Erm, can I have some support until Monday?
ThisParacuteIsARucksack · 18/09/2013 15:23
DD is 5 months old. I do love her to pieces, she's adorable. However I'm struggling. I had a history of anxiety and depression and have been through the mill the last couple of years and now I feel somewhere between nearly flat and sad. DH isn't helping. I'm not sure if its him, me or both? He says I'm a good Mum but also says stuff that I hear as critical (for example, last night DD woke in the night, I fed her, put her down and she woke back up so I had to pick up her again and go through the whole process so I said Here we go again and he's said today that he thinks my attitude might be impacting on her and making things worse and that it's not her fault. I hear this as him criticising me and saying I'm a crap Mum). She's not a good sleeper, especially in the day.
I fantasise about running away. The reason I'm posting her is I imagine leaving her behind. I think she'd be better off without me. I have tried to talk to H about it but it just seems to upset me. He implies that my low mood is basically my choice, like I enjoy if. It's a bit rich because he's been depressed since we got together!
I have a doctor's appointment Monday to discuss this. I know I have self-esteem issues (always have) they seem worse now. I guess counselling will help, it had before, maybe medication too. I just needed to let it out anonymously here (name changed but I'm a regular) and ask for support til I can get to the doctors.
Mogz · 18/09/2013 16:41
So glad you've got an appointment with your GP to talk it all through, that's the best step you can take right now. If you need to vent this is a great space to do so in.
ThisParacuteIsARucksack · 18/09/2013 18:15
Thanks. I don't know if I'm coming or going really. Is it awful that I'm having a minor operation tomorrow and I'm kind of looking forward to it? 1. Because I'll get a break and 2. Because this is the longest DH will have her on his own and I'll be interested to see how he gets on seeing as how Its not as hard as going to work
ThisParacuteIsARucksack · 19/09/2013 20:07
I feel terrible today. I had a minor op to investigate chronic pain. I waited an extra year for this because I got pregnant and after all this time they found nothing. Add in that H looked after DD while I was there. We have always disagreed on BF/FF. today he gave her formula (she doesn't seem to like EBM). She napped well for him. He's suggested I stop BF totally because she clearly sleeps better on the formula and once again implies my BM isn't good enough for her. She barely looked at me when we wee reunited (5 hours, the longest I've ever left her) and I feel more like running away than ever. Obviously I know I'm not being logical. I was told not to make big decisions after the anaesthetic and can't drive so clearly I'm going nowhere but I'm struggling to get her to settle, crying in the bedroom because I'm so tired. I asked him to check on us half hourly. He's been in once in 1 1/2 hours. Maybe I should just leave her with him since he clearly thinks he's a better parent than me.
Jollyb · 22/09/2013 20:31
Parachute - this is the depression and sleep deprivation talking not you. Am sure you are a fantastic mum. You are probably reading too much into your DP's comments - though I agree not checking on you after your surgery was not on.
Seeing your GP tomorrow is a real positive step forward. You're one day closer to feeling back to 'normal' . You will get over this.
Thisparacuteisarucksack · 22/09/2013 21:20
Thank you jolly. We've had a long chat tonight about things because I realised I've posting on MN rather than talking to him about it. There's lots of issues going on (we were on the verge of splitting up when I got pregnant). We've had a hell of a couple of years - we were nearly 3 years TTC, he's had health problems (related to fertility problems but also caused personality changes), our house caught fire, I had health problems and was on drugs that could have caused her harm...I think in my head I can't quite believe we deserve a healthy baby. Does that make sense? Like I'm looking for problems?
Our chat has made me realise some stuff is more about our relationship differences rather than actually him saying I'm a bad mum (or me perceiving it as such).
Well I'm off to the doctors tomorrow. No real idea what I'll say (I'll probably cry!) but hopefully will be moving forward in some
Jollyb · 23/09/2013 14:35
Goodness - sounds like you've been through quite a lot over the past few years.
Hope the GP appointment went well.
HadALittleFaith · 23/09/2013 15:54
Ah got lovely female GP :) she agrees I an depressed (not necessarily PND) but my anxiety around being a 'good' parent is adding to things. Got a referral for counseling, back in two weeks for a review and to consider anti-depressants. I'm undecided on the last part. I feel better for being proactive. I don't know what will happen with me and DH but me getting myself well is best for all three of us. Thanks for the support
Thisparacuteisarucksack · 03/10/2013 20:19
Just an update. I had an assessment for counselling today. The guy looked at my history and had a chat and he said it seems I have a tendency towards anxiety and given my circumstances over the last few years would make most people anxious...he said there's an overriding theme of loss- lost my Mum, lost belongings and sense of security in the fire, nearly lost my marriage. That makes sense of why I want to run away from it all....so the plan is to have a course of counselling (6-8 week waiting list). My lovely Dad has agreed to have DD when I go which is great for me, makes him smile and she's quite happy (well she seemed to enjoy herself today). I'm undecided about meds, off to the GP again Monday.
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