New baby, PND.

[CleanAllTheThings]

Thought i would start another thread here as its more appropriate to the topic. My baby is two weeks old and i have just been diagnosed with PND.
We have had difficulties from the start, a labour that ended a bit traumatically and meant i couldn't really hold her for the first day because i was hooked up to so many monitors. Then we struggled to establish feeding, she lost too much weight but has thankfully gained some back and feeding is getting better. She has a little tongue tie which hasn't helped. We both have thrush everywhere and i'm feeling very spacey from blood loss and wasn't given enough iron initially. It's not been a great start really.

I don't feel like i have a bond with her at all. When she cries i just want to run away, when she starts snuffling and waking for a feed i feel anxious because i know i will have to take her back from my partner again. I'm tearful most of the time. I try really hard and am loving towards her but it feels forced and unnatural. It breaks my heart that i feel this way, it isn't fair. I wanted a baby so much and was so happy when i was pregnant. This has hit my like a tonne of bricks.

I have quite a long history of depression/anxiety but stopped taking my medication when i became pregnant on advice of GP and felt really good throughout pregnancy. Felt i had turned a corner as it was the best i had felt in years.

Last night i had a meltdown when she woke for a feed. Couldn't stop crying and had a panic attack. Feel so ashamed. Her dad rang the midwives because he was so worried and didn't know what to do. They sent someone out to see me while he gave her a bottle of formula (massive guilt again). The midwife wanted to readmit me and my daughter to hospital initially so we could get some support. But i refused because i know they just want to watch me and being back there will make things ten times worse i'm sure because i will be forced to do everything with her without my partner when he is sent home at night. She agreed to an emergency GP visit but he didn't want to prescribe anything without me seeing my regular GP as he said any medication will take weeks to work so no need to start until Monday. I really don't want medication again but i think i need it. Midwife is also going to refer me to mental health team for support and speak to HV. I've been trying to tell people how i feel for the last week including my GP but everyone kept saying it was normal/i'm doing a great job etc.

I just feel so sad. My partner is brilliant with her and i am gutted that i am doing this to them both. He is due to go back to work tomorrow but is going to try to get a few extra days. They don't want me to be alone with the baby until i get some help. My mum is going to give me some practical support around the house but we don't get on that well and i don't get any emotional support from her whatsoever because she doesn't know how to deal with it and won't even give me a hug.
She came over last night and didn't even say a word to me while i was sat there in tears. It was horrible but that's just the way our relationship is and it won't change. Like i said, she wants to help.

I managed to feed the baby through the night and she hasn't had any more bottles. I gave her a bath this morning which is progress because for the last couple of days i have just been feeding and handing her back to my partner. She is such a sweet, calm little girl. She hardly ever cries and is not difficult to look after. It shouldn't be this hard. I feel selfish and ashamed.

Sorry this is so long. I don't know what i'm asking for. Think i just need some support and to know i'm not alone.

You are not alone. It is early days too.

You have done the right thing asking for help.

Your partner sounds lovely - very important to have support.

Lots of new mums want to run and away and hide.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

Ps re your mum. Some people just do not understand depression. Maybe ask her to take the baby out after a feed or give her more practical jobs if she is not good with the emotional side of things.

Firstly, please please don't feel guilty about going onto formula if you find that helps. I know exactly how you feel because I had a traumatic birth with dd (3 day labour, failed epidural, ended up in theatre having ventouse that was very nearly disaster). I just felt massively upset by it all and didn't bond with dd, coupled to that I was exhausted (of course, and so are you) and wanted to breastfeed but it just wasn't working for me. Dd didn't latch well, the last thing I wanted was more health people or anyone telling me what to do etc. Coupled with that when you breastfeed you are discouraged from using a dummy and the inability to ever put her down was slowly driving me absolutely insane.

I switched to formula and also went on 60mg citalopram daily. Gradually things did get better.

I'm not saying you should ff but please don't beat yourself up about it. Dd is now 10 and honestly no one will care AT ALL however you fed your child.

I went on to have ds 15 months ago (something I never thought I'd do) and the pnd didn't return. I had an elective section on the nhs on birth trauma grounds and formula fed from birth. It was soooooo much better, a very healing experience for me.

