Scared of going to the Doctor....

[Lotsoftears]

Namechanged.

Am not sure if I have PND but I am feeling pretty rubbish. I was fantasizing in the night (when DD, 6 mths was awake) about walking away from the kids (have a primary school DS too) and leaving DH to it. Not really sure where I was planning to go!

I was ok over Xmas as DH has been here, but prior to that I was crying most days. Just feel worn out with the grind. Feel like DD doesn't love me as much as DH and I question how bonded I am with her. Feel like I am doing a poor job of being at home, don't really enjoy being on my own with DD, struggling to do any cleaning and find the whole new mummy friend thing a real minefield (for both DD and now being at the school each day with DS).

We also chose to have building works done whilst I pregnant which overran and has also meant we have had lots of mess everywhere as we have had to move all our rooms around and a long list of DIY jobs that need to be done which I found difficult to live with. It feels like it was a mistake to do this when I am at home so much.

DD is still waking up a couple of times a night which isn't helping. I should really go to bed at 9 in order to compensate but I feel so resentful that I am not getting much 'me' time and want to stay up beyond DS going to bed for a few hours.

I only have 2 month left of mat leave. I feel I should be enjoying it but I just want to get back to work. But conversely I am also concerned about going back, my brain is so fuzzy I keep making silly mistakes. I am self-employed so my delivery and reputation is everything.

DH is supportive but I do find talking about how I feel difficult. I think he finds mental issues a bit of a challenge to get his head around.

My DM has also been really supportive and helpful coming over to help out but any time she has offered to have DD I have used to have work meetings etc.

The fact I have support makes me feel guilty too!

In addition I am trying to address my compulsive overeating. It is something I have done since a teenager to cope with stress. I was heavy to begin with before DD but I am still carrying pregnancy weight. None of my old clothes fit, so disappointed in myself that I am having to buy some new work clothes (have a couple of bits of work I need to do before I return properly in March) when I have had 6 months to make a difference. I have tried all sorts of counselling over the years but I still do it. I am trying to reduce sugar and stick to 3 meals but it is so hard. It has been a crutch for so long.

Anyway, the answer is obviously to go and see the GP but I am scared. I felt a bit down when pregnant when I did go. It wasn't a nice experience, the Dr I saw was sympathetic but not very 'warm'. She did offer to refer me for counselling, but as I was 32 week I didn't see the point. In the end I felt a bit better, I think talking about it helped.

I am worried about going on ADs (if that is what is suggested) but I know rationally that it might be for the best. I don't judge others for taking ADs but feel like I am failing if I end up taking them.

Anyway, just wanted to get it all out. Thank for reading if you got this far.

Bless you! It sounds like you're having a really hard time. I must be honest and say I recognise a lot of what you're feeling. I felt many of these things after the birth of my first DD and I did have PND. Specially the running away bit. Or I'd just wish my DD gone. Not hurt, not dead, just...gone. As if she'd never existed.

I'm very pleased to hear that you do have a lot of support. You don't need to feel guilty about that, really. It's a good thing! :)
I strongly recommend you do go and speak to your GP. Warm or not, I do think you need meds/counselling/something, to help you get past this. Don't be worried about what the doc thinks about you, the important thing is for you to get the help you need. Whatever that is.

And re the overeating, it is a tricky thing to get past. The PND, assuming you do have it, would certainly not be helping that. But it's a vicious circle, isn't it? :( You eat because you're depressed and then, I know, from experience, you only end up feeling worse afterwards...

I know a dietician who's main focus is keeping her clients' blood sugar constant. It's amazing the difference that makes, really amazing. She also has a lot of experience in dealing with the whole spectrum of eating disorders, including compulsive overeating.
She gave me several small tips which made a huge difference for me. Little things, like don't eat 3 meals a day if that's not enough for you. Eat 6 or even 8. Just make them smaller. 3 main meals and 3/5 snacks. 1/2 oatcakes with peanut butter could be one snack for example. And include a bit of protein in each meal/snack.

I'm a sugar monster, always have been, and she's helped me to cut it down hugely and I don't even miss it. I never thought I'd say that but it's true. I still do have some, but not often. And now, I feel quite yucky if I have too much, so I try not to.
I'm sure she can do remote assistance if you don't live in her area. If you're interested, I can PM you her details. Or I'm sure there are others that can also help.

Be gentle on yourself. You're going through something very difficult and it's hard to see your way out of it. But there is a way...really.

Oh my you have had a rough time of things haven't you? Maybe a visit to gp isn't such a bad idea, do not see ad's as a negative, all they do is address a chemical imbalance in your system, no different to any other meds. It may also be helpful to have counselling along side medical treatment, just to help you sort things out emotion wise. Counselling can be very empowering, that space I which to just be. Your gp may also know of support groups that are local to you, so that you meet other women in your predicament (does sound like pnd to me) and also weightloss groups, walking groups, post baby swim groups etc, I feel that these things can help as one can gain a lot of support from others.

The main thing is to be kind to yourself, eat well, lots of fruit and veg, many have healing properties ('food doctor' book is good), things like valerian root may help with stress/sleep issues. Look up some everyday culinary herbs such as tumeric that may help your systems to rebalance.

Take one step at a time and try to do something for you at least once a day.

I hope that you feel better soon

Thanks so much for your detailed and supportive responses - it is really appreciated.

Fluffle - Thanks for your understanding. Are you now recovered from PND?

Yes to DD 'going somewhere'. I found myself thinking "I wonder if Social Services would take DD for a few days". Obviously they don't offer childcare on demand (!) and my DH would be so upset if I contacted them!!

Eating - yes very circular. I think being a mum also dents my self-esteem as I am not as in control/as capable (or so I think) as I am in other parts of my life.

I did see a nutritionist/therapist person whilst pregnant for an intensive couple of sessions. He suggested lower GI. Will think about the snacks. Could I have the details of the person you saw? I might contact her - thanks.

Thanks for sharing her tips.

I have cut down a bit on the sugar and have already found positive results. I don't feel hungry in the am if I haven't had cake/sugary stuff after dinner. I just need to stop 'reaching' for it in the first place, as I don't stop....

Theold that is a good way to think about the meds, thanks.

A friend's mum took her own life (not that I feel like that) and I know that she resisted meds/felt embarrassed about being mentally ill. As an outsider I could see that meds were needed, so I need to apply some of that compassion to myself.

I do go out with DD to a baby class & swimming, plus I do know lots of women with babies. I have been honest with some, but that helps at the time but not with the low mood/cloud in general. I also find people don't really know what to say.

I have signed up for a swimming club (for me) which means going 3 times a week. But I decided to do it as the sessions are before or after work so I'll be able to get there. I am petrified about turning up on my first day - next week - in my swimsuit but despite my size I am actually ok at swimming (swam competitively as a child), it should help with my eating/esteem too.

And I have booked an appointment with the GP next week. Have chosen a different Doctor (our surgery has gone all modern and you can book online!). I do know that with 10 mins they cannot really crack open the tissues and hug you etc. I just need her medical assessment of what is going on.

Thanks so much again.

I've pm'd you the lady's details. And yes, I'm totally recovered now with no further issues. :)