hopeless

[Londonmummy123]

Hello, I am a mum to the most gorgeous 14 week old baby boy and I have been feeling very low recently. I cry quite a lot and if I am not crying I am putting on a brave face and trying extremely hard to be positive. I feel like I am just playing a role and being almost robotic, and I don't seem to get enjoyment out of anything anymore. This is unusual for me as i am usually an enthusiastic person who is interested in lots of things. I am not me anymore and have lost motivation completely.

I dreamt of having a baby for so long and had problems conceiving to begin with, so I feel i should be getting a grip and shouldn't be so ungrateful.

I spend a lot of time worrying about my babies name, convinced we have got it wrong and that we should have chosen something else. I don't think he looks like his name and it doesn't seem natural to call him that. I do wonder if this fixation is causing me to feel depressed and anxious.

I can't talk to anyone about it, really, because no one really understands or can relate to it. My husband knows though and is extremely supportive, and has even said we can change it as he is worried about me. But I feel so mixed up I am not sure if this is the right thing to do. I have mentioned it to family but they tell me it is just down to tiredness etc, and the stress of having a baby and moving house, but what is really bothering me is his name. I never really liked it much in the first place, but couldn't think of anything better, and I am starting to hate it because of the way it is making me feel. And I feel terrible that we have called him that, as if I am doing him an injustice. He is a special baby and should have a special name.

Sorry to rattle on like this, it helps to write it down. I am seeing a doctor on Thursday as I don't know where to turn at the moment and feel so alone with these thoughts. xx

Hello :)

You are not alone! i am a new mummy to a 14 week old little girl, and i feel exactly the same as you say you do in the first paragraph of your post. I have been putting on a brave face and 'just getting on' with things since I brought my DD home from hospital. I suffered depression prior to getting pregnant, and think that the emergency C sec i had coupled with various things going on in my home life have triggered PND.

After becoming a mum it really did feel some days that i was going through the motions, almost like a robot!Ive had some very very dark days where the only reason i have gotten up is because my little girl needs me.Even then, the things i do are what i feel i ought to be doing as a 'good mum'. I also fixated on the fact that my partners mum is very overbearing,and i was convinced that she was going to take over my dd upbringing and turn her against me (it sounds silly writing it down!!!) but that is what depression does.

I also have days where i think i should be feeling grateful because so many women struggle to have a child, and here i am with a beautiful healthy little girl. I have only found things are getting a bit easier since my DD started to become more interactive and smiley! I finally feel like i am properly bonding with her.

You say that you are fixating on your sons name and that it doesn't suit him. Do you know if there is a name that does suit? It isnt too late to change his name. Again, I have had a similar experience in that we were the only ones on my ward without a name for our DD when she was born, and we eventually agreed on one which i thought did suit her at the time...or at least more than the alternatives! however, people really struggle with the pronunciation (its an irish name and we live in wales) and she gets called allsorts! so it feels like i have given my DD a name that she will spend the rest of her life having to correct people on, which is the one thing i never wanted to do!!

I think im waffling on a bit now (!) , but i spotted your post and wanted to let you know you are most definitely not alone! i finally mentioned how i was feeling to my gp at my pnc and have asked for CBT sessions. i have spoken to someone from the local mental health team and even just doing that has helped a bit. I hope you manage to get something positive out of your doctors visit

x

Thank you so much for your reply, and I am sorry to hear you are feeling the same way. It's really hard sometimes isn't it! Especially if you have other things going on in your life at the same time. We moved house when he was 4 weeks old so I know that didn't help. I still feel completely disorganised and there are loads of things that need fixing it's just too much sometimes.

I have always been the sort of person who bottles things up but now I know it helps to talk things through otherwise it can just get worse. That's good that you have seen your gp too and good luck with the CBT sessions. Someone suggested that to me too I might try that too. All we can do I think is just take one little step at a time in the right direction and trust that things will get better eventually Xx

I completely get this; I've had depression with all three of my children, before and after birth, and following my 3rd I eventually went to the GP.

You're not failing your son by feeling like this. Explain to your GP and they will listen. Good luck and congratulations for your new baby!