New Joiner - PND

[Kamber85]

Hello mums,
I am a first time mum, had my DD 7 weeks ago, and am really struggling. I have had anxiety and depression for about 10 years but it has been kept quite stable over the past few years.
The day after I had my DD (I was still in hospital) i had a bit of a meltdown where i was crying and shaking and screaming and couldnt stop. I was referred to the perinatal mental health care team, however it took 6 weeks for them to contact me after i kept calling them.
Im seeing someone once a month and am on a higher dose of tablets but im really struggling. I can talk to my family and husband about this but they dont seem to understand what its like waking up everyday petrified about what this day holds. I shake everytime I hear DD crying or stirring as i know i will have to pick her up and spend time with her.
On top of everything I had quite a long and difficult labour and 7 weeks on am still in some discomfort and i feel like everytime i look at my DD i blame her for my pain and discomfort.
I know deep down it wasnt her fault, and i think it stems from the fact that I fell pregnant whilst on pill, and i hated being pregnant.
I have friends and family that have got newborns and seeing them happy makes me hate myself.
I have often felt at times that I dont want to be here and that I wish that I had died when I had her that day.
I have spoken to therapists and GP and am getting help albeit it is such a long time between appointments and its just not helping me at the moment.
Any advice, comments would be so much appreciated. Sorry for the long post ladies. xxx

Hi there, sorry you're feeling this way. It was very sad to read your post because i could relate to it 100%. I had really scary severe after giving birth. It's taken me a while to identify that i was suffering from depression while pregnant too but just never questioned it because i functioned pretty well. It was so severe after giving birth that i couldn't not notice it anymore though. If that makes sense.

I need to say first of all how great it is that youve recognised it so early on. Mine went on for months before i had the sense to seek help. So high 5 for that.

Mine was, eventually, kept under control after a 4th attempt at an AD (venlafaxine) and i slowly got better from there but while i was going through it it was hell. For everyone. I had this moment in hospital when just after i was discharged i stood by the lift holding DS in his car seat and wondered how far i could run to get away from him before someone tracked me down.

I too had a few friends with newborns who were happy and coping without so much of a hint of what i was going through. I hated myself too. But i was unwell and couldn't help it. I love my DS to bits now i would honestly die for him and wake up every day full of excitement that i get to spend my day with him. I NEVER thought i would feel that way about him. In a milllion years.

Anyway i didn't mean to talk about me so much i just wanted to drum the point that you have an illness which is msking you feel the way you do. It's not your fault nor can you help it. You just need lots of support until you find the course of treatment that works for you.

I hope that helped at all. You're doing great as you've identifed that you need a bit of help. Which makes you an amazing mother already.

Xxx

Thank you so much for taking the time to post your message, its made me sad that you went through this, and relieved that someone else understands what i am going through, and also happy that you are so much better.
Its terrifying going through it because you cannot see a way out. Im quite lucky that I recognised the signs early on because I have suffered with anxiety and depression for years, but this has to be the worst I have felt for a long time.
I too often have had the thoughts about running away and leaving the baby behind with my husband and seeing how far I can go before someone finds me. At the worst times I have felt like I could walk out in front of a car and get struck down.
Its so good to know that I can get better because of stories like yours. Hopefully the combination of therapy and higher dose of AD (Citalopram) can get me through this dark place.
Its a horrible illness and I feel sad that its robbed me of enjoying the firs precious few months of her life, but I try and not dwell too much on that.
Again, thank you so much for replying and im thrilled that you are head over heels for your DS now.

xxx

You're so welcome. The reason i lurk around these boards is because i feel a duty to give people a bit of hope. When you're in that dark place you can't see a way out. I definitely couldn't.

I'm happy to help any way i can. I am not a medical person but i think you have to give each AD time to work. It took me months to find the right one so please don't give up just yet. DS was nearly 10 months old when i finally got a bit of relief from one. But it was like waking up from a bad dream.

Check out getselfhelp they have excellent tips on how to cope in crises.

Your only job atm is getting better and getting through each day. Even if you don't wash for a week, give yourself a massive pat on the back for hanging in there and trying to get better for that lovely baby. You're an awesome mummy xxxx

Ps let me know if i can help xx

Thank you so much for your kind words. I def think the key is to take each day as it comes. Some days are better than others so I need to hang on to those better days.
I cant wait to start feeling better, and to start enjoying my DD.
Thanks so much xxx