Please don't feel bad for asking for help. Xx

Don't feel ashamed or selfish, it's natural to find it tough.

Have you got close friends or siblings nearby who could support you for a few hours - let you talk and say how you feel, give you a big hug etc whilst your mum helps with practical stuff? Sounds like your partner is doing this well but might be good to have another friend over too.

Keep talking to MN too - I'm sure others more experienced than me will be along soon to help.

Also, I know this might sound ridiculous but one of the things I really struggled with was feeling trapped and that I couldn't just go out as the baby would cry etc. It's very hard but if you can force yourself to go out, even just a longish walk with the pram, then the exercise will increase your serotonin levels and gradually you might feel a bit more in control of everything.

Just wanted to add my support. You aren't alone. I had a traumatic first labour and in the first few months worried desperately about my DD's health and breast vs ff, but didn't enjoy having her at all. I also have a history of depression & anxiety but didn't go to GP and seek help til dd was about 6-7m. I so wish I'd sought help earlier & am so pleased to hear you have; it's the right thing, and the strong thing

Would second pp's suggestions of getting out and about, even if you don't feel like it and even if it's only for a walk. Also, talk to friends/family if you can. My friends later said to me that they wanted so much to help, as they could see something was wrong, but couldn't find a 'way in' iykwim, as I was insisting I was fine (I think out of shame). I promise you this isn't something to be ashamed of, and is not selfishness. It's a recognised medical condition, just like a broken leg

Hugs x

I know very little about this but my heart goes out to you.
From what I understand- it will get better
You are doing all the right things I reckon- hang on in there.
Big fat un-mumsnetty hugs

You are not alone. A lot of what you wrote sounds familiar, I also had PND after giving birth to DD, now 9 months.

Like you, I was so happy when I was pregnant and having a baby was something I had been dreaming about for years, so when I had her and didn't feel happy I was so disappointed and felt extremely guilty. My labour was pretty straight-forward and nothing traumatic happened but it was a still negative experience for me. I didn't feel the joy I had expected to feel, I just felt shocked and anxious. I kept hoping it was just baby blues and would go away in a few days but it just got worse, I couldn't sleep or relax at all. I felt I didn't have a bond with DD and kept wishing that someone would just take her away and bring her back to me when she's older, which of course made me feel even more guilty. When DD was about ten days old I had a panic attack and went to see my GP who prescribed me temazepam so that I could get some sleep. I again felt guilty about leaving my partner to deal with DD and feed her with formula that night but I really needed to get some rest. It did help a bit, although it didn't make me feel back to 'normal' as I had hoped.

My GP then referred me to PND services and prescribed me 10mg clomipramine daily. I started baby massage classes when DD was 5 weeks old which helped with bonding, and a few weeks later I started counselling. I only needed to go a couple of times though as I was already feeling a lot better. The first 5 or 6 weeks were the worst for me, after that it gradually got better every day and by the time DD was 2 months I felt like I was pretty much my old self again and felt that I had bonded with DD and genuinely loved her. Those first weeks felt like forever though and I was so scared that I would never feel happy again, it was a truly terrifying time.

Things that helped me most: 1. TALKING - I decided that I wasn't going to try to hide my feelings so I told my partner, my parents, siblings, GP and closest friends exactly how I was feeling and just kept on talking. They were so supportive that it made me understand that PND is nothing to be ashamed of, it's not something you can control so you just have to accept it and take one day at a time.

1. Getting out of the house - the first couple of months I made a small plan for every day to get me out of the house, mainly meeting friends or family members for lunch or coffee. Just having someone to hold DD was great so I got a break and a chance to eat my food uninterrupted. Fresh air also helps to clear your head when you're sleep-deprived so you do feel a little bit better when you go outside.

Sorry for the long message, I hope you find some of it helpful. Just wanted to add my support and let you know that PND doesn't last forever. Please don't feel guilty for accepting help from others, that's what they're there for and it doesn't make you a bad mother. I can promise you that you WILL feel better and find your own mothering groove. Just take one day at a time